It's so good to be home. I had a blast in Texas but the novelty wore off on Friday. Which was fine except we were stuck there til Sunday. After deep thought and much consideration (and his mother pitching a fit over half a dozen times) we decided that if we move to Texas it will be AT LEAST an hour or two from his family. Close enough for emergencies and weekend trips (not every month, mind you), but far enough to ward off any daily visits or expectations of chores. That woman almost puts a Jewish mother to shame. I love her dearly but damn... My only defense was pure sarcasm. I'm surprised she didn't haul off and slap me. I still think she secretly hopes we'll break up so she'll have her son back. Here's just a few of the tantrums I thwarted.

Example one:
Jake's step dad, Wayne, says the word 'fucking' and his mom yells "Don't you cuss around the kids!" So I pipe up, "Yeah. What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She ended up laughing and he got a kick out of it.

Example two:
His mom tosses the top to some food platter to him in a huff to throw away and he crumbles it. She yells "'I don't want to hear ANY more noise!" I say, "Uhhh... can we breath, or is that too distracting to the cooking?" Wayne and Jake laughed while his mother simmered.

Example three:
She yelled about him getting the fucking bananas. So of course I said, "Will the non fucking ones do?" She hushed and Wayne said, "So which ones do you want?" She snapped "What do you mean?" and he said, "The fucking or non fucking ones?" We all started laughing so she basically just said whichever they have. I could swear I heard her jaw snap at that one, though

For the most part she mellowed after I said something. There wasn't much she could do but save face and laugh along. I know that we're going to have a brawl one of these days, though. I love her to death but that woman needs a stern talking to. She treats Jake like a kid and expects everyone to read her mind on what she wants. No matter what is done it's not good enough. Jake's dad is a nice guy, as long as you don't discuss politics, religion or homosexuality. Then the redneck kicks in and everyone gets their feelings hurt. *sigh* It's been so many years since I had to deal with 'family' and all their quirks it's like trying to ride a bike. Every time I get frustrated I look at Jake and realize why I'm dealing with it. *smiles* It's worth every pulled hair.

On to better things. So I ran up their outside stairs and fell through a rotted out step. Right up to my knee. The bad news is my foot and knee are bruised. I'm guessing just soft tissue damage. The good news is that it's not my knee that I had surgery on. I may not be graceful but at least I've mastered fucking up one leg at a time. Oh joy. Oh rapture.

We are Texas bound as of 6am on Wednesday. You know what that means? A 3am wake-up call and out the door by 3:20am. It hurts to even type that early of an hour. It's not morning until the sun hits the window in my book, so this is a night flight by my standards. If all goes well we should be touching ground at 11am. Just in time to crawl into bed for a nap. That is... after the hour and a half drive to hicksville. I can't wait to see all of Jake's family again and pump some Jewish blood back into that household. His mother was worried about what to cook for dinner. She thought I'd be offended if she served pork. As long as it doesn't hit my plate I'm good to go.

Some years ago a friend dragged me to her family's house, insisting that it wasn't healthy to spend holidays alone. Apparently sitting at the table while people treated you like a charity case was supposed to lift my spirits. So here I was, plate in hand for the main course. They brought out this funky looking charred meat and placed it infront of me. I asked what it was and the mother smiled and said it's Por.... ohhh noo. There I was, twelve people staring at me as if they had just served my dad's head on a platter. I smiled and said, "peanut butter and jelly it is." After three hours of apologies I couldn't wait to get my ass home. Needless to say I passed on future invites. If I wanted guilt on that scale I'd go to Temple.