I don't know why, but I keep feeling like I have to whisper about my new job. I should be standing on my chair and shouting it to the heavens... but instead I've been pulling people aside and quietly letting them know. Part of me doesn't want to rub it in too much. There's going to be some problems right after I go... especially with those who never managed to get their work done and I picked up the slack (without telling the boss). Why start another fight that will end up being my fault? I'd rather just get the job done and have my reports ready on time. A quick fix that ultimately created a lazy attitude. I'm sure I'll be more vocal about my job as it nears. Right now I have to get my ass in gear and update report instructions, create other report instructions, and basically deal with my boss trying to follow the instructions. Yeah, that's going to be fun. NOT.

Or... as I sent to everyone on AIM: "I GOT THE FUCKING JOB!!!!!!! OMG!" I spent the day fretting about what to do. I haven't heard from the people who interviewed me and I was torn between contacting them or waiting. Half of my friends said to do it, the other half said to wait. After some goading from the 'DO IT' camp I shot off an email and held my breath. Within a minute the phone rang. They offered me the job and said they'd work with my boss on the end date. Formally it's one month. But they would understand if she needed me a bit longer. I agreed and we joked around a bit. I couldn't tell you anything she said after that. All I kept thinking was that they wanted me and I'm finally out of here. FINALLY. Now to write a formal resignation letter that doesn't have the words "Fuck you" anywhere in them. It's tougher than I thought...

Every time my phone rings my heart beats a little faster. Every time it's NOT the call I'm waiting for my heart aches a little more. My boss said when she asked if they knew when a decision would be made the answer was 'probably sometime this afternoon'. That was Monday. I realize that decision doesn't equal phone call... but then again maybe it does. I've slipped and told others about my possible new job, including the lazy coworker who I can't stand. If it falls through then I'll feel even more of a failure. My boss will probably be supportive for about an hour... then ride my ass like it's the World Series for Rodeos. I can also see her start the 'let's see what you're doing wrong so we (meaning she) can fix it. And by wrong I mean everything I do. And by fix it I mean critique everything from my style to my breathing. I called my friend this morning and she said I sounded like a nervous wreck. She's right. It's one thing to apply for a job and not get it. It's quite another for everyone to know you didn't get it. Especially since I would go from 'top candidate' to loser in the time it takes to make a courtesy phone call... or open a dear Jane letter. So now I'm left waiting and wanting to know, and that's the worst part. I want them to be sure I'm right for the position. I want them to have confidence that they chose the best person. As long as it's me....

Two weeks before my birthday I was joking around with a coworker. We were complaining about my boss and her behavior (apparently she has a reputation throughout the hospital). I shot off a 'so find me a job' comment and she fired back with 'I will'. I said I wasn't kidding and she said either was she. Two days later she said she knew about a position that would be 'perfect' for me, but needed to talk to the director about it. A few days after that she said she emailed the person in charge of the job. She said, "Here's the thing. Originally they said they had someone in mind already. The next morning they called me and said that if you were really interested to call or page them." I was so nervous I could scream. After freaking out to Cat and Jake I sent off a friendly email saying I'd love to talk to them about the position. Then I waited. And waited.My friend said the person got my email and 'nearly jumped out of her chair with excitement'. That's a good sign...

Friday, the day before my birthday, I got the call. Let's meet on Monday. Figures... the day I took off to take my car in. I happily agreed and the timeline started. Again I panicked and asked Cat, Jake and Pattie for help on my resume. I hadn't written one in almost ten years. I was beyond nervous. This was such a huge step for me and I had dick prepared for it. After several drafts I finally had one I was happy with... just in time for them to ask me if I had one. Thank goodness for the kindness of friends.

Monday came and I managed to get my car back just in time. It felt so good to be back at UCLA. I ran into a few people who recognized me and made my way up to the office. I was dressed to the nines. They ended up being in casual wear. Heh. The interview lasted over an hour and a half. They loved my resume (thank you Pattie, Cat and Jake!) and even said things like "You used the word 'problem solver' which I really like, so I'm going to use it here". I walked out feeling good. Nervous, but good. The job sounds like a dream come true. It's being created as we speak, so I'll set the rules instead of trying to follow rules that may or may not have been changed by previous people. The only not so cool part is that my hours will be until 7pm at first. Once they see if the workload is slow (or they are able to hire new people) I will be able to have an earlier shift. No more Assistant to anyone. Dude... That alone is a dream come true. The difference between being an assistant to someone and having a supervisor is like day and night. As in sucking balls VS having them slapped across your face.

After a week went by the process started rolling. I got a call saying "You're one of the top candidates" and they were going to call references. Last Friday I got the call saying I was "the TOP candidate", and we needed to speak to your boss. My heart started racing. My hands were shaking. They said to let them know when they could call her after I let her know. My boss came back from a meeting and I made my way into her office. People couldn't understand why I was so nervous. To me, it was like I was breaking up with her. We had spent almost ten years together. We had many bad times, but there were many good ones too. And this job really molded me. I changed so much from when I first started. Some good, some bad. I was pushed into a position that I didn't want for a person I didn't enjoy working with. I learned to create graphs (ha ha), different reports and help manage a department. There was a lot of responsibility placed on me and I was up to the task. But there were bad parts too. My friend Michi said my boss was breaking me. Making me feel as if I wasn't worthy of doing a good job. She's right. I felt like they wouldn't want me when in fact I should feel like I needed to decide if I wanted them. Twenty years experience is nothing to sneeze at. And it's twenty years of growing, not just showing up at the job. But my boss was good at making people feel like they were failing. Any choice was the wrong one. I needed to grow a pair and move up.

My meeting went well. She was happy for me and even shook my hand. She said that if she could find a job closer to home without losing a big chunk of her salary she'd do so in a minute. She also looked sad. It was like we were coming to the end of something and both having to deal with it in different ways. I explained that I wouldn't go until the new hospital was running (whenever the hell that is) and I would do reports for her from home when needed. She said she'd give me a glowing review and with that I walked out of her office, hands shaking and waiting to hear when they'd call. So now everyone is talking about my 'new job' and all I can say is that I won't call it that until they actually tell me I have it. For now I'm the 'top candidate'. For now....