I remember when I first saw her. I had come into the vet after losing Trouble to Pancreatic Cancer. I don't even remember why I was there. One of the doctors remembered me from visiting hours (I was there until they kicked me out every night he was hospitalized) and asked about Luigi, my other cat. I told her how he was lonely and needy... and I was trying to deal with the loss. I talked about him (big black cat who has a stump for a tail after a fan accident) and she said there was the perfect playmate for him right upstairs. There was a black and white kitten that a doctor had found who was born with half a tail. At first I said no. I wasn't ready. She talked me into just seeing the kitten. A few minutes later a guy walked out with a bad ass kitten perched on his shoulder. He introduced the cat as 'Tough Guy' and told me about how he'd hang out on people's shoulders as they walked around. I pointed out that *he* was a *she* and the guy got embarrassed. "That's one bad assed little girl then!" he said. And with that she hopped into my lap and home we went.

Trixi and Luigi had a rough beginning. She was 9 pounds of attitude and he was 20 pounds of wimp. This led to many chases with her swiping at his butt while he screamed as if she was an axe murderer and me close behind swiping at her butt with a broom. She finally got spayed and calmed down some. Three years later Ginger was given to me as a present and the household was full of cats. A year after that Luigi died of squamous cell carcinoma. Trixi and Ginger bonded and all was well. In 2003 Jake moved in and the cats loved him. I mean loved him. I was chopped liver compared to him. Between the two of us they were spoiled beyond rotten. Ginger became ill in 2006 and died from Chronic Renal Failure. She was only seven. Trixi went into mourning. She was super needy and even gained weight. On the advice of a rescuer we got two kittens. She said getting two would help Trixi to adjust. The kittens would play with each other and Trixi would get used to having them around. The plan worked perfectly. Trixi went from mini hissing to even batting them around. For the most part she either slept next to me at the computer or next to Jake as he played video games and left the kittens to romp around on their own. She slept with the kittens and once again relaxed. The last year of her life was good. She had siblings and parents who loved her. She bonded with our friends Mark and Cat. She was content.

On Friday we took her to the vet and sat with her for a while beforehand. They have a quiet room with comfortable furniture to sit on and spend some time. Trixi sat between us and even purred. She was in pain but still knew she was with people who loved her. I felt guilty. I felt horrible. But I knew it was the best way. No more pain. No more suffering. They made the experience as comfortable as possible. In the end I cried harder than I can remember. My baby was gone and all I could do was hold her body. We spent the weekend spoiling the two cats and just being numb. I ache. I kept looking for her. Now all I have are memories. And now... so do you.