None of them productive. It's sick, really. I've been wanting to play my sims but really haven't had the time to invest in doing anything. It's such a great stress reliever. I don't think about work, bills or any issues that I have rattling around in that dented brain of mine. The focus is on pixels. Simple yet amusing. My online focus has changed so much over the years. It went from casual surfing to webmaster on the go to posting everywhere else but on my forum. I spend my days looking for clothes and furniture for my sims game... and yet they are things I have yet to use. I have over 500 old outfits I want to convert to different meshes (they really need to work on the shoes) or body shapes and new outfits for NPCs/townies (sims the game comes with) I have yet to update with. I have countless clutter objects to place in the awesome house I have yet to find. Hair I will never use because I already have over a thousand styles to slowly look through. I even have a HUGE amount of Silent Hill/grungy looking objects for this awesome hood I have yet to create.

Meanwhile NCT has been neglected. Not enough to call the internets police on me... but yeah, I could be doing a lot more. I keep hoping for someone to pick up the slack and post new topics. Someone to inject some new life into the place. Yet all I've been getting is spam, members who only want to promote their site and LOL threads. I love the place, I really do. The people there are good hearted souls who like to have fun. I guess I long for the days when there were all sorts of threads popping up and my name wasn't on them. Threads that involved ideas and opinions... and weren't all political. There's so much to discuss in this world. *sigh* And yet here I am... posting it on my blog instead of there.

I'm really hating this endless title of girlfriend. I made promises to myself that I have ignored. I love Jake to pieces and would love to be with him forever... but that's if he's ready and even wants to. To me the biggest way to prove it would be a ring. After a while words get old. It's starting to feel like empty promises and I'm not happy about it. Last year he said we'd be engaged within a year. I made suggestions about how to save, sent him rings that I wanted and waited. And waited. And... yeah, you get the idea. So now I have people calling him my husband and it burns. I don't want to be the forever girlfriend. I don't want to count on promises after the first were broken. Now that he announced he's only saved a few hundred towards the ring and it will be sometime in 2009 I am feeling like it's never going to happen. He's had over a year to start saving and more time considering he said he wanted to when he moved in. To me it would make sense to save for something you wanted. It would also make sense to only promise what you can do. Now I'm feeling horrible and even worse... feeling like a nag for asking him about it. I shouldn't have to be the one to give him pointers on this. There are plenty of guys who can tell him how to save and where to go for rings. Besides the guys who say rings are bullshit, that is. Those guys can kiss my ass. :p

I'm sitting at my desk when I hear a noise. An... odd noise. Then my shoe feels funny. I look down and there's a HUGE rip about two inches wide all the way up the back of my leg. Luckily I'm wearing a long skirt... otherwise people would be blinded. After rummaging through my desk drawers I find a lone package of nylons. An OLD package. I cross my fingers that the elastic is still good and slink my way to the bathroom, walking like a true diva. Slightly leaning back so the skirt covers my leg. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I probably looked like a total retard. Huurrrr! You'll be happy to know that all is well and I won't be rolled into the ocean anytime soon. The nylons fit snugly, which means I'll be sitting proper for the rest of the day. Straight up with tits out... like the sexy bitch that I am.

This morning they had the weekly meeting with the AAs in my office. One of the coworkers who I like got verbally jumped about being slow with her duties. To be fair... she is slower than the rest. But she's also more thorough and the most pleasant to talk to. So of course I jumped in when I shouldn't have... which makes it look like I'm just sticking up for her. But whatever. Everyone offers something to their job. What the speedy demons add in speed they take away in customer service. *sigh*

So the server. Yeah... It's been choking on a big one lately. I have no idea why either. All I ask is that it not gork over the weekend so I can have an nice enjoyable weekend that doesn't involve volleying emails between my host and the people who maintain my server.

I may have big news but need to hold off sharing it. *smiles* Anyway, my birthday is tomorrow. Another year older, yet none the wiser. Yeppers, that just about sums it up!

I am gloating. It's a bad BAD thing to do... but I just can't help it. My boss called in sick today and she sounds bad. Like she's suffering. Like... she has the same shit that knocked me on my ass. I can't even pinch an ounce of pity for her either. All I can do is just sit here with a smirk on my face and think, "It's about fucking time".

Before you shake your head... I spent last night driving home and until I went to sleep in tears. Because of the recent car lawsuit (to be explained later) and other issues I've been pretty tight on finances. To the bone, so to speak. So this illness couldn't have come at a worse time. The last three days I was out it was without pay. My boss *could* okay my use of vacation time, but it's her choice. She chose not to. I have worked my ass off for her, staying after hours and working from home. She has called me on my days off and generally just been a bitch to me. Still... I've supported her. So her telling me 'I have to find out from HR' and then holding off on telling me until the end of the day (knowing I'd be upset) really put a bad taste in my mouth. She knows my financial situation. It's not because I've spent money on bullshit things. Now I'm weighing my options on how to get by until my taxes come in. The part that angers me the most is she made some sort of third person decision. "THEY said I had to stick to policy". Fuck you. I know the policy. It's the supervisor's discretion. So now Karma slapped her for being such a cow to me and my gloating pretty much means I need to do some serious good deeds to not get hit again. Does buying Girlscout cookies from little girls pass as a good deed?

Is a total pussy. He's nervous about going back to school. Mind you, he's been going to classes for the past few years. His class tonight? Spanish. It's a no brainer! He's been speaking/writing Spanish for years. The class is just the second level. The first one put him to sleep and made him a G-d among men to his fellow classmates. He would ramble off answers and they would gasp in amazement. I can't wait for him to realize his potential in life. He's so talented, so smart. He's got so much to offer and just can't grasp that simple concept. All he needs to do in life is just keep a positive outlook and just try. The rest is like breathing for him. Oh yeah, and pay the fucking bills.

People are so fucking stupid. Seriously. When the sun is coming up it's time to flip down the visor. How hard is that? Every morning I make the turn on the 405 South by Hughes Parkway and it comes to a halt. Not because of traffic either... but because every moron driving can't seem to get the grasp of pulling the visor down so they can see when the sun light limits the view. We make the next curve and traffic flies once again. This morning was particularly bad and traffic came to a stop. A pretty sudden one at that. I had to hit my breaks pretty hard, but not enough to panic. That's until I heard the screeching. I looked into the rearview mirror to see some bimbo with a terrified look on her face barreling down on me in her Nissan Sentra. I quickly looked to my left and thanked G-d there wasn't anyone in the carpool lane. I swerved just in time to see her come to a complete stop... beside me. Muther fucker. I was so busy swallowing my heart I couldn't even cuss her out. I was still shaking when I got to work. So yeah... I seriously am counting my blessings today.

Yeah, so I'm annoyed. Partly with myself for using the debit card instead of the credit card and shorting myself on the rent paycheck... and partly at Jake for somehow not mentioning that the reason he hasn't paid me for the last THREE paychecks is for school stuff that he didn't save up for and a dental bill I didn't know about. It's not like this is something new. And it's not like we haven't had the SAME FUCKING CONVERSATION about saving money over a gazillion times. Still... no money in the joint account and that leaves me using savings... AGAIN. This isn't even counting his teeth issue which will have to go on my credit card. He has yet to get more credit on his (don't even get me started there).

Am I wanting to get married too fast? I mean.. I'm ready. But I just don't see ANYTHING on his end that shows he is. Why should I be the one to ask about savings, bills and such? Why should I be the one to pay the bills and still manage to save for little extras? Why should I be the one to foot the bill for nights out, etc... I love him but I want a partner. An equal. I want someone to catch me if I fall. Right now I'd better have a pillow in hand because if I fall... it's going to hurt.

So many things to do... and such a big limit on the credit card. It's so tempting just to charge it all and pay off later. If we just got the floors, the paint, the tools the put them on and the A/C we'd be okay. That is... until the bill arrived. Then I'd have to come up with a way to pay it. I'm okay with it until Jake starts mentioning other things... then I start to worry. We need to write down a list of what we want in the order of need VS desire and the cost. Everything goes below his teeth, which are more important. I think the biggest issue is moving the idea into the reality phase. Telling me that starting a savings account is all good until three months later when nothing has been saved and we need to buy things. *sigh* Goals...

We've decided to rip out the old carpet and put wood floors down in our apartment. The carpet we have now is beyond nasty and I am at my wit's end trying to clean it. I've used deep cleaners and the water still turns black. After HOURS of cleaning I was finally told it was the layer underneath the carpet that disintigrated from being so old (the building was built in the 1950s). After Caufield and Kitty offered to help I decided it was time to make a change. Plus, seeing their new apartment made me dream of the day we can move into something bigger. I asked for the time off and we started to make a game plan. The only thing left is to find out if the manager says it will be okay. Before that we also have to find out if the place is going to be around for a while. Here comes the sob story....

A few months back the city building inspectors made their rounds and wrote up our building for a few small issues... and some big ones. They painted my bathroom, kitchen, the bedroom ceiling and even installed new outlets that were grounded. After the guy came through and gave us the okay the manager received a notice about the four apartments on the side of the building. Aparently they're illegal. Oh joy, oh rapture. A hearing date was set to decided what to do about them. I believe it was in July. Four apartments is a lot of money to lose if they decide against the building and my guess is the owner won't want to keep it. Considering all the nice new apartment buildings popping up around us our place could go for a pretty penny... and be torn down for something a LOT nicer. We can afford to move if we have to. We just won't be living as comfy as we are now. I'd rather stay at my current place (I literally pay HALF of what a new one bedroom costs) and save money for a house.

Yesterday I started calling my manager to see if the verdict was in and he had any idea of what was going to happen. I got his answering machine both times. Today... same thing. Now I'm getting antsy and have been robodialing his phone to see if he answers. So far... nothing. I don't want to leave a gazillion messages but it's getting a bit annoying. I'm also running out of excuses for making multiple calls. Pick up the damn phone already!!!! GAH!

Sideway Cam
Originally uploaded by j00wish

I want to go out and take more photos, but don't want to fill my page with random shots of birds and flowers. Then again, filling it with random shots of me at work isn't much better. I think it's time for another field trip! I still have to upload photos from my El Capitan outing and the San Diego zoo. Part of it is laziness on my part (resizing/sharpening/etc...) and then there's... Actually, it's just laziness. :/ I need to just get my ass in gear and start doing what I want. Part of my problem is my TV mentality. Everything's exciting for about a month, then I lose interest. The other part is only wanting to do things with JakeD. I want to travel, but only if he wants to. I want to start photographing, but only if he wants to join me. I know I need to do things on my own, but I'm in this 'share our lives' routine that makes everything else just sound boring. *sigh*

When I first started on the web I was a normal American internet surfer. I lived in my bubble where foreign news was a blip on the screen and nothing more. Two seconds of a statistic. A death count. Then on to fluffy kitties and children who did lame science projects. I was pro military, pro death penalty and everyone loved the US in my eyes. And why wouldn't they? After all, we had ALL the technology, the medical breakthroughs and good will donations. When I first saw anti-American sentiment I was shocked. How could they not like us? More and more negative comments came up and I chalked it up to ignorance. After all, they didn't know us. Then 9/11 hit and the world came flooding in. Slowly my eyes opened, REALLY opened, and I saw what other people saw. The bullying. The arrogance. The facade. Our media fed us Grade A American Born propaganda and we joyfully swallowed each bite. After all, we were the good guys.

Six years later I am still forming a more enlightened opinion of the world and our role in it. I support the military, but not it's actions. The death penalty isn't a deterrent... and is hard for me to support. My country... that's the hardest one. Someone asked me how I could love ground. That it made no sense. To them, the only place you should feel a sort of dedication to ends at your front door. I can understand his point, but I am not ready to make that change. I probably never will. For all our mistakes it's still a great place to live.

The hardest part for me is to read comments from people just starting on the web. The 'unenlightened' souls that swear the US of A is the best place to be and our military is nothing short of heroic. They beat their chests and swear we're the most powerful country and everyone else just needs to follow our lead and it will be okay. G-d help those who don't. One nation, ONE religion and everyone else is tolerated... but barely. Racism is okay when it's against those who are different. Our Constitution is just like the Bible... Unless the Bible has different ideas. The worst part is that they don't want to learn. They don't want to know how others feel. They just don't care.

One world. One life (seriously, shut up). One kind. Simple rules we all can follow with this in mind. I wonder if we'll ever get to the point of breaking down the walls that keep us from growing. If we can just get past the borders....

I was driving home spewing the usual curses that accompany a drive on the 405 when I stopped in mid curse. "Oh my fucking G-..." It hit me... I am so going to Hell just for my mouth alone. Then I thought about the judgment day, when your life passes before you and all your sins are played back to you. I figure at this rate G-d might get tired of the endless flow of profanity and let me slide just to not have to listen to it. Hey, it's worth a shot...

I shouldn't have done it. Why get excited about a job that you don't even know about? Yesterday my friend urged me to apply for an MSO position. I don't even know what the hell an MSO does. It's a big jump as far as positions go. Imagine walking up a flight of stairs and trying to step over four steps at a time. Yeppers, It's just like that. The worst part is that I wouldn't even want to be standing on that step in the first place. I've been wanting to move back to campus. Back to Westwood. Being out here is like the step child who lives out of the cellar. We're the afterthought of any UCLA celebration. Too far to go to any conference, too far to even join in on any parties. We get the party favors and stories of what went on, as if that's going to make it alright. A friend even referred to my location as 'the prison'. Sweat shop attitudes and minimal benefits.

This morning I called my friend to get her honest opinion of the position. Together we read the description and my heart sank. Even halfway through I knew I wasn't a good fit. So did she. After talking for a bit I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going anywhere soon. Right now I feel like I've been punched in the gut. What's stupid is that I shouldn't have even started down this path until I read the description. 'You'd be perfect for it' is a line I've heard a thousand times. Perfect for some of it, for the rest... not so much. One thing is for sure, I need to start actively looking. My job isn't horrible by any means. For the most part it's one of the better positions. I've grown so much here. When I started I was content with answering phones and stuffing envelopes. As the duties mounted I fought it the whole way. Suddenly I woke up and they didn't seem so bad. Maybe I grew mentally. One day you put down the dolls and see there is a whole world out there. Now I want something more. The journey continues...

Two hours to go before my weekend officially kicks off. Two hours before I jump into my car and sit in traffic. Two hours... and counting down. This weekend we're off to another fun California location. After three years of surgeries and injuries and sitting around I decided that 2007 was the year we started acting like a couple. No more weekends at home spent chatting online and playing games. At least, not the whole weekend. I want to travel. I want to have fun. I want to start taking photography lessons... and need to practice my shot. I've lived here all my life and there are so many things I haven't explored. No more putting stuff off. We may not make it to Europe for a while but we can at least travel within our means. California here we come! Next stop: Salvang!

Why do I *always* get bad news on a weekend when I can't do shit about it... except panic. I just got a letter from the IRS saying I owe $2899 in taxes. I have been getting my taxes done by the same guy for over ten years now and they decided to redo mine, saying there was a discrepancy. Now I can't get a hold of the CPA guy and I am at a loss as to what to do. Do I fight it? Do I just pay and pray it was a random check and they're not going to redo all of mine? I can pay the amount, but it *almost* wipes out my savings. If I get a loan I'd end up paying more than if I just paid myself back over time. Same amount of pain, but for less money. Oy. How the hell do I know that his itemized choices are wrong? GAH! I need a drink. NO... I need a COUPLE of them.

My body hates me. Just when I was starting to feel good about losing weight and buying clothes that actually compliment my body instead of just covering it I stop losing weight. What's worse is that I made the worst mistake and weighed myself at night. It said I gained four pounds. After hyperventilating and pitching a fit Jake peeked around the corner. Seeing that it was the scale my wrath was aiming at he cautiously asked what happened. I ranted. I raved. I... pouted. I swore off all sweets, breads and pasta. I went to bed... sulking. In the morning I peed and got back on the evil scale. Apparently I had four pounds of urine in me. I hadn't lost any weight... but I hadn't gained any either. I know people hit plateaus... I tried to ready myself for it. I reacted about the same as my first major dent in my car. Pitched a fit and paid dearly to have it fixed. unfortunately throwing money at my body won't will the weight off. It WILL get some odd looks from coworkers though.

I'm a bit of a mess right now. A dear friend died unexpectedly yesterday and I've been at a loss. She had a Grand Mal seizure while in the bath and drowned.

She had some mental problems and phobias that made her an outsider of many people. I just thought she was wonderful. She could light up a room with her giggle and her antics were a source of laughter to many. From teepeeing the inside of the house to blasting the Rocky Horror soundtrack while dancing around in her Time Warp boots. She also managed to get involved with some of the biggest losers, and many calls were about leaving him or getting back together with someone else. I tried my best to be supportive knowing that anything else would be a losing battle. Jenn Jenn was going to do what she wanted to do.

She called me the other week incoherent at about 5am. She left messages and I finally picked up and said I'd call her back. I tried getting a number but she told me 'you know it' hung up. It was the last time I would talk to her. It kills me that I never spoke to her again.

I've been talking to her aunt, which is comforting. I think it's good for her too. Last night I tried calling her parents and ended up calling her ex boyfriend instead. I spent twenty minutes listening to him scream, yell, cry and trying to console him. He said they were getting back together and she was at her mom's house getting ready to see him. He told me how much she spoke of me and that I was very important to her. It made me feel better and yet a little worse. In the end we don't always get the perfect last good byes and I have to accept that. I know she knows how much I care about her and it's going to have to be enough to help me move on.

I swear to G-d I am going to lock up the frig and cabinets with padlocks. Last night was the last night before I came back to work (and online life) after a four day mini vacation. Half for my birthday, half for my sanity. I pushed myself to go to bed and Jake decided to stay up. That's my first clue. When he finally came to bed sometime after midnight the sleep kicking began. AGAIN. Jake loves to snack right before bed. Unfortunately that usually makes him have funky dreams which make him restless. Last night he must have been dreaming he joined the Rockets. I'd wake him up and he'd go right back to kicking. By three AM he awoke me from a break up dream and I figured it was a sign. I grabbed my pillow and an extra blanket and headed for the couch. It's real comfy to sit on, but a killer if you lay down. Now I'm up with aches and pains from here to eternity and tired as hell. They're going to love my disposition at work.

What started out as a relaxing weekend ended up filled with drama. That friend who decided to post about my weight loss flipped his lid when my other friend (his ex-boyfriend) told him it upset me. While it bothered me I wasn't going to mention it. I know the drama would outweigh the request to remove it. And oh how the drama flowed. I was PM'd at least twelve times, each one saying a different variation of the same thing. I tried my best to nip it in the bud, which worked against me. Apparently he was dead set on having the last word, even if it was irrational and wrong. In the end I woke up to one final PM, and the message that he blocked me. This is third grade stuff here... but I am semi relieved. No more messages, no more accusations, no more 'you talk to him and not me' bullshit. I lost a friend... but gained control of my PM box again.

To the friend who blocked me: Thank you for all your kindness. You've helped me through some tough times. You've been kind to me and I harbor no ill will towards you. Good luck on your life and I hope you find the happiness you need.

/ end friendship

Oh my fucking G-d. Was yesterday 'let's drive the Red Rav4 driver bat shit day'? I left early to go to my doctor's appointment and managed to get behind every slow person driving in Los Angeles ALL the way to the office. I'd get behind a car and they would automatically start to crawl up the road. I'd swerve into the next lane... same shit. Within a mile I was edging up the road surrounded by a bunch of slow driving people who KNEW I wanted to pass. I tried the 'be cool and pretend it doesn't bother me' approach when the glanced over but my white knuckles told a different story. I could have landed planes with those babies. I was two blocks away from my turn when a HUGE truck pulled in front of me and went about two miles per hour. I swear to G-d I was hyperventilating by the time my street came up. There's no such thing as taking a drive in LA. It's called 'testing your willpower'.

Jake and I had a less than enjoyable weekend. We got into an argument over the usual stuff and I went to bed. That was Friday at 5:30pm. I woke up on Saturday still feeling the same and decided it was time to have a serious heart to heart. It started out with me asking him to look for an apartment and ended with him making (the same) promises to show he was serious about our relationship. School full time, savings for himself and paying me back for the car. We'll see. Needless to say, I haven't been in a blogging, chatting or just cheery mood. At the fact that we're still being sued for the car and our apartment is being held hostage by the handyman and I cannot WAIT for this to pass. Oh, and next month I turn forty. Fuck!

Way back in 2003 JakeD got into a car accident in my new car. He tried making a left turn in front of some chick speeding down the road in her brand spanking new BMW. For three years we've been trying to put the case behind us, but it hasn't been easy. The woman ended up being a nut case that wouldn't sign anything. At one point my car insurance had to hire a private detective to make sure she was getting the mail. I finally signed off on the thing so her insurance could get paid. When November passed we breathed a sigh of relief. The case was officially closed.

February 26th we get a call from some guy stating he wants to serve us. Apparently the bitch filed a suit on November 22nd (the day before it expired) and they were just getting around to giving us the papers. You can imagine how thrilled I was to hear this. I called the insurance company, who had to re-open the case and assign yet another adjuster. We were back at step one. Yesterday I called the insurance people after being notified of a court date in which no one showed. I panicked. They assured me we didn't have to. Apparently her attorney is similar and has yet to even tell them what she's suing for. So now it's in their hands and we just have to sit and wait. The ironic thing is this twit lives blocks from us. I have yet to venture out that way, but I can tell you it is tempting. If she starts claiming permanent injuries you bet your bottom dollar I'll be in front of her house with a camera in hand. All the people in LA... and he has to hit a psycho-chick.

Yet another installment of why old people shouldn't drive. I was searching for street parking the other day when an elderly woman signaled that she was leaving. I watched her slowly back her new Lexus into the BMW behind her, then slowly move forward till she hit the SUV in front. She backed into the BMW once more before pulling out and ending up on the other side of the street parked in a driveway. Thinking she might get out I waited, only to see her back into another car before slowly taking off. All I could do was laugh. This old biddy managed to hit three cars in less than one minute. And she was sober! I parked in her spot after looking to see if the other cars had any telltale signs of belonging to elderly people. I know I should have gotten her license plate, but I was too busy hoping she wouldn't smack my car while making her getaway.

I used to think that wisdom came with age. Now I know better. The only thing you can count on is wrinkles and a slower metabolism rate. I've grown a lot over the years. Love, friendship, finances... they all were hard lessons learned. But I DID learn from them. What I learned about myself is that you should never count on someone else to complete you. Never expect someone else to be the prince who takes you away from all this. Never depend on someone else to catch you when you fall. Sure, it's nice to have all those things, but you shouldn't live your life expecting it. Instead, take care of you. Feeling lonely? Don't bother looking for that special someone. You need to find yourself first. You want to get away? Start saving now, baby. Instead of hoping someone's going to catch you try making sure you have a safety net. A little caution saves a lot of broken bones (and hearts).

Anoyed. Grumpy. Not happy. Almost... Emo. *shudders* I want, I want, I want... and then there are the expectations. I've been lazy. I've been dependent. And most of this is aimed at my boyfriend of three years. It isn't happening. I don't feel secure. I'm writing in disjointed sentences like some first year poetry student. Bah!

Here's the deal. I've never been in a relationship over a year without thinking it was going somewhere. Why bother? You end up spending time with someone you're NOT going to marry and getting emotionally attached. My last relationship was a trainwreck. Good moments, bad ending. In the end it wasn't worth it for either of us. This one... I wanted to... I WANT to be it. I love Jake more than I've ever loved anyone. My sun rises and sets around him. I can't think of anytime throughout the day where he isn't on my mind, even if in a small way. There are a lot of things we could be doing better. We SHOULD be doing better. I need to work on me and he needs to work on himself. The problem is... right now we're not doing anything. If he were out on his own he would be fine. He'd learn to save, learn to get credit, start getting credit. He'd make choices he doesn't have to. Not with me here.

The drinking last night freaked me out. He ISN'T an alcoholic. He doesn't drink to excess and is a light weight when it comes to alcohol. I've got this hangup with drinking on work nights, which he did last night. When I asked him if he had been drinking he said no. Later on I asked again, adding "I know you wouldn't lie to me so I don't know why I'm asking" and he fessed up to doing it. My heart sank. It's silly. It's nothing. And yet right now it's just killing me. Oh and before you ask, I'm not due to PMS for another week and a half.

I want to move forward. I need to see something. ANYTHING that shows me he's ready for the next step in our relationship. Hell, that he even wants it. But it's not something you can ask for. If I have to ask then I already know the answer. I'm going to turn forty in two months and be single forever. *sigh* My G-d... this really is a midlife crisis.

Last night we were fast asleep when Phoebe decided to pounce on me. I was about to fuss when I noticed her looking attentively towards the window. Then I heard the noise. Some moron decided to get himself arrested at midnight on our street. The tow truck came in and noisily prepared to move their car onto it's flatbed. I woke up Jake to tell him and he mumbled that he hoped it was the guy with the sensitive car alarm and went back to sleep. Meanwhile the cats decided I was the hiding zone from the noise and kept me up.

I wanted to bitch about the noise, but what can you do? They have a job and happen to work the shift everyone else sleeps. I remember working nights and loathed my noisy neighbors during the day. I would sleep with a pillow over my head and even tried cotton in the ears. As I drifted back to sleep my last thought was ten minutes of inconvenience for me VS 8 hours for them. Fair trade to move a fucking vehicle.

It's that time of the year again. Time to start panicking about bills. Every year I do the same fucking thing. Come mid March my tax refunds come in and everything is hunky dory. I have extra money in the bank, bills are paid off and all is well in the Odessa/Jake household. A few years back I made some major computer upgrades with my refund and the money dissipated. But for the last two years I haven't done jack shit with it. Yet somehow the money still ends up gone by the new year. A few months back I decided to take a large chunk of it and put it into a online savings account. The interest rates blew my local bank out of the water so I couldn't resist. Still... I kept some in the checking for emergencies. No emergencies happened and here I am, panicking. I have money in savings. It's not like I'm down to the wire. But if I am ever going to move out of this shitty little apartment and into something nice I have to forget those accounts even exist. I think it's the idea that I can't just go out and buy something for two weeks. I can't pay any bills (except rent) and it's going to be tight. I worked hard not to live like that. It was something I did a long time ago and still cringe when I think about it. Robbing Peter to pay Paul and begging Mary for an extension.

My other issue is that I look to Jake and want to start grilling him on his finances. Truth is, I'm afraid I'll never move forward and it kills me to think about it. I don't want to live like this. I want to be comfortable. I'm not talking rich, just enough to be able to eat out when we like and buy a video. I want my sites to work. I want to travel. I want to see my friends in Georgia. Little things that are just out of my reach right now and it's killing me.

Then there are the big things. Marriage. I want a ring. A nice ring. My friend and I talked about this earlier in the week and she said that engagement rings are pointless. I disagreed. Not just on the traditional meaning of the ring, that it signifies commitment, but that it also proves he is able to save up for something he really wants. You save for what you want. No excuses, no 'next week'. If you want it then no one has to remind you to do it. I don't want to ask about if he's been saving up because any answer but 'yes' would kill me.

Money makes me crazy.

Yesterday was wrapping day at our house.

Number of presents to wrap: 1.
Number of times paper was pulled out to wrap: 4.
Number of times Phoebe dive bombed into the middle of the paper, ripping it to shreds: 3

I was sitting at the computer with Phoebe when her ears perked up and she took off down the hall like a bat out of hell. The next thing I hear is paper crumpling and Jake yelling, "G-d damn it!" She waltzed back out only to do it again. By the third time Jake learned to listen for her galloping and pulled the paper out of the way. I was no help, laughing and calling to her. I can't imagine wrapping any other gifts. If we have to I'm getting video of it. :D

I owe, I owe... so it's back to work I go. My first day back is today. Weeeee! Okay, so I'm not that enthused. I'm trying to be. After six weeks of recuperating from surgery, trying to eat again and finally starting to feel normal I would have loved to enjoy it just a little. This is the second time I've saved up vacation only to use it for surgery. Hopefully this will be the last.

Meanwhile... an eight dollar no heat bikini wax works about as well as it should. And by 'well' I mean 'like crap'. I managed to get sticky wax all over my bikini area, thighs, hands and arms before Jake came to the rescue. I swear it was like I had a seizure. Then I tried to pull the wax off. All it did was pull at my skin and give a 'natural' blush to match my face. Ten minutes later I managed to remove the rest of the wax with baby oil. The best part? Not one hair was removed. At least I know what to do if I need to interrogate someone. "Don't MAKE me get the Nair No Heat Bikini Waxer, man!"

I decided to take some extra time to purty myself up. You know, a 'me' day. I figured I'd save some money and do it myself instead of going to the salon. That was my first mistake. I spent extra time in the shower with some leave in conditioner and even did my nails. The result? Maaavolus....ly sad. My hair had some sort of frizz thing going on that made me look like a two dollar crack-ho and my nails... *sigh* I started the nails around 11AM. First coat was clear, then when that dried a second coat of Rose Amethyst (where do they think these names up?). After that dried I put on a third coat of RA. Around 2:30pm I finally put on the top clear coat and waited for it to dry. And waited... and waited. I worked on my hair again, putting some sort of oil in it to take out the frizz and managed to give it a shiny look. The last time I tried it I looked like that kid in your eighth grade math class that sat in the back and was teased about OPEC calling them to make a deal. This morning I woke up and stumbled into the bathroom to bush my teeth. I groggily looked down at my nails and almost choked on the toothpaste. They had the imprint of my sheets all over them. Sonofabitch! Now I have to try some sort of half-assed touch-up before I go to work. The meaning of the story: you get what you pay for.

I've really got the moving bug. This is bad. I know we can't move. It wouldn't be financially smart to move. Nonetheless I find myself looking at photos of peoples' homes on Flickr and thinking 'I could so be living there right now'. What's funny is I have no idea where 'there' is. For all I know there could be gangsters in the streets and crack hos on every corner. If I could move I'd live in "_________". Now all I need to do is fill in the blank. Oy.

Yesterday was a bad day. In the scheme of things it will be in the top ten bad days of my life. I spent half of it crying and half regrouping. I really can't even talk about what happened now. *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do and am waiting for a resolution before making any decisions. For now I'm going to drive my boyfriend crazy and probably hibernate.

I was driving to work yesterday morning and noticed a cop in the middle of the street directing the traffic. I swear its almost like conducting an orchestra. The little white gloves were mesmerizing. As I got closer it dawned on me... the lights were working. I glanced at the other lights... working. In my caffeine induced state I was tempted to point out this little detail but figured it was too early to get a ticket for being a smart ass. Weird...

Neil Kramer, where have you been all my (online) life? Citizen of the Month is a hilarious blog with just the right amount of Jewish humor that makes it a perfect daily read. His entry on Mel Gibson made made me feel so much better about the fiasco. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone who understands (but doesn't over react) about the sting of anti-Semitic remarks. Humor is the best medicine.

Sometimes I feel lonely without the Jewish connection. I don't go to Temple (I know... I know...) and none of my friends are Jewish. For once I'd like to go somewhere and not have people ask me, "So... What DO you eat? Porks out, right?" Oy... I feel worse than a diabetic cousin at a Candy convention. "We can order something special for you." I remember the year my friend dragged me to their family's cabin in the woods to celebrate Christmas. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring her to understand the statement "No one should be alone for Christmas. Not even a Jew!" didn't make any sense.

We arrived just in time for dinner. Everyone was already at the table waiting for the food. After announcing that she had invited her 'Jewish friend' to dinner we sat down. There's nothing like being the token Jew I tell ya. I looked over at some blackened meat and casually asked what it was. Her mother chirped, "Why it's Por... " and stopped. Suddenly all eyes were on me and you could hear a pin drop. I glanced around at everyone, who looked like the friday night movie stopped and Beastiality Fun Part Twelve started playing, and smiled. "I'll have the salad." With that her mother was running out of the room, yelling about finding something for me to eat. I wanted to die. I settled for a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, which I had to fight to eat. "Cream cheese and jelly? Didn't anyone bring peanut butter? Quick, go to the store!" After ten minutes they let me eat my 'weird' food while they ate theirs. That was the last time I went to someone's place for Christmas as a pity meal.

I have finally listed about 98% of my movies on DVD Spot. I still miss Guzzlefish, but oh well. I like how DVD Spot has an owned and wish list section. I finally have a list of the VHS I still need to buy as DVDs. I'm still going to replace that old cabinet with something a little larger and more stylish. I just loathe having to do it before we move into something larger. A nice two bedroom with air conditioning would be nice.

Jake's last day on his temp job was Friday. He did one interview with a friend of mine, but it's still iffy. I'm not counting on that one, so I hope he has more soon. At least he finally signed up for classes. I'm annoyed that he's still going parttime, though. *sigh* I just want to move on with my life to something better. I can wait 4 1/2 years to move, but that's it. I wish we had a Plan B.

Jake and I are taking a much needed vacation. We've got one week or sleeping in, staying up late, drinking and just enjoying each other's company. Here's $10.00 Go to the movies or something and call before you come home. ;)

Jake and I had a great weekend. We lounged around on Saturday and then went to my boss' house on Sunday for a party. I arrived to a house full of family and no other UCLA people. It made me feel really good. She introduced me as someone she works WITH instead of someone who works FOR her. Everyone was very kind. Jake and I spent most of the time talking to her uncle, who is an absolute doll. It was really nice to see her in a different atmosphere. She looked very happy.

We decided to take the scenic route home and drive through Kanan Road over to PCH. At one point we stopped to take pictures (which will be posted soon). The day was clear and a light breeze that made it heaven. The beach was almost empty which made it even more beautiful to drive through. I honestly didn't want the day to end. *smiles*

It's so good to be home. I had a blast in Texas but the novelty wore off on Friday. Which was fine except we were stuck there til Sunday. After deep thought and much consideration (and his mother pitching a fit over half a dozen times) we decided that if we move to Texas it will be AT LEAST an hour or two from his family. Close enough for emergencies and weekend trips (not every month, mind you), but far enough to ward off any daily visits or expectations of chores. That woman almost puts a Jewish mother to shame. I love her dearly but damn... My only defense was pure sarcasm. I'm surprised she didn't haul off and slap me. I still think she secretly hopes we'll break up so she'll have her son back. Here's just a few of the tantrums I thwarted.

Example one:
Jake's step dad, Wayne, says the word 'fucking' and his mom yells "Don't you cuss around the kids!" So I pipe up, "Yeah. What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She ended up laughing and he got a kick out of it.

Example two:
His mom tosses the top to some food platter to him in a huff to throw away and he crumbles it. She yells "'I don't want to hear ANY more noise!" I say, "Uhhh... can we breath, or is that too distracting to the cooking?" Wayne and Jake laughed while his mother simmered.

Example three:
She yelled about him getting the fucking bananas. So of course I said, "Will the non fucking ones do?" She hushed and Wayne said, "So which ones do you want?" She snapped "What do you mean?" and he said, "The fucking or non fucking ones?" We all started laughing so she basically just said whichever they have. I could swear I heard her jaw snap at that one, though

For the most part she mellowed after I said something. There wasn't much she could do but save face and laugh along. I know that we're going to have a brawl one of these days, though. I love her to death but that woman needs a stern talking to. She treats Jake like a kid and expects everyone to read her mind on what she wants. No matter what is done it's not good enough. Jake's dad is a nice guy, as long as you don't discuss politics, religion or homosexuality. Then the redneck kicks in and everyone gets their feelings hurt. *sigh* It's been so many years since I had to deal with 'family' and all their quirks it's like trying to ride a bike. Every time I get frustrated I look at Jake and realize why I'm dealing with it. *smiles* It's worth every pulled hair.

On to better things. So I ran up their outside stairs and fell through a rotted out step. Right up to my knee. The bad news is my foot and knee are bruised. I'm guessing just soft tissue damage. The good news is that it's not my knee that I had surgery on. I may not be graceful but at least I've mastered fucking up one leg at a time. Oh joy. Oh rapture.

We are Texas bound as of 6am on Wednesday. You know what that means? A 3am wake-up call and out the door by 3:20am. It hurts to even type that early of an hour. It's not morning until the sun hits the window in my book, so this is a night flight by my standards. If all goes well we should be touching ground at 11am. Just in time to crawl into bed for a nap. That is... after the hour and a half drive to hicksville. I can't wait to see all of Jake's family again and pump some Jewish blood back into that household. His mother was worried about what to cook for dinner. She thought I'd be offended if she served pork. As long as it doesn't hit my plate I'm good to go.

Some years ago a friend dragged me to her family's house, insisting that it wasn't healthy to spend holidays alone. Apparently sitting at the table while people treated you like a charity case was supposed to lift my spirits. So here I was, plate in hand for the main course. They brought out this funky looking charred meat and placed it infront of me. I asked what it was and the mother smiled and said it's Por.... ohhh noo. There I was, twelve people staring at me as if they had just served my dad's head on a platter. I smiled and said, "peanut butter and jelly it is." After three hours of apologies I couldn't wait to get my ass home. Needless to say I passed on future invites. If I wanted guilt on that scale I'd go to Temple.

Maybe it's a sign of age, but for the first year I am not in a race with the devil bills to see if I can get my tax refund before they overwhelme me. The extra bills I have aren't bank breaking and I am still doing good. The only *frivolous* purchases that really hit my checking account was the camera and extra memory stick for it. The plane tickets to visit :Jake:'s family for Thanks Giving was planned for (hops around the room excited). The only unexpected bill was Ginger's vet stay and I have a year to pay that off. I'm finally mature and all that. Go me!

My boyfriend still doesn't quite comprehend the whole 'Jewish American Princess' lifestyle. I tell him I'm going to paint my nails and he starts cleaning. I don't mind that at all except he expects me to actually JOIN IN and help. So of course I'm on my second coat and waiting for him to do the rest them to dry and he rolls out the vacuum cleaner. That's supposedly his way of saying 'your turn to get off of your lazy ass and clean. Now the waiting period begins to see if he'll do it before my nails dry. My stubbornness VS his.

EPILOG: I win! He's so going to kill me when he reads this...

Jake has moved up from sleep talking to sleep humping. I was sound asleep when I felt him wrap his arms around me in a spoon position to cuddle. All of the sudden he starts humping me really fast. I rolled over and saw him smiling, looking wide awake. I asked what the hell he was doing and he said something about making me happy. Then he laid his head down and closed his eyes. Freak...

Today was just such a horrible day. I am so glad that it's over with. I am going to crawl into bed and just pray tomorrow is over by the time I wake up.

My weekend flew by. I can basically sum it up by saying I slept in, played on the computer and then slept more. G-d I'm boring...

Everybody needs a break from the political and current events arena. My boyfriend is no exception. Today he got frustrated from all the crap people were spewing and deleted his mini blog account. Gone. Bye bye. Blank page. Then he told me what he did. I understand the temptation to just wipe the slate clean and walk away, but I always take a step back to think about something that final and usually find a happy medium that saves a lot of heart ache and searching for backup databases.

The clock hits 4:59PM and I grab my purse, go down the two elevators, get my car keys, drive towards home, call Jake, meet him halfway, go on our dinner date, drop by fish store and buy 4 new fish, stop by 7/11 for alcohol, pull into parking garage, set alarm, open door, throw off clothes and turn on computer. Let the long weekend begin!

I was driving home yesterday when the DJ on KROQ started talking about what he was going to do for the long weekend. I didn't even realize we had one coming up. Needless to say I was estatic. The best part is that I realized it mid week so it's not going to seem so far away. I almost called my boss to tell her, but figured she already knew and that would only make an ass out of myself. You know, the usual.

My first day back posting the rant for NoChickTrix and it was shit. I was so tired from tearing that tank apart on Sunday that Monday morning's rant was the last thing on my mind. It's hard to have any train of thought at 5:30am in the morning as it is. People tell me to try doing the rant the night before, but when I get home the last thing on my mind is doing anything work related. I wonder how some of these sites manage to turn out funny rants and levity on a daily basis. Jake says that it's all they do all day. Maybe they work on the 3rd floor of my work.:p

Weekends are like the nectar of G-ds to me. Ummm... I think. If G-ds had nectar that was really, really good. Anyway, I'm happy. :D

I've got a great boyfriend who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I've got a great group of friends that are never too busy to lend an ear. My job is much better and I've got all the comforts to make it a nice life to live in. So why am I sitting here feeling like something's wrong? I guess it's because I know what I COULD be doing with my life. No matter what I say, it always boils down to me making some changes that I'm not ready to make. I need to lose weight (who doesn't). But my back is fucked up from my knee and walking short distances locks it up. That brings me to my relationship. We don't do much. Part of it is that I can't do any walking. Then the finances come into play. Jake's job isn't going to become permanent, so we only have until December. Meanwhile he's still trying to become enrolled in school. I'm worried that he won't be able to afford books and whatnot, so I don't want to ask for more money on bills. He has been paying for some more, which helps me a great deal. My online life... well, it's changed a lot. I look at my forum now and wonder if it's ever going to pick up. It may need seem like an important aspect, but it's been a huge part of my life for the past four years.

Nothing too severe, just all the little things adding up and me not changing anything. The little things can get pretty big if you don't tend to them. I'm sitting here in the dark and wondering where to begin. Wondering WHEN I will begin.

Jake and I went to The Cheesecake Factory last night for dinner. The atmostphere was romantic, the food delicious and the waiters... Well they were hitting on my boyfriend. I don't mind it much. We get better service and the waiters are more friendly. When we got up to leave a waiter (who had never served us) leaned over towards Jake and said "You come back real soon." I could stay home and eat sandwiches for he cared... but the boy toy was his.

We need a second room. I got mad at Jake the other night and didn't even have a place to bitch about him in private. It's not like I don't tell him what I feel... but it's nice to have a place for some quiet time that doesn't involve flushing or rumpling the bed sheets. A second bathroom would be great too. I swear our bladders are in sync. We have to fight over who gets to pee first and who gets to stand at the door asking "Are you done yet?" While I'm at it I'd love a million dollars and a pony. :P

I hate being mean. I loathe it. Lately I feel like I'm being backed into a corner and the only way out is by extending my claws and going for the jugular. I love to meet people and chat. What I don't like is being used as an emotional wet-wipe. I met a couple of people who I have come to almost dread seeing online. Every conversation is the same. One guy needs reassuring that I still like like him as a friend every ten minutes and the other has to rehash how he's going to screw over his soon to be ex wife every time we talk. I need to get to the point where I just say, "I dont care" and block them.

When I talk to my best friend about it he says, "Just tell them to fuck off." Riiiiight. The part of me that I need to work on the most is also the part I always get complimented on. I'm called 'caring', 'supportive', 'sweet', etc... You'd think I was the newest item to roll off of the Hello Kitty line. Whenever I talk about these people my friend adds the 'overly' infront of those traits. I can't win for losing.

Lately I've been trying to distance myself from people who basically contact me to vent and then leave before I even say how my day was. Now I get to hear about how 'I've changed' before being asked if I still like them and if they've told me how they're going to fuck over the cheating cunt. Go me...

I don't want to hear ANY whining, bitching, moaning or fussing today. I just want to relax, play my game for a bit and then enjoy a nice dinner with Jake at Houstons *drool*.

Here's the flowers I woke up to this morning:

Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer when this huge bug flies onto it. It's wings are almost as long as my index finger. At the time I was chatting with Bane on skype... so of course I yelled into his ear, jumped up and told Jake to kill it. He starts bitching about how it was tiny... never mind that when he saw a PICTURE of a snake on the screen he screamed like a little girl. I told Audie about it and she decides to be evil and send him a renamed photo of a snake.

Audie: i heard Diva keeps sending you snake pics.....so here is a nicer pic so you wont have to scream.....

*** Jake has received bunnies.jpg.

Jake: I'LL KILL YOU BOTH

Then he asks me to come over and click the picture off... And he calls me wimpy. :P

I am sick. I am on meds. I HAVE to go to work on Monday... and yet I feel guilty about calling off a lunch date. A chick that I used to work with moved across the country to get away from whatever. Now she's miserable in another part of the state. I hung out with her a couple of times, but do not consider her a friend by any means. She's more like another lost soul that I tried to help find some happiness. Some people find lost puppies... I find lost people. Anyway, she decides to come to California for a couple of days and meet up with people. My other coworker aparently ditched her and now she's expecting me to meet her for lunch. Did I mention that I'm sick? We're not talking flu here, we're talking pneumonia in the making. The last thing I wan't to do is leave this house and sit in some booth hacking, coughing and blowing my nose. I am not a pretty sight. The term 'death warmed over' comes to mind when I look in the mirror. I'm... I'm whining. Maybe if I whine enough she will call it off herself. Fuck it... I'm going back to bed.

I figured I'd get everyone up to speed on who I am and why I'm doing this. I was born and raised in sunny California. My dad wanted more children and so he adopted me. My new mother hated me, and so the story begins. I had the typical traumatic childhood, losing my dad at age thirteen. I have never blamed any past events on my current mental status... Let's face it, as an adult you can pretty much surmount anything you choose to.

I became an emancipated minor and lived on my own at 13. I looked older which helped me in two areas... Getting jobs and older men. I was a pediphile's dream, but smart enough not to fall victim. More traumas, blah blah... and somewhere in between I managed to find myself and get out on the other side into adulthood.

I was a late bloomer on the web. REALLY late. I found it in late 2000, but brushed it off as a means to get info. Then it happened. My friend sent me a link to a gore site. My stomach flipped. I urped. I clicked on their links. I went from taking headers in the cyber waves to actually surfing. After reading through a few personal sites I would never be the same. The reason: Pr0n. Oh yeah! People were flashing their stuff all over the web and I was enjoying every minute of it. I somehow missed the whole AOLer chat phenominom, which is a good thing.

After reading through people's personal websites I decided to start my own. It was April 2001. I typed up a rant and threw that baby up. Imagine my surprise... and horror to see the words all over the place. I had never heard of HTML, much less used it. I spent the next three days in tears, trying to learn what to do. NoChickTrix.com was born and I've never looked back.

So why start a blog if you have a site? Simple... okay, not so simple. NCT has grown into a wonderful community. When I think of NCT I think of a great group of people who post on one of the best forums around. It's read by my friends, coworkers and countless people searching for porn. Lately I've been feeling disillusioned. I wanted something that was JUST me. No links, no porn, no holding back. The result is what you are reading now... if you haven't clicked off, that is.

I would like to thank Bane for putting up with my whining and creating a beautiful layout; and Jake for putting up with my fits and courageously entering the bedroom when I was having one of the worst PMS episodes since Lorena Bobbitt to console me. I love you both.

Let the journey begi... *looks up* Damn, that's a long fucking po... er... begin.