I've decided to get my hair cut again. I let it grow for a little bit to see if I could find another style to try out. So far nothing. I like the short hairstyle but the upkeep is expensive. I'm not about to go slumming it at Super Cuts. I might as well give some scissors to one of my nieces and tell them to have at it. They'd probably do a better job.

Jake has been fighting a losing battle with a head cold lately. He's so good at eating healthy that it's got to be something really bad to knock him off his feet. That makes me nervous. If it did that to him I can only imagine how I'm going to react. Needless to say I've been trying to stay away from him. We've got so many things planned this weekend I am hoping he's able to kick it by then. *sigh*

Work has managed to pick up some speed, which is nice. Yesterday I had yet another issue with the new gal. I was talking to her about a case and she decided to jump in and start making calls. Never mind that I had it completely under control. She dials the guy's number before I can say stop and I pitched a major fit. Then she hands the phone to me. After a brief conversation I attempted to tell her that I was in control of the situation and was not in need of any help. She announces it's her job. I shoot back with something along the lines of "Nuh Uh!" but more professional-like. I also added that we're equal job level wise. She snaps at me that 'She doesn't think so. She's over me'. Instead of flipping out verbally (facial expression-wise I was beyond that) I emailed a friend who is over her for advice. Instead of responding to me I am assuming she sent her an email directly. I get back from a break only to hear her say, "I owe you an apology." I responded with a chipper, "Oh really?" only to hear her explain that an email magically arrived from a meeting she had a week ago that clarified she and I were equal. We both have separate duties and ne'er the two shall meet... unless she needs help or visa versa. I wanted to do an "IN YOUR FACE" dance, complete with pointing and a really loud manly yell. Instead I smiled and said that I was glad THAT was cleared up and she added that now we could get back to doing work. I feel bad for her to a point. She was thrown into a position that she didn't want with next to no real explanation of what her duties were. She said that the fifteen minute conversation she had with our boss the day she arrived was the most she had heard. She also complained that she was never given a job description. I agreed that it was a shitty situation all around but that I was very comfortable working with her (youseewhatIdidthere?) and that we were going to work very well together. Then I lowered my head below the monitor screen and snickered quietly to myself.

Lately I've been thinking about what I want out of life. I want to be married. I'm tired of being 'the girlfriend'. I have friends call Jake my husband and I have to correct them. The thing is... I don't want to. We've been together for over five years, which is beyond girlfriend years in my book. I want to live in a house. Hell... I'd settle for a bigger apartment at this point. I know it will be a while but it's a goal I want to put on the table. Moving. Oh man... I would kill to move away. Out of California would be best, but even somewhere less city-like. I enjoy having stores close by but would love to have a little breathing room between buildings. When Jake and I drove up to San Francisco I was so happy. We were together enjoying each other and a different surrounding. The green grass, the cleaner air... it was just so nice. The city is convenient... but sometimes a little drive is worth it. I'd rather live some where that I could enjoy and make a trip out of dinner than dodging a million shitty drivers while hopping over to the closest diner. I also miss our date nights. To be fair it's been so hectic I understand us putting it on hiatus. But now it would be nice to just snuggle together while watching a movie or just eat together. Again, it's been hectic... but we promised to stop and take some time out. I think it's really important. Now that the big trip is over and we've got some time on our hands it's something I want to get back into. I'm just so glad we're finally getting back into the groove of things. I really missed 'us'. Did I mention I'm PMSing?

Jake is on his way to Texas right now and I feel lost. His grandma had a stroke last week and bled into her brain. He left at 3:50am to try and see her before she died... but wasn't able to. She died while he was in the air. Now I have the person I love most in the world hurting and can't comfort him. I can't hold him, console him or just be with him. I hate that I am unable to be there for his family. I hate that all I can do is reassure him over the phone and via text messages. Now he'll have to deal with the 'What ifs' and I can't even rationalize it. You can tell someone that they know how much you loved them til the cows come home... it doesn't help when all you can think about is what else you could have done.

I'll be alone until Saturday, which is going to be hard. I'm so used to having him beside me at night and there to talk to throughout the morning and evening. I'm just grateful to have friends to support us and be there during this time. I think I'd be climbing the walls if it weren't for them.

Or something like that. Lately I've been questioning my choice of careers. By 'career' I mean job. And by 'job' I mean miserable place that pays me to be miserable there. Yeah, so anyway... I've been wanting to change my career. This would require actually going back to school, which terrifies me. I haven't studied, taken a test (outside of the usual 'Which Firefly Character Are You' type quizzes) or even read a book in a long time. The idea of actually being expected to do homework makes my stomach churn. I used to love school. I also used to love Twinkies...

The career course I took years ago gave me three optimum fields: Teaching, Beautician or Forrest Ranger. I kid you not. Years later I am still wondering why my career tests placed me in fields with high hats, hair products and drama. It's like I'm not quite good enough for the modeling field. There are so many fields I'd be interested in. So many that require years of school. I'd be retired before I graduated. I think I'd rather slit my wrists (down the block, not across the street) than be one of those old biddies on the tail end of a news broadcast hobbling down the aisle to grasp their diploma with arthritis ridden hands and then throw out my back trying to toss the cap.

I have no internet connection. *cries* Here's my saga...

Last week I called my DSL/Cell phone/telephone company about my bill. $200 a month was just too much with everything going on, especially when $70 of it was to my telephone line, which I never use. After talking to a guy who told me I should be getting some Triple Freedom discount for using all their products I mentioned that my DSL plan was still on the 768kb download speed and I hated how I couldn't get a faster speed. "Of course you can!" said the cheerful employee. "You can get 3mb on a newer relay." Heart be still... And since I was on the OLD DSL setup I was only able to get the Double Freedom discount (whatever) but they could switch me over and all would be better. Of course, there would be a three to five day downtime of internet access... *choke* From that point on it has been a complete nightmare. Here's the timeline of errors for posterity:

6/15/07:

* I spoke with a nice guy who said I would be able to get a Triple bundle discount if I upgraded my DSL from the Relay Frame (old kind) to the ATM Frame (newer kind). I said sign me up! And he transfered me to the DSL section. Only downside: 3 to 5 days without connection

* I end up in the Philippines. Another nice guy listens to what I want and says he will put in the order. They will send me a new modem (for free) since mine is ancient and I will get a call the next day about my order. He says no downtime is involved.

* I get home and a nice gal from tech support says she checked the line and doesn't see the problem I reported. I explain the situation and she says to call tech support and make sure the order is still on.

* I call Tech support and a nice guy says all is well and to expect a call tomorrow. Yippee!

* No call happens.

06/19/07:

* I call the DSL department and talk to a so so guy who tries talking me out of getting the upgrade. At least a week of down time, closing account and opening new one, blah blah... If you're happy with the speed stick with it. Oh, and no order was placed.

* I say fuck that but ask to be transfered to tech support anyway. I end up in India. Some nice woman with a shitty connection reads from a script and puts me on hold for 3 minutes/4 minutes/eight minutes for each question asked. I finally ask to speak to the person she's asking the questions to. She hurries me off the line, saying the order has been placed and that someone will call me to answer all my questions. I try to explain that I don't want ANYTHING done until I find out what the realistic downtime will be and she tells me someone else will tell me. She hangs up.

06/20/07:

* A nice guy who's local calls me to ask what the line problem is and I bite my tongue. I tell him the WHOLE story and he says I won't have any downtime, but I also won't have a faster service without ordering it. The only plus is that I can have the option to get a faster service on the new system. After explaining the way it works he tells me he has to call me back in about ten minutes because he is having some problems with ordering the new modem. I cheerfully say 'no problem!'

* Ten minutes later the guy calls back to say he can't order it. I can either order it through Verizon or on my own. Afterwards I can be changed. I was NOT amused. I politely (while gritting my teeth) say I think that it should be on them since EVERYONE has said I could get the modem and he asks for a day to work on it. After offering to call customer service and complain he talks me into waiting til tomorrow.

Again... I am NOT amused.

06/21/07:

* IT guy calls back to say that he will be able to send the new modem to me for free... but he doesn't know when. Aparently there's some problem with their system, blah blah blah... and he'll call me back once it's ordered.

* IT guy calls to let me know that the modem is on the way! Then he asks if the PO Box is okay for them to send it to... I say, "It depends. How are you sending it? UPS won't deliver to a PO Box." "I'll have to call you back." *screams*

* ...*siiiiigh* I get home and there is NO internet connection. I call the tech department and get some guy in India who tells me he has to look through the script even though I tell him the answer won't be on there. Then he puts me on hold to ask someone. Eight minutes later he tells me he's still asking and I ask to speak to a supervisor. TWELVE minutes later the only jerky guy I've ever spoken to at Verizon answers. He's stand offish and simply says, 'Yep, they changed it over. Yes, there is a note saying to wait until the 27th. I guess they just ignored it. You'll just have to wait until Tuesday for the modem. You can call billing tomorrow about temporary dial up, but they're closed now'. When I tell him that's unacceptable because we start online classes THIS WEEK he says, 'Tell the teacher Verizon says we're sorry'. Rather than explode I opted to say, 'Oh, this phone call needs to end NOW.' He started to read off the Verizon script then stopped and simply told me to have a nice night. I had my fill. I sat and cried for a good thirty minutes before calling friends for advice.

06/22/2007:

* I call Verizon and push the the first tier of tech support to the dial up section. After giving me all the info he starts to walk me through the set up. That's when I learn I don't have a fucking Ethernet connection. ARGH!!!!! Now I have to buy one and then call back. I also was transfered to the Complaint department where a nice lady listened to my saga and said someone from corporate would be calling me back within four hours (after they open). We'll see...

* I spoke with a woman from the Complaint Department, who was really nice, and I *may* be on my way to being online again. Here's the catch: I have to go out and buy a modem (and they'll reimburse me) or wait until Monday for it to be sent via Next Day Delivery. Apparently the one that was ordered before went into a hold bin because they were trying to send it via UPS to my PO Box. The woman was VERY empathetic and said she would help me until it was finished. She said they would also address the unprofessional comment that the supervisor said. Of course there's always a catch... Best Buy didn't have the Modem they suggested and the Verizon store said that while they have it they can't check to see if they can bill me until I get there. Yeah, fun times... So now I have to leave work 1/2 hour earlier to drive to the store, get the DSL and then call the woman back. After that I have to try and install it before 4:30pm so I can go and pick up JakeD for our movie night.

I had better be able to notice a difference after all this. Fuckers...

Anoyed. Grumpy. Not happy. Almost... Emo. *shudders* I want, I want, I want... and then there are the expectations. I've been lazy. I've been dependent. And most of this is aimed at my boyfriend of three years. It isn't happening. I don't feel secure. I'm writing in disjointed sentences like some first year poetry student. Bah!

Here's the deal. I've never been in a relationship over a year without thinking it was going somewhere. Why bother? You end up spending time with someone you're NOT going to marry and getting emotionally attached. My last relationship was a trainwreck. Good moments, bad ending. In the end it wasn't worth it for either of us. This one... I wanted to... I WANT to be it. I love Jake more than I've ever loved anyone. My sun rises and sets around him. I can't think of anytime throughout the day where he isn't on my mind, even if in a small way. There are a lot of things we could be doing better. We SHOULD be doing better. I need to work on me and he needs to work on himself. The problem is... right now we're not doing anything. If he were out on his own he would be fine. He'd learn to save, learn to get credit, start getting credit. He'd make choices he doesn't have to. Not with me here.

The drinking last night freaked me out. He ISN'T an alcoholic. He doesn't drink to excess and is a light weight when it comes to alcohol. I've got this hangup with drinking on work nights, which he did last night. When I asked him if he had been drinking he said no. Later on I asked again, adding "I know you wouldn't lie to me so I don't know why I'm asking" and he fessed up to doing it. My heart sank. It's silly. It's nothing. And yet right now it's just killing me. Oh and before you ask, I'm not due to PMS for another week and a half.

I want to move forward. I need to see something. ANYTHING that shows me he's ready for the next step in our relationship. Hell, that he even wants it. But it's not something you can ask for. If I have to ask then I already know the answer. I'm going to turn forty in two months and be single forever. *sigh* My G-d... this really is a midlife crisis.