This year visiting Jake's family was... interesting. We arrived at the airport two and a half hours early like all the media said we should. That was our first mistake. We literally walked in, up the stairs and through the security checkpoint without pause. Yay... So there we were, with two and a half hours to kill and a cell phone camera. Hence all the obnoxious photos on my Flickr account.

We arrived without much ado. The most nerve wracking part was as we landed. We hit a fair bit of turbulence that lasted even after we hit the ground. I let out a quiet 'yeehaw' and we left the plane. We found his folks right away and made with the hugs and smiles. While we exchanged hugs I noticed a distinct smell in the air: alcohol. Yeppers, we have arrived. Then it hit me... the smell was coming from his step dad. But of course... We meandered to the car and I started to get nervous as the dad hopped into the driver's sear. Hoo boy, this was going to be fun. First he managed to piss off the driver of a very large truck (he has short man's syndrome and loves to fight) and we had to talk him out of going over and popping the guy one. That was before we even left the airport. Thirty minutes later of riding the trail for the blind and narrowly missing large trucks with six wheels on them he announced we were stopping for more beer. I think my nails hit muscle in Jake's arm about then.

After getting some drinks for us (and the beer of choice for him: Coors) Jake's mother (G-d bless her) suggested she drive. He popped open his beer and took a puff of his cigarette (which I'm allergic to) and started to protest. I went into a coughing fit and he jumped out, giving his mother enough time to maneuver to the drivers seat. With that we made it home. Oh joy.

Seeing the rest of his family was great. I really do miss having that connection. They got a puppy which I fell in love with (more pictures wil be uploaded later) and spent half the time playing with her. The other part was quite enjoyable. We joked around and watched sports. The only real drama came when Jake's step dad (who pretty much had a beer in hand the whole time) started talking about how he shot a dog that tried to mate with Jake's. Jake kept telling them not to talk about it in front of me (I get really upset about these things) but in their drunken state they just wanted to rattle on. I finally stormed out yelling 'Okay, how about I leave the room and you can continue talking about killing things'. Yes, it was Oscar worthy. Fuck it. Anyway, Jake chewed them out and then came back into the bedroom to check on me. By that time I was texting Cat (until the fucking cloud cover killed the reception) and fucking around with the camera phone. After laying on the mini bed from hell (the air mattress) we ended up taking the photos you're looking at. Aint we a cute couple?

Thanksgiving was delicious and seeing his grandma was wonderful. She was doing much better and even quipped 'I can tell when (Jake's stepdad) is drunk', making me smile from ear to ear as Jake's mom tried to downplay it. Riiight. We got to see Jake's friend, Mike, who is really nice. His son is getting so big and is at the stage where he's into everything. It helped to kill ANY desire for offspring. Thank you Mike! We only got to go driving for a little bit on Friday, and the pictures were scarce. We DID take a few of some guy who was completely smashed and all over the road. He even narrowly missed a few head on collisions. Meanwhile I was snapping pictures away and we were letting out 'oooh!'s and 'Whoa!'s while texting Cat.

We *almost* missed our flight after Jake's stepgrandad suggested a scenic route to miss traffic. Dude... he almost drove us home on that route. We saw a few bad ass accidents after the rain started and made a mad dash once we got there. Half to be on time and half because we were soooo ready to be home again. It was worth it to see his family but I am so glad to be home it's not even funny. Yeehaw and all that jazz.

...Let the pre-redneck exercises begin! One (bite your tongue on anything political)... Two (bite your lips on anything to do with alternative lifestyles)... Three *grunts* (hand over mouth on ANYTHING religious) aaaand Four *argh* (hum softly to self whenever they bring up *their* points of view on any of said subjects). Finally... breathing exercises (because once you land it's smokers ville).

I think I'm ready....

It's so good to be home. I had a blast in Texas but the novelty wore off on Friday. Which was fine except we were stuck there til Sunday. After deep thought and much consideration (and his mother pitching a fit over half a dozen times) we decided that if we move to Texas it will be AT LEAST an hour or two from his family. Close enough for emergencies and weekend trips (not every month, mind you), but far enough to ward off any daily visits or expectations of chores. That woman almost puts a Jewish mother to shame. I love her dearly but damn... My only defense was pure sarcasm. I'm surprised she didn't haul off and slap me. I still think she secretly hopes we'll break up so she'll have her son back. Here's just a few of the tantrums I thwarted.

Example one:
Jake's step dad, Wayne, says the word 'fucking' and his mom yells "Don't you cuss around the kids!" So I pipe up, "Yeah. What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She ended up laughing and he got a kick out of it.

Example two:
His mom tosses the top to some food platter to him in a huff to throw away and he crumbles it. She yells "'I don't want to hear ANY more noise!" I say, "Uhhh... can we breath, or is that too distracting to the cooking?" Wayne and Jake laughed while his mother simmered.

Example three:
She yelled about him getting the fucking bananas. So of course I said, "Will the non fucking ones do?" She hushed and Wayne said, "So which ones do you want?" She snapped "What do you mean?" and he said, "The fucking or non fucking ones?" We all started laughing so she basically just said whichever they have. I could swear I heard her jaw snap at that one, though

For the most part she mellowed after I said something. There wasn't much she could do but save face and laugh along. I know that we're going to have a brawl one of these days, though. I love her to death but that woman needs a stern talking to. She treats Jake like a kid and expects everyone to read her mind on what she wants. No matter what is done it's not good enough. Jake's dad is a nice guy, as long as you don't discuss politics, religion or homosexuality. Then the redneck kicks in and everyone gets their feelings hurt. *sigh* It's been so many years since I had to deal with 'family' and all their quirks it's like trying to ride a bike. Every time I get frustrated I look at Jake and realize why I'm dealing with it. *smiles* It's worth every pulled hair.

On to better things. So I ran up their outside stairs and fell through a rotted out step. Right up to my knee. The bad news is my foot and knee are bruised. I'm guessing just soft tissue damage. The good news is that it's not my knee that I had surgery on. I may not be graceful but at least I've mastered fucking up one leg at a time. Oh joy. Oh rapture.

We are Texas bound as of 6am on Wednesday. You know what that means? A 3am wake-up call and out the door by 3:20am. It hurts to even type that early of an hour. It's not morning until the sun hits the window in my book, so this is a night flight by my standards. If all goes well we should be touching ground at 11am. Just in time to crawl into bed for a nap. That is... after the hour and a half drive to hicksville. I can't wait to see all of Jake's family again and pump some Jewish blood back into that household. His mother was worried about what to cook for dinner. She thought I'd be offended if she served pork. As long as it doesn't hit my plate I'm good to go.

Some years ago a friend dragged me to her family's house, insisting that it wasn't healthy to spend holidays alone. Apparently sitting at the table while people treated you like a charity case was supposed to lift my spirits. So here I was, plate in hand for the main course. They brought out this funky looking charred meat and placed it infront of me. I asked what it was and the mother smiled and said it's Por.... ohhh noo. There I was, twelve people staring at me as if they had just served my dad's head on a platter. I smiled and said, "peanut butter and jelly it is." After three hours of apologies I couldn't wait to get my ass home. Needless to say I passed on future invites. If I wanted guilt on that scale I'd go to Temple.