Today I decided to start pushing my coworker to get her tuckus in gear so we could train on my reports. This has been an ongoing drama. Mind you, she promised to do this so I could go on vacation in return for me relieving her. After learning Friday that she didn't have access to the area needed I asked her to email the person listed for said access. this morning I asked if she received a response. After sifting through her various emails she said no. Fuck this shit. I got on the phone to call the person and was told they never received an email and to please resend. After hanging up she said she forgot to send it. *grumbles* A half hour later she STILL didn't send it. When the email finally went we received a response saying she should have access and to please try. Forty minutes later I said that if she didn't at least check I was going to pitch a fit. She said she'd check... but didn't have time to train. I stared. I opened my mouth. I just stood there. She didn't even read the detailed instructions (READ: six pages) that I wrote. After checking and giving me the thumbs up she added, "Don't worry if I don't do this right. It will be on me that I didn't do it and not you." WTF!?! I think my heart stopped for a moment. She said it as if she was ordering tea. I couldn't even respond. Apparently the work I do isn't important to her so she's ignoring the fact that I busted my ass to create it. Some people can just shrug things like this off, but I can't. When I use the numbers I want them to be right. I have the top brass reading them.

Later on she decided to do an admission to 'get used to it'. She ignored my instructions and didn't write down a damn thing. Again with the lack of consideration. Her desk is piled high with duties and none of them are done. At the end of the day I was so annoyed I said that my old boss taught me something very valuable (yes, she actually taught me good things). She taught me to speak up BEFORE I get overwhelmed so I can get help. That way I don't produce a bunch of half assed projects instead of some that I am proud of. I don't think she even got it. At 4pm she mentioned that we'd train tomorrow. You're damn right we will.

I got an email from one of my BBs (with the other CCd) showing the census numbers he got that are slightly different than mine. Mind you, he goes into each patient to see what they are. He also tells me one of the doctors Mr. Nosy said was ours is in private practice and asks me to break down how I do the whole report. I wanted to scream. My coworker decides to show up at work (2pm) and is in a chatty mood. I have the look of fear in my eyes and she is just chit chatting about shit I could give a rat's ass about. I mention what I'm doing and that I have to recount numbers, etc... and she still talks while I'm doing it. WTF!?! An hour later I finally shoot off the response and pray that I don't end up chasing my head down the block. It's 20 minutes until I leave and I haven't heard a response. *siiiiigh*

My biggest frustration with this report is that it went from a simple FYI to a major report that the heads off the hospital get. Any changes are a HUGE deal and I am constantly under the gun to make it better. Both my BBs expect something different from it which makes it impossible to do. It would be like creating two reports. One internal and one external. I don't mind doing both, but don't ask me to combine it so I have to explain to every one of them how it works and what each number means and why. I am expecting some less than pleasant response by one of them in the near future. Yeah, this is going to be fun...

The question is: what's happening with my job? After a HORRIBLE day yesterday in which the new coworker got my boss involved and made me sound like I was obstructive (not even asking me the details) I called my boss to find out what the hell is happening. The new gal said my job is changing, the protocols are changing and that she was in meetings pertaining to this. I was less than thrilled. My boss assured me it was simply a clarification but then said we HAVE to make this work. Personally I have no problem with working with her. My issue is that she seems to know more about what's happening with my job than I do. At first my boss was going to meet with us on Thursday. She emailed today to say it would be at 4pm. Luckily the new gal and I had talked for a while and hammered out some details. She emailed our boss to let her know all is well and that I was on board with the team. I was slightly miffed at that since I didn't think I was ever OFF board, but whatever. I think today will be important for two reasons. First it will clarify what is changing and what they'd like me to do. Secondly I will see if the new gal tries to make it sound as if she's the reason things are better and not that she totally missed my point and asked for clarification elsewhere without even letting me know. Even our boss said that she should have CCd me. yeah, thanks for that. I'm hoping the meeting will be positive and I'll walk away with my job. Beyond that... I can't wait for the weekend.

Last night's meeting was less than stellar. I sat around as three groups of doctors discussed my new duties. Each adding their own version and how it should be done. Meanwhile my boss and I just sat there... not saying a word. You could tell that any sort of objection/clarification/recommendation was going to be met with less than friendly responses. Today my boss called and I tried to talk to her about my take on it. Her first response was that she wanted me to not be obstructive. WTF!?! I clarified that trying to make sure there is some sort of procedure put in place that everyone agrees upon BEFORE winging it is not being obstructive. It's making sure that it will succeed. She understood and we talked about the issues, etc... I am not happy with this 'just wing it' attitude I have been getting. First of all there are patients that need to be taken care of. Secondly... it's my ass on the line. I'll be damned if I'm going to just start something without some sort of idea as to how it works, what is needed and who is going to do it. Add to the problem that half of the new duties are dependent on rooms that won't even be available for one to two years... you're damn right I'm freaking out.

My boss also added that I am in a management role and therefore need to start making these decisions on my own. I really like my boss... but this mentoring without being there is getting frustrating. I want some guidance, damn it. First all decisions are to be made on a higher level and given to me. Now I'm 'winging it' and letting her know in case she has any objections or suggestions. She also brought up the ever popular 'learning curve' that I'm on. Without anyone to teach me it might as well be a wall. Straight up, no traction. Here are some skates... go at it.

Jake gets extra kudos for handling my temper tantrum this morning. This weekend I FINALLY got my taxes done. That's at least a month later than usual. Add to it that the State Refund will be an IOU and it's all going to pay off my credit card... I should have mailed that sucker out on Saturday.

Then there's the job. The one thing I requested when I first took this position was a buffer. Two two BBs are doctors, and pretty high up on the totem pole. This means their patience is thin and their line of reasoning may not always be the best when it comes to rationality. They're the kind of bosses that say "I want a nice house" but don't give you any tools to build it with or a blue print to start off. My boss is the person who has been doing this. She understands that houses just don't materialize. It's up to us to work with the contractors, painters, decorators, etc... to create the house and sell the look to them. That being said... I have a HUGE meeting that I was told I am going to tonight. I was also sent random emails from doctors about a job duty I knew nothing about. Enter freak-out mode. I called my boss who said she heard something was in the works but nothing concrete was said. Oy. After telling her about the emails and phone call she said, "It's a good thing that they feel comfortable enough to go straight to you." That wasn't helping. Then she added that I know more about it than she does. Also... not helping. Between the money, wanting to save for our trip next month and my job getting vague duties tacked on that my boss isn't even aware of made me super sensitive. Not full bitch-mode... but yeah. Jake handled the situation wonderfully and is really the only reason I'm not in the corner babbling about the end of the world. I don't know what I'd do without him. Oh yeah... have the XBox 360 to myself.

(I kid. I kid)

Right now I am fighting off an electoral anxiety attack. The more time I spend staring at the polls and reading the CNN tickers the less calm I get. Obama's gaining ground, he's losing ground... the race is 'tightening'. I feel like I need a paper bag to breathe into. Time for a little electoral enlightenment. Right now CNN says Obama has 203 SAFE Obama electoral votes. He has 88 LEANING Obama votes. That's a grand total of 291votes. Obama needs 270 to win. Here's where it gets sticky. There are also 87 TOSS UP votes for grabs. Obama needs 67 more votes (not counting the leaning) to win. That's still one hell of a lot of votes needed. Now the McCain camp (boo! Hiss!). He has 121 SAFE McCain votes and 39 LEANING votes. That's a total of 160. He needs 149 more votes (not counting the leaning) to win. That's a whole fuckload of votes. To many people it's a no brainer. But that's not the way to think. What happens if he gets the leaning, toss up and a few surprise Obama states? We have four more years of Bush politics. People say they're voting Obama. They will wear the pins (given to them for free) and cheer him on from the sidelines. But come election day they figure they are too tired or the line is too long and decide that he's going to win even without their vote. That 'why bother' mentality is almost as bad as the 'of course I'm voting for the Black guy' one. People want to sound like they're hip and willing to cross the party lines to vote for change. But when election day comes they start feeling that guilt about letting the team down and vote for what's safe. Vote for what they know.

CNN is talking about a possible late October surprise. That makes me nervous. It also makes me angry. Don't get me wrong... the candidate's character is important. But dirty politics in order to get votes leaves a bad taste in my mouth. They don't care that they aren't winning because people think they're the right choice. They don't care that their misinformation is getting them votes instead of people believing in them. Just get me in so I can be the President. That's what Bush did. That's what McCain is doing now. When a candidate does more to damage the other guy than show you what they are offering... it means they don't have dick to offer. Give me an exit plan. Give me a SOUND economical plan. Give me SOMETHING that shows you are interested in the American people and not the corporations. Their campaign spokesman is a guy who isn't even a licensed plumber and lied on national television about his wages, the fact that he had no immediate plans to buy the business and that said business doesn't even make $250,000 a year. How can you be behind someone that's not even willing to stand behind the people but will gleefully stand behind a farce? Ask yourself that on November 4th.

Yeah, so it's not even 11am and there have been no fewer than 8 huge emails being tossed back and forth between all the hospital big wigs regarding my job, their expectations (all different... surprise, surprise) and when it is to start. Honest to G-d I am going to have a nervous breakdown over the emails alone. The last one seemed to be the voice of reason, but I'm not holding my breath that this is over. When I started a was told it was a work in progress but the BBs had a clear idea of what they wanted. That quickly dissolved into possibilities and conflicts. Now we're back to the clear idea part, which should have been laid out in the first place. And by 'first place' I mean before I was hired. I'm loving every thing about this job except for the matter of what the hell I'm supposed to do. I've had over two months to prepare and I'm not ready. Why? Because it's been two months of bickering, suggestions, possibilities and guesswork. Now I have to hustle to catch up so I don't end up on the end of the fail train.

Today was an eventful day emotionally. It started at 7:30am and ended after 5pm. The first snag (that I have yet to learn the verdict of) came when I was filling out my paperwork. After learning that I change from biweekly to monthly paychecks I was given my job description. Under supervisor it said TBD. To be determined? WTF!?! Okay, so I made a mental note and tried to carry on without acting out. Afterwards I hiked over to get my parking sticker and bumped into some old coworkers. We chatted for a bit and then I called my supposedly NB. It was around 9am and she was in a meeting. I guess she figured I'd fuck around or something and said to get some coffee and water... and she'd meet me at 10:15am. Ooookay. So I started calling friends and no one was around. They were either at home studying or moved to another building that I didn't want to walk to. 10:15am came and went... and my NB was no where to be found. She showed up around 10:30 and we went into her office. After making comments such as 'things have changed since Friday' and 'we're not sure who you'll be under' and then 'we'll find out what your job really will be at 4pm when we meet with the Big Boss (BB)' I started to panick. Then she said we'd drive over to some woman's office in my car and see what I could do to help her. Oh sure, lose MY spot. Anyway, we arrived and met up with her (another really nice lady) and my NB says, "By the way, do you have a desk with a computer we can sit her at for a few weeks?" Yeah, I was sweating. These are the sorts of things I'd expect any job to have in place BEFORE hiring someone. I bit my tongue and figured I'd wait until 4pm before losing it. As we walked out my NB said, "I'm going to walk back. Why don't you go to Hosp. B and introduce yourself." I said okay and felt completely lost. I have no office. No phone. No business cards. What the hell am I supposed to say? "I, eventually you'll be officially meeting me and we'll go over the details. I just stopped in to say hi. What? A number? Uhhh... I'll get back to you on that." All class...

On the way to Hosp B I called up my friend (and Jake's boss) and had a mini melt down. She calmed me as much as she could, gave me some tips and told me she should be charging me. She also agreed that it wasn't a great way to do this. I had an interesting time at Hosp B. They looked at me as if they had no idea as to why I'd even come and I couldn't convince them that showing up without any business cards or call back numbers is the new way to do business. You know... the mysterious way. After that I bought MickyDs and contemplated my current job move. I also had three hours to kill before meeting my NB and BB. So I vented to a friend (who had suggested the job originally) and she agreed that it was a screwy way to start off. She said that six months from now I'll look back on this and laugh. I hope she's right. From my end it looks like a job that isn't even needed (the thing that changed on Friday was someone else taking over half my duties) and nothings in place for me to make sure it will be. I can't even dazzle em with brilliance or baffle em with bullshit sitting on a computer that isn't mine without any programs listed.

The meeting helped clear a lot up. The change on Friday will still be under my control (thank goodness) and the BB is awesome. He's really easy to talk to and a dynamite guy. I asked a few questions that they liked and we fleshed out my position some more. It's still a bit hazy but the duties seem a lot easier. Plus... I get my own cell phone, business cards and a 9th floor office that faces the ocean. Yeah, this could be nice. REAL nice.

This morning my OB (old boss) decided to fuck up my mellow. My new boss emailed me to confirm the start date for my new position. I asked my OB and she said, "Tell her I haven't even posted the job yet and want to know when she need me by. The longer she stays with me the better". Then she stood over me to make sure I typed it in verbatim. I wanted to scream. The worst part is that I can't even say shit about it. Since I'm transferring within the same hospital it's up to the managers to duke it out. What's worse is I can't even say anything because it wouldn't be appropriate to bad mouth my OB to my NB. Since my NB is off for a few days I won't even know the outcome until then. So yeah. I am not a happy camper.

Later on in the day she sent an email saying that I should no longer be handling any business related calls and if someone calls me I need to forward them to her and let them know I am leaving so she can delegate who will take over the task. A minute later she emailed me to do a report for her. Do you know how hard it was not to forward the email to her and say it needs to be delegated?

Yesterday was trying to say the least. The lazy coworker decides to once again play the 'my phone went on Make Busy (meaning no calls can go through) on it's own'. After running some reports on the phone software I spoke with the phone IT guy who felt it wasn't a phone issue, but her placing herself on MB. To test this he asked if we could switch phones with someone who wasn't having that issue (namely anyone else). I offered to switch and went to tell my 'old' boss. She was in a pissy mood and snapped that she "Just wanted the reports. That's all. JUST the reports." I stomped out, grabbed the reports and put them on her desk. She countered my stomping by snatching the reports up and slapping them down in front of her. I attempted to explain the report, with her interrupting and saying "I underSTAND that' every other sentence. She then said it three times in a row and said she simply wanted "C" to explain why the phone went on MB. She even added, "I was there when it happened". When I responded with, "You were THERE? You were standing IN HER OFFICE and saw it go to MB?" Then she clarified in the most pissy voice she could that she called her and couldn't reach her because it was on MB. I wanted to scream. The answer she wanted would be impossible to give without having a video camera pointing in the cubicle at that very moment. Reports can only go so far. But of course she already knew that. Twit. I stormed out of the office, slowing down just long enough to yell out, "C, will you explain the reports to 'old boss'?". I didn't even wait for an answer. I went over to her boss's assistant. You know, the 'real' assistant. I blew off steam for a bit. She told me she couldn't believe I lasted so long. She's right. I have no idea why I stayed here this long. Yesterday's little fit was just a sampling of what I've been dealing with. Years of rude and inappropriate behavior. Every time she simply shrugs it off with a 'you know how I am' attitude. As if that makes it okay. It's my fault for allowing it to continue. I fully accept that. But I'll be damned if that behavior is going to fly with the next assistant, no matter HOW much they need the job. Minor annoyance: My old boss gives me an exit review. I wasn't thrilled to hear about THAT. So much for me storming back into her office and telling her off. *sigh* So now I wait for another three weeks before finding out if my last day is on the 30th or not. This weekend I'm going into hibernating.

Every time my phone rings my heart beats a little faster. Every time it's NOT the call I'm waiting for my heart aches a little more. My boss said when she asked if they knew when a decision would be made the answer was 'probably sometime this afternoon'. That was Monday. I realize that decision doesn't equal phone call... but then again maybe it does. I've slipped and told others about my possible new job, including the lazy coworker who I can't stand. If it falls through then I'll feel even more of a failure. My boss will probably be supportive for about an hour... then ride my ass like it's the World Series for Rodeos. I can also see her start the 'let's see what you're doing wrong so we (meaning she) can fix it. And by wrong I mean everything I do. And by fix it I mean critique everything from my style to my breathing. I called my friend this morning and she said I sounded like a nervous wreck. She's right. It's one thing to apply for a job and not get it. It's quite another for everyone to know you didn't get it. Especially since I would go from 'top candidate' to loser in the time it takes to make a courtesy phone call... or open a dear Jane letter. So now I'm left waiting and wanting to know, and that's the worst part. I want them to be sure I'm right for the position. I want them to have confidence that they chose the best person. As long as it's me....

I want details! I want descriptions! I want to fucking know every time they breathed. My friend, on the other hand, wants to summarize a VERY important conversation. She ended it with a "Don't worry. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." Fuck that shit. I want to worry. I want to know. I want to panic. I want to fret and dissect the conversation for any innuendoes that may mean something but most likely mean absolute dick. Right now I feel like I'm going to burst and the only thing I can say is 'I'll let you all know soon... either way'. As it is I feel like the 'either way' is not going to be a happy one. *sigh*

My limit is seven apparently. My boss hit me with twelve emails. Three asking for the same thing. Two updating. This is in the span of five minutes. I was already doing the daily reports (12 different reports lumped into one end result report). On top of that I'm dealing with patient complaints, VIP patients and doctors wanting to refer their patients. All at the same time. One report I missed her comment about simply letting her know when it was done so that she could send it. Then she added that I didn't add a heading to it so they could figure out what information they were looking at. Both totally my fault. Even so... I couldn't help but feel that she was baiting me into fucking up. She's adding different reports, changing how she wants them... then calling me about new reports at the same time. I'm so tired and just feel like crying. The worst part is that she said she wanted to start putting everything in writing (paper trail) because we aren't on the same page anymore. No shit. I'm back on page twenty and she's on page 55/92/3/67/89/6/and all of the above. I know she has a suspicion about the job offer. Either someone reads my rants and tells her (FUCK YOU) or she's so nosy she listens to more than I think she can. Either way... I feel like my time here is growing short and I'd better get my ass in gear.

My boss is at work... sick. Not even just a little sick, either. She's coughing up a storm and not even covering her mouth. the ignorance astounds me. How someone who has been a nurse for almost thirty years can think that sitting in an office somehow makes everyone immune from your illness. I've been wearing long sleeves to I don't have to touch doors and doorknobs. The ventilation system sucks ass so that's the first issue. We're all breathing the same air. someone coughs on the far right and it comes right over to our side.

Right now I have zero sick time and am sweating bullets. I was out for three days without pay and my boss hasn't said anything so I guess I'm humped this next paycheck. I don't even want to risk going in there to ask her if I can use my vacation... especially since she's 'in a mood'. Add to that that she's been talking about retiring more and more... I'm so screwed if she does. Showing 20 years experience means dick when you don't have any sick time to show for it. If my leg gets chopped off I'm going to wrap it in an ace bandage and hop my way into work.

My boss has been pushing for me to finish three major reports, one of which I have to totally redo and haven't the faintest idea on how I'm going to do it with all the info requested. We've been short people every day and I've already told her I haven't touched these reports. So what does she do? She dumps some bullshit class on me that we don't even have the manpower to take care of. Now I have to talk to a bunch of people who don't even qualify to be in the class but still want to ask a gazillion questions about it. Personally I want to pull an elitist attitude and thumb my nose at them as I hang up the phone... but my customer service karma is already lacking. The class is a total disaster to begin with. Nothing was in writing as far as what to ask, what to say, etc... I loathe when people tell me to 'just wing it'. Oh sure, throw me to the sharks and snicker as I go down fighting. Our office has grown so much, yet my boss still thinks she has to appease every schmuck that walks in asking for help. I just don't get it...

Anyone want a boss? More than slightly jaded, unpredictable and horrible memory. Prone to snippy remarks and the blame game. Price: FREE.

I walked into the refrigerator I call my cubicle and managed to crack a smile without cracking my face. The temp is in the low 60s now (was in the fifties) and there's NO heat coming out of the vents. Needless to say no one was in a great mood. My boss caught an issue that we've had with the report for OVER a year and she made the decision to keep before. It seems that the coldness cracked her skull and she NOW decided that it's something to fix. One problem: There's no easy fix outside of not counting it. Cue the drama. I get to try and explain to her the issue and get attitude back. I toss it at her and we're on the road to a bitch-fest. She decides that MY description isn't good enough and pulls the nurse in. After making me explain to the nurse the issue she starts throwing random decisions out, none of which are easy and ALL of which she stopped doing before because of the errors. Then she tells me she doesn't like my tone. MY tone. She's being a total bitch and basically saying I'm not good enough to explain a simple issue... and I have the attitude problem. Yeah, so I stormed out of the office and haven't said shit to her. I spent a few minutes on the phone with Jake, trying not to cry (and failing). This is going to be SUCH a shitty day.

Monday day sucked ass. First my boss asks me to contact a director's assistant to confirm a conference room. After asking several people I tell her I don't know who the assistant is. Her response: "You've met her. Do you remember the Christmas party three or four years ago, when the ex CEO played a harp? She played it with someone who played the violin. The person playing the violin is his assistant." After staring blankly at her for a few moments I said, "I meant in some official capacity. Not at some function I didn't want to be at and didn't pay attention to." We went through a few rounds of did not/did to before she broke down and gave me her fucking name. Then she moves on to asking if the conference room was ready for a meeting I didn't know about. Again with the blank stares. After that she goes into the meeting and someone intercoms me asking if we ordered food. I go and ask her and assumed it was here (my fault) so she comes out. Nope, they just wanted to confirm an order change. She walks back down the hallway muttering, "You guys (meaning me) need to clarify before saying they're here." I yelled out, "Wha...!? You need to CLARIFY that you even ordered the food!" She ignored me and everyone else stared, jaws dropping. I swear to G-d... That woman is going to drive me batshit.

I hate when I can't sleep. Everytime I tried to sleep I kept thinking about the reports I had to do. I would close my eyes, try to think of anything else and BAM! Be right back to thinking about work. I finally got up at 4AM and did the damn report. I should have done it last night... 20/20 hindsight, right?

I also did something to my hip that's mildly concerning me. I have some joint pain and no bruising. At first I thought I might have banged my hip on a table, but the pain is a little different. It's deeper and only hurts when I try to cross my legs. The only thing I can think of is when my hip popped while we were... well... Yeah, it popped. This oughta be interesting to explain to the doctor.

Monday was quite the shitty day. The HUGE report I was told about on Friday AFTERNOON took up all my day. The best part? It's still not done. Considering it's due today at 10AM I can comfortably say: I'm screwed. At one point I had my boss standing behind me, asking me what I was going to do next. Each time I tried to do a number she asked that. I finally said, "I'm going to wait until you leave before continuing. THAT'S what I'm going to do next." She left, only to come back when I burried my hands in my head. Our data is shit. All the little tweaks she's done has made it impossible to give an accurate report without working twice as hard. It makes me want to scream. I just keep thinking about the Friday when she'll be off. I'm going to fuck around like there's no tomorrow. Work? HAH! Talk to me on Monday.

Thursday came and went without any formal update from my Boss. I quietly asked her how the meeting went and she gave me a thumbs up. WTF is that supposed to mean? By the end of the day I couldn't stand it and approached her in her office. She initially gave me the 'Don't worry about it' brush off. I retorted, "Don't worry? You take me to an hour lunch with talk of looking for another job and then it's a thumbs up and don't worry? Did he change his mind?" "Nothing's changed. If I am looking for a new job I will let you know." That was the end of our discussion. I was going to put off doing things until I knew what was going to happen. Now I feel like I should try doing them as quickly as possible so get them out of the way. If I don't I may not get a chance to do them for a loooong time. *sigh* Just when I thought all this work shit was settling.

Okay, so I may be needing to find a new job pronto. My boss asked me to have coffee with her and talk. It would seem there is a probable big shake-up happening and her future is iffy. That also means mine is. She'll find out more on Thursday, which bites... because that's two whole days away. We had a really nice chat though, which was refreshing. I busted my ass today trying to get a four part report out so she could show the powers that be how well we are doing. She was happy with the result, which was a relief. Needless to say, :Jake: and I have some rethinking to do on our plans. *sigh*

The two new girls that work our department have finally lost their 'new person' shine and are showing their less than attractive quirks. I really like them, so I'm hoping the boss' claim to be able to 'whip them into shape' is true.

The first gal doesn't want to write down notes... ever. So now we're learning about all the mistakes she's done because she didn't listen to directions. She's really pushy, which threw me off at first. Now I just tell her to calm down and it breaks the steam engine that is her personality down.

The second gal is a worldwind of gab. I'm amazed she finds time to breathe. I adore her sweetness but the energery that girl kicks out is tiring. Unfortunately she sits next to the ladies in the next department who love to chat and it's going to get her into trouble. She also seems to forget how to do things, and that's wearing thin on the boss' nerves. REAL thin. Yesterday the bossasked me to show her how to do something AGAIN because if she showed her she'd start yelling. She also caught her painting her nails. There is no way you can be slow enough to paint nails during work hours at this job. When I found out the information I had been begging people to enter into the computer was sitting on her desk I wanted to cry. She doesn't understand the idea of time limits and urgencies. Oy...

Yesterday I went through April stats to get a head start on it. They fucked up on so much stuff... today I plan on having a long meeting with the boss. She keeps saying how she has someone check their work and yet it's not being checked. My daily reports for them are going to be one hundred pages long just so they can check everything. The next step is to hire people to sit next to them and point what to do.

Today was a test of my inner strength. We were swamped with projects and all I could think about was going home and having an enjoyable evening with Jake. My boss was in a good mood and even drove to get the Cinco de Mayo food from El Pollo Loco. I think that's what kept me sane enough to make it. If she had been in one of her 'moods' I think I would have been looking for a job. Seriously. All I want to do is kick back and relax this weekend. Chat with people on and off but for the most part get away from it all. As of 5 O'Clock the world ceased to exist as we know it. Now it's just me, Jake and the cats... getting ready to drink some Don Julio tequila and watch a flick or two. Not the cats. They're not allowed to drink. :p

The past two days have been so enjoyable. Yesterday I spent twenty minutes fighting with my boss in a yelling match that silenced half the floor. The reason? She claimed I didn't tell her about a bug with some letters I created. The bug that SHE originally found months ago and made me sit on the phone with the programmers of the software to find the cause of. The bug that she told everyone about. No way in hell was I going to let that go by. So we both butted heads on it while my friend stood there, in utter silence with her jaw on the floor. At one point my boss yelled at me to 'stop saying you told me' when explaining it. I retorted 'Fine. But I DID tell you.' my friend thought she was going to lunge for me. Whatever. Later that night I jumped out of the shower and saw hives. I figured it was just the shower with the heat of the day. By three I was going nuts. No way was I going into work like this. So I called my boss and was greeted by a 34 minute scolding about how I'm letting stress get to me and that it's a pattern. At one point she said I needed to find a way to get rid of the stress. I said, 'Fine. I quit.' She wasn't amused. She kept on about how it was mental until I balked. My eye is red, I have blotches all over and it's itching like crazy. It's NOT mental. Then she went on to my diet and started bitching at me about that. Honestly it would have been easier to just go in. I need to find a new job. I have so many things I'm planning that it's the worst time to start looking. As soon as that's over I am making a B-Line for the job section.

I arrived at work to see sticky notes everywhere. All the reports I did had circles, questionmarks and "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?" All my work... destroyed. Leave the boss alone for one day and all hell breaks loose. After reminding her for the tenth time how I get the numbers she sheepishly said, "Oh, can you reprint them then?" I sat down at my desk and was shaking. She started to complain about something else and I literally found myself thinking 'I quit. I'll find work somehow.' Luckily it didn't go past the lips. Then my boss storms past me and locks her eyes on a coworker. The next thing I hear is "Get off the internet and get to work". I swear all I could think was, "Thank G-d she's onto someone else." When she came back she looked relieved... like she was able to blow off some steam and not piss me off.

Later on in the day she asked me to help her get together a report for a big meeting she has. The meeting that's been scheduled for two weeks. The meeting that starts in 40 minutes... and is 40 minutes away. I wanted to bang my head against the desk. I rushed around, getting everything together and finally got her out the door as the meeting was about to begin. *sigh* I was so warn out by the end of the day I could have crawled into my car. After a 30 minute drive home I get a call on my cell from her. She wanted to thank me for all the hard work I've done and tell me that the report I put together impressed the big guys and may have saved some jobs. That's a hell of a way to end the day...

Let me get this straight... The coworker who worked a grand total of 5.5 months out of 12 last year takes off for a week and I have to do her work? AND she doesn't even do the work from last month (yes the WHOLE fucking month) and someone else had to pick up her slack? What kind of deal did she make? Sign me up... I've been on edge every day with the amount of work dumped on me and all I hear is 'you missed out on 30 minutes worth of work because you didn't ask if someone was done'. This job is getting OLD.

Yesterday I snapped. My boss changed my report AGAIN, then wanted to know why I wasn't finished with it. I guess I should feel honored that someone thinks I work that fast... but I don't. I almost wish it would go back to her thinking I was a fuck up and could do nothing right. The expectations are so much lower and I had time to breathe. Right now I'm working like a dog and not getting breaks. Meanwhile my coworkers are whining about their everyday, nonchanging tasks. I would kill to have a schedule like that. If they keep up on the whining I just might...

Today was just such a horrible day. I am so glad that it's over with. I am going to crawl into bed and just pray tomorrow is over by the time I wake up.

I'm really getting tired of my job. It's just not the same anymore. The atmosphere is different and the work load sucks monkey balls. I will be at UCLA 19 years this October. It's so draining to even think of being here longer than that. I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or how the hell I even start. *sigh* Don't mind me... I'm in a life-hater mood right now.

My boss lowered the boom on some of my coworkers today. Apparently they were complaining about calls being transferred to them on Friday and she got sick of it. We've been trying to help them out because three people were out. Actually it was two people and a supervisor who didn't do shit. They still don't understand that she can hear everything from her office. She yanked them into a meeting first thing and told them that the three of them answered 37 calls total on Friday while I answered 60. They also managed to be late on their breaks, which meant I had no idea when they were available for calls. Then she rapped it up by asking if they wanted our help. Their eyes got as big a saucers when she offered to let them do it all by themselves. At least I didn't have to hear them gripe about calls today.

They've been so lucky to be able to get away with so much because their old boss didn't do shit. I don't understand how you can take a job and not take responsibility for your actions. Their old boss came in late, chatted about her children all day and never checked to see how they were doing. When someone got behind she just let it go. Meanwhile patients are waiting for them to get their ass into gear and call them. Now they have to actually be held accountable for their work. The worst part is that there are a few who really work hard and I hate seeing them have to listen to chiding that really didn't pertain to them. Oh well, at least the heats off me for a day.

Mondays are bad enough without my boss being on a rampage. She'd hug my coworker then turn and bitch at me about something I had nothing to do with. The last straw was my afternoon break:

Me: *picks up intercom* Yes?

Boss: Since XXX left early I am the back up. You are also the back up. I need you to log back on now and not log off. When is your break?

Me: Now.

Boss: Fine. Take your brea...

Me: I am taking my break.

Boss: Okay. Take your brea...

Me: I AM ON MY BREAK.

Boss: Oh. Okay.

It was like she HAD to order me to do something. I wouldn't have cared except she had been doing this all fucking day. I finally went into her office to ask what the prolem was. I asked if she was on the phone and got no response. After standing there and looking at her frowning face, I walked out and yelled, "Forget it!" Then she starts calling me back in... It's like a fucking game. I asked her what was wrong and she started talking about all this shit which would have pissed me off too. I wasn't going to let her off that easy though. I said, "Yes, but what is wrong with ME? I've been answering their lines since I started and only logged off to do the report you asked me and for lunch. If you're pissed at them, fine. But what did I do?" She couldn't even respond. She talked more about what was going on... but this time her tone was more acceptable. I waited until she stopped and then repeated that I have been here supporting them since before 8am... She said she knew and I turned and left.

I know she's under mounds of stress right now and I wouldn't trade her job for the world. But it would be nice to not have to play 'guess my mood' on a daily basis.

So I had my MRI, which was a nightmare. I didn't know I was claustrophobic until they tried to squish me into this tube. I freaked, the WONDERFUL tech pulled me out and sat with me while I cried. I called my doctor who said I HAD to do it and prescribed me Aviton (a derivative of Valium). I went in six hours later and my doctor emailed me the next day: "You have a bad, deep otitis externa AND mastoiditis. Make a follow-up appointment with the Head and Neck surgeon." I freaked. I can't even see him until Friday at 7:30am. Right now I'm just nervous about what is going to happen.

To all my friends: Thank you so much for the wonderful support you have given me and for understanding my flakiness. Hopefully this will be over soon (crosses fingers) and I can get back to some sort of a normal life.

Last night I dreamt about work. I also dreamt about a rap video that talked shit about Eminem. I hate when I can't remember the complete dream. This morning the bits and pieces I did remember left me saying "WTF!?!"

I have been working like a dog at my job. I feel like I'm at 50mph and about to hit a brick wall. Luckily it will be over soon. When my boss goes on vacation I'll have a week and a half of rest... which means I can catch up on two months of work that hasn't been done.

Yesterday we talked and she gave me some big news about our place. I can't say anything because she hasn't told the rest (sorry guys). She also told me not to let anyone take shit from me. "When you are talking to them it's like I'm talking to them." It's hard to imagine me as a tiny philipino chick but okay... She has caused me grief over the years that I've been there, but for the most part she's been the best boss I've had. She's very protective of her staff and finds ways to prove our worth. Hell, she kept us from being laid off. She's much easier to deal with now that she has the job she deserves and sees that I am I harder worker than she thought. That being said... I can't wait to get a breather! I don't care how nice your boss is, it's always nice when they aren't around. :)

I have been uber cranky lately. I'm exhausted and just don't want to chit chat much. I can't wait for my boss to go on vacation (come on Thursday!) so I can have a breather. Lately my boss has been adding onto my duties, not thinking about the fact that I have yet to finish the big project due before she leaves. *sigh* Today she said that I was going to be rewarded for all of my hard work. I just barked. It was either that or say, "biteme"... I'll believe it when I see it.

Today is the last day working in Westwood. It's been my second home for nearly 18 years. Onward to the new jobsite. After the layoffs, reorganization of our department and my job duty changes I finally feel like there's an end in sight to this stressful period of my life.

I'm really nervous about what it's going to be like in the new area. I think the last day is going to be the hardest. I'm worried that I won't be able to get there in time, that the new place will have people hell bent on bitching about everything and that I won't be able to even go online during breaks.

I want to thank my friends who supported me through these times and understood my need for space. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Sometimes the best friends are those who can sit quietly with you, and not have to speak. I knew you guys (and gals) were there and it meant the world. *hugs*

This has been one of the hardest days I've worked. One by one, eight people were led into their supervisor's office and laid off. Five of them were friends of mine. I feel lost right now. Even though we were warned about the layoffs months ago it still is a shock. My coworker spent the first part of the morning making comments like "Wow. Made it to first break." and "Gee... Lunchtime and I'm still here." I wanted to smack her. It didn't hit me until I turned and she was gone that I realized how right she was.

My friends are coming around and I don't know what to say. It's worse than a death. At least then you can console them, say that the person is in a better place, that the pain is over. Now all I can think of saying is clichés that always annoyed the fuck out of me.

It's hard for everyone when a business decides to do layoffs. Everyone goes through a whole gamut of emotions. Sad, angry, happy (that it's not them) and guilt. Right now I'm a little bit of everything (a talent from the Jew in me). I feel bad that my coworker is going, but a part of me want's her to leave already. Once she found out that she was definately being laid off she started being impossible to deal with. Everything that you ask her turns into the injustice of the company.

Me: Do you have any paperclips I can have?
Her: No! But it doesn't matter. In a week I'll be out on my ass and not even have a paperclip to my name.

Yesterday she crossed the line. She came in to my cubicle to whine/cry/rage about being laid off and started talking about how unfair our system was. "Why is it that someone gets to stay based solely on their years of service (me) while someone who has been a hard worker and fast learner gets laid off because she hasn't been here a while (her)?" WTF!?! What makes her think that she's better than me because she can make a fucking graph faster? Mind you, she's slow as shit after eating refried beans when it comes to any of our daily duties. She 'forgot' to do a report needed every 3 months for a whole year. Guess who had to do it... Yeppers, yours truly.

Now I know why they don't give any prior warning to people. I figure she's going to do dick as far as duties are concerned for the next week. She'll be too busy sending out resumes (fine by me) and bitching at me about how she should have been the one they kept (blow me).

< /bitch fit>

I can't take this anymore. Honestly... it's getting rediculous. I have a friend who I care for. He's a complete sweetheart. He's also driving me up the fucking wall. He went from a great guy that I enjoyed chatting with to someone who starts every conversation with 'Do you like me anymore' or 'Are you through with being stressed?' I used to be very comfortable talking to him. Now I dread the same questions. I asked him numerous times to understand that I am dealing with a lot of stress with the layoffs and move and to please give me some space. He responded by IMing and PMing me asking if we were still friends. I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore and that we shouldn't talk for a while. I told him that I would contact him. He continued as if I said nothing.

This all started because he blurted out that he didn't like Bane, who happens to be my best friend. Bane, on the other hand, has no problems with him. Bane's only spoken to him once or twice and thought he was a nice guy. While I was flabbergasted, I respected his feelings. That didn't stop him from laying into me about how he felt about him. I finally put my foot down about it and asked him EXACTLY what he didn't like. He could never answer me. When he saw that Bane was posting more on NCT again he flipped. He sent me a bizarre PM saying that although he was never 100% on NCT (more like 3%) he was leaving it for good. This was right after I had told people that I needed to get away from all the online drama. Gee... thanks.

I hate losing friends, but I feel like he is forcing me to make a choice. His constant PMs, IMs and emails are borderline stalking. So far I've just ignored his messages (after the one that said not to contact me). This morning I woke up to two IMs, two PMs and FOUR emails... all saying the same thing. I lost it. I emailed him back saying to stop all contact. I told him that he was making me miserable and to just STOP. My next step is to just be a raving bitch... or sick my boyfriend on him.

I feel like I'm drowning. That's the only way I can describe it. Maybe that's why it makes it worse. My biggest fear is the water. Everyday people come into my office and cry. They're so afraid of losing their job. Part of me want's to scream "GET OUT!" I'm equally afraid, but for some reason they think I'm some strong person that helps them get over it. Like my words of wisdom will help them get through another day. I look at my coworker who is seeking some sort of words of encouragement and all I can think is 'you're the lowest person on the totem poll. Last hired, first fired... better you then me." I know it's shitty. I feel horrible for even thinking it. But it's the only thing that helps to get me through the day.

A friend of mine has changed from someone I love to talk to into someone I get irritated at the sight of their name popping up. Every conversation is the same thing: "Do you like me anymore? Are you mad at me? You've changed." Of course I have, damn it! There's only so many times I can tell you I am not angry with you, that nothing has changed but I am under an extremely huge amount of stress and to cut me some fucking slack. I don't have the energy to deal with your neediness. Oh G-d, what is happening to me? I hate this. In three months it will be over. I just don't know what will be left of me.

And that's just me... ENOUGH ALREADY! I am stressed to the max and have no patience whatsoever for anyone. I've even started snapping at friends. It's the start of April, which means the next rounds of layoffs are here and I am not handling the stress very well. Here's a simple way to get answers for the typical questions:

ANYONE: How are you?
ME: I'm bleeding, stressed and worried that I'll lose my job or that the new place they are going to move us will majorly suck monkey balls.

ANYONE: How do you feel?
ME: Miserable. I'm crying, scared and worried about what's going to happen.

ANYONE: Have you heard anything about your job yet?
ME: No.

ANYONE: Do you know what you're going to do/have you made any plans if you get laid off?
ME: No. I'm going to try and get a job somewhere in UCLA, otherwise I will be moving in with either Jake's family or our friend Kittyroze. Bane also may be getting a call.

If you just read these through the first week of June we'll both be MUCH happier. Both meaning me for not having to rehash and you for not getting your head bitten off by an over stressed friend.

I know it's going to be okay. I've lived my whole life landing on my feet after being slammed to the ground. But right now I'm in the middle of it and just want to quietly sit on my pitty pot and search for chocolate. *grabs Cherry Garcia ice cream* TGIFF