Yeah so I'm annoyed. Someone got their panties in a wad when I tried to clarify something using their post as reference. It was done so ONLY the people involved (that person included) would be able to view it. Everyone's been going through a harsh time so it's like walking on eggshells. Apparently I cracked one. So last night I had to deal with someone going off on me over something that was so simple... so benign... and so not snarky. It serves me right for trying to do something quickly. Blargh.

Right now I have so much going on in my life it's tempting to just walk away. I love this group and all they can offer but the bullshit does get a bit too high. It's not as bad as before, thank goodness. I just wish I were in a better place to deal with it. With the number one priority being my relationship from now on I just don't want to waste anyone's time if I can't help. Cryptic much? Yeppers... I don't want to cause issues or start some sort of bitchfest. I just want to get this shit out and hopefully think through what the best course of action would be for myself and the group.

Tonight Jake and I are going to watch the Obama infomercial and then tomorrow it's Obama on the Rachel Maddow Show. I would just LOVE to have gone to see him speak. His closing argument was uplifting and really gave me a positive feeling about the direction he could take our country. It's less than seven days and yet I am dying in anticipation for November 4th. We're both going to be a complete wreck that day... that's for damn sure.

I'm so happy with how Jake and I have been. I feel a real connection between us. Even moreso than before. This weekend we tried watching a few movies together that I had thumbed my nose at before. I loved Casino Royale and can't wait for the next Bond movie. I felt guilty that I didn't like Superbad though. *sigh* I know that we are going to have movies that we don't like but I was really hoping to be able to enjoy this one. I just couldn't get past the overly angry character. :/

This Friday we're going to the Halloween Carnival again. I kind of wanted to dress up somehow but I have no idea what to wear. If I see some simple costume I might still go for it. Otherwise I'll be the official photographer and Jake will be the official eye candy. The boys just love him. *grins*

Last night Jake and I were watching MSNBC and they played a bit where Palin bragged about her wedding band being something she bought for $35 in Hawaii. I turned to Jake and said, "Honey, I'll buy the band" and he jokingly said back, "For $35 I think I can swing it". It really got me to thinking. We've been slowly getting back on track and I feel like this time we're going well. I want to think about the marriage part but when it comes down to it... how much is the ring worth to me. That's where I'm at right now. There are so many beautiful rings out there... and my friend "E" had a wonderful idea. When she and her husband were married they settled for something they could afford with the promise that a nice ring would be bought on their anniversary. "D" made good on that promise and she has the ring I would dream of. But it's not worth waiting a year for. It's not worth making Jake feel like he can't save for himself too. So now I'm trying to compromise with myself about what I want VS what I REALLY want. And the beat goes on...

I am trying to get this poison out of my body. This negative emotion that keeps tearing away at me. This anger that keeps pushing down on me. This jealousy that keeps crushing me. It's so hard to. I don't have closure. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Considering the heavy dosage of PMS that managed to sneak up on me this week I don't think it would help at all. But there will be a point where I bury this weight that seems to be coming at me from all sides and making me feel like a punching bag. What I manage to suppress in my mind only comes out full force in my dreams. Last night I was up at 2am again, riding the stationary bike to try and tire myself out. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to think. Didn't want to worry. I didn't want to FEEL.

When I was younger I went to counseling after my dad died. I was angry. I had hate in my heart. I had tried to end my life and didn't even want to live. After being bounced around I found a counselor who managed to help me. She had me do something that ultimately released me from the anger and pain and moved me forward to where I am today. First she told me to close my eyes...

I am walking down a road. As I walk rocks kick up from beneath me into my hands. The farther I walk the larger the rocks becomes. Soon it is very large and very heavy. Up in the distance I see that the road splits. On the left side the ground becomes rocky. If I continue down this road the rock will become unbearable. The ground has dips and sharp rocks and I will fall. The right side is smooth and grass is growing. The grass grows taller and the road makes a sharp turn up a mountain. At the top I can see butterflies flitting about and hear birds chirping. I will not be able to climb the mountain with the rock in my hands. The rock is all of my emotions. The anger, the hate, the fear. While it seems like something everyone would want to be rid of, it's also a part of who I am. Now I am at the split in the road and must choose. The left side is what I am used to. The right side will be hard and I will fall at times. But in the end I will find the peace that I seek. Now I must decide... do I put the rock down forever? Do I let go of the hatred, and move on to happiness... or hold on to my past and follow a knowing path of more pain?

I remember visualizing myself putting down the rock. Tears streamed down my face. My mother, my family, people who abused me. I remember actually feeling the weight being lifted off of me. I've never looked back. I even found my way to the meadow above and relaxed while the butterflies flitted about. It took me a long time. I don't even want to think about where I would be if I hadn't met that counselor.

I know I'm not at the path yet. I can almost see it in the distance. There are some things I need to deal with (kick up into my arms) before I place this rock down. Soon I will come upon it and make a choice. *smiles* I look forward to laying in the cool grass again.

I have nothing to say today. That is, I have nothing I want to put down into print. The day I have nothing to say is the day they pull the plug. I can be such a chatty Cathy... and yet still not want to share. Chit chat til the cows come home... but the in depth shit stays within. Part of it is a hard lesson learned on what happens when you share too much and let people in too deep. I have a few close friends that really know who I am. Ironically they're all male and not into gossip. Maybe that's why I trust them. Also, they know how to give rational advice when I am anything but.

There's still a lot on my plate right now, but it's getting better every day. I'm trying to get back into chatting with friends, going out with friends and finding that happy medium that Jake and I had. This weekend we are going to see my friend from Highschool and possibly another friend from work. It's nice to be able to travel, visit friends and then just veg at home. There are so many things I want to do together... but the main thing is just doing things together. I almost wish it were six months from now. In six months we should be back to normal. No worries. No big issues. No working through the daily routines of working to make it work. I know that any relationship is always a work in progress. But we used to be a well oiled machine. We were comfortable with just being with each other and whatever we did was bonus. Now I'm still feeling the gears as they move. It's not as bad as when Jake first came home, but there is definitely a motion that needs to be worked on. I'm trying to get back to the point were it's okay. Where any issues will be worked out in due time and I'm not going to worry because we have forever to work on them. *smiles*

I'm too nosy. I'm a little more than slightly jealous. Right now I'm insecure. These are the days of my life. Blah. I think a lot of the latter two is because of all that Jake and I have gone through lately. My emotions are still tender... and it's PMS week on top of it. So yeah, I need to crawl under a rock and just not look at anything.

Today I had some free time and checked out my Facebook page. I did some major spammage and went to send Jake a random gift. One problem: I couldn't find the gifts I got him already. So now I'm annoyed and looking through his applications to find it and come across some singles type thing. Oh yes, that was JUST what I needed to see. So of course I worry. So of course I also know it's totally irrational. And yes, I still ask him about it. New rules are not to hold anything back, right? Anyway, he doesn't even know about the application and hasn't a clue about the icons. Another ridiculous situation that I've managed to get snagged into. But it doesn't help that I'm still feeling on edge. *sigh* At least Jake is level headed enough to recognize the symptoms and I am still rational enough to admit it and move past it. I may not be able to cure myself of PMS, but I can at least bring myself down. MOST of the time... that is.

Sometimes I want a macho man. A flexing, grunting, I'll take care of it kind of guy. The kind of man that gets his leg chopped off and simply tosses it into a bag and hops to work... and sews it back on during break. Mostly... it's because I have no maternal instinct and see my lack of compassion to the one person I love the most as a fault of mine. Take out the need for pampering and we're doing just fine and dandy. The minute Jake gets sick or just feels ill I go into some bizarre bitch-mode and can't seem to shake it until he gets out of it. Take this morning for instance. He is coming back from a two day vacation celebrating his birthday and managed to get food poisoning. He puked his guts out last night while at school so I picked him up (under threat of death if he puked in my car) and he went to bed. This morning he talked about not going into work and I turned into a mini boss. Statements like "You'll need a note", "This is a bad time for you to call in considering you'll be out with your knee" and even "You sounded JUST fine last night at 1AM when you couldn't sleep" flew out of my mouth . The final "You should AT LEAST go in for a little while" finally pushed him to iron his shirt. I practically bullied him into work. I don't know why I get this way. Maybe it's because most guys I've dated just buck up and deal with it. Most guys I've dated were assholes though. *blink* Well now... that puts things into perspective.

Oh yeah... and I've been on hold for ten minutes listening to music and now have Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time stuck in my head. Blah.

PS: After talking to a friend it was pointed out that I sounded a bit mean. It's not like I think Jake is a candy ass. He's strong, gets shit done and is the best bug killer I can find. When it's heavy he lifts it, when there's work to do, he does it. This rant is only on being sick... and more about how I react than how he feels. In short: He's a manly man. :p

Jake and I had a less than enjoyable weekend. We got into an argument over the usual stuff and I went to bed. That was Friday at 5:30pm. I woke up on Saturday still feeling the same and decided it was time to have a serious heart to heart. It started out with me asking him to look for an apartment and ended with him making (the same) promises to show he was serious about our relationship. School full time, savings for himself and paying me back for the car. We'll see. Needless to say, I haven't been in a blogging, chatting or just cheery mood. At the fact that we're still being sued for the car and our apartment is being held hostage by the handyman and I cannot WAIT for this to pass. Oh, and next month I turn forty. Fuck!

I have finally listed about 98% of my movies on DVD Spot. I still miss Guzzlefish, but oh well. I like how DVD Spot has an owned and wish list section. I finally have a list of the VHS I still need to buy as DVDs. I'm still going to replace that old cabinet with something a little larger and more stylish. I just loathe having to do it before we move into something larger. A nice two bedroom with air conditioning would be nice.

Jake's last day on his temp job was Friday. He did one interview with a friend of mine, but it's still iffy. I'm not counting on that one, so I hope he has more soon. At least he finally signed up for classes. I'm annoyed that he's still going parttime, though. *sigh* I just want to move on with my life to something better. I can wait 4 1/2 years to move, but that's it. I wish we had a Plan B.

I had a fight with Jake today. It's not anything new, just something that I don't want to deal with anymore. My first mistake was holding in my frustrations. I hate nagging and loathe dealing with someone moping. But after two years Jake should have been in college by now and on his way to getting a degree. So far all he's gotten is an SAT book that I bought. I talked with Kittyroze this weekend and she quickly Googled up info about what he needs to do. Instead of saying something I held it in. Jake is so talented and has so much potential. It's not like I think he's going to throw it all away. Rather, I just hate that he's not moving his ass to reach for his goals. Instead of telling him this I held it in until he fucked up (again) and didn't get groceries for lunch. Then I bitched. Now we're in a fight and it's just hanging out there... little things that add up. I keep thinking about our future and seeing it move farther and farther away. I don't have any biological clock ticking per say, but I made a promise to myself years ago that I wouldn't just stay in a relationship for years without moving forward. Here lies the problem: How do you move forward when you can't make any plans? I see myself with Jake when I'm old and grey... I just don't want to be old, grey and unmarried. *sigh*