None of them productive. It's sick, really. I've been wanting to play my sims but really haven't had the time to invest in doing anything. It's such a great stress reliever. I don't think about work, bills or any issues that I have rattling around in that dented brain of mine. The focus is on pixels. Simple yet amusing. My online focus has changed so much over the years. It went from casual surfing to webmaster on the go to posting everywhere else but on my forum. I spend my days looking for clothes and furniture for my sims game... and yet they are things I have yet to use. I have over 500 old outfits I want to convert to different meshes (they really need to work on the shoes) or body shapes and new outfits for NPCs/townies (sims the game comes with) I have yet to update with. I have countless clutter objects to place in the awesome house I have yet to find. Hair I will never use because I already have over a thousand styles to slowly look through. I even have a HUGE amount of Silent Hill/grungy looking objects for this awesome hood I have yet to create.

Meanwhile NCT has been neglected. Not enough to call the internets police on me... but yeah, I could be doing a lot more. I keep hoping for someone to pick up the slack and post new topics. Someone to inject some new life into the place. Yet all I've been getting is spam, members who only want to promote their site and LOL threads. I love the place, I really do. The people there are good hearted souls who like to have fun. I guess I long for the days when there were all sorts of threads popping up and my name wasn't on them. Threads that involved ideas and opinions... and weren't all political. There's so much to discuss in this world. *sigh* And yet here I am... posting it on my blog instead of there.

This morning they had the weekly meeting with the AAs in my office. One of the coworkers who I like got verbally jumped about being slow with her duties. To be fair... she is slower than the rest. But she's also more thorough and the most pleasant to talk to. So of course I jumped in when I shouldn't have... which makes it look like I'm just sticking up for her. But whatever. Everyone offers something to their job. What the speedy demons add in speed they take away in customer service. *sigh*

So the server. Yeah... It's been choking on a big one lately. I have no idea why either. All I ask is that it not gork over the weekend so I can have an nice enjoyable weekend that doesn't involve volleying emails between my host and the people who maintain my server.

I may have big news but need to hold off sharing it. *smiles* Anyway, my birthday is tomorrow. Another year older, yet none the wiser. Yeppers, that just about sums it up!

Yeah, so yesterday sucked major donkey balls. Hairy, sweaty, infested donkey balls. My server decided to take a nap and I had no idea what to do. I spent twelve hours trying to work with two different support options (and a wonderful woman who sent me to her friends for help) only to go to bed without the email part resolved. This morning I clicked some random "Manage email" button and got slammed with over 1,111 emails. At least the damn thing is working. Part of me wants to know what happened so it doesn't happen again. The other half wants to burn yesterday from my memory and never revist it again. So far the latter is winning.

In other news I tried Second Life and hated it. The characters are nothing compared to Sims and they walk like there's an umbrella up their ass.... open. The best part about this game is watching Zack and his molester midget character. At one point Reli took us to get some free clothing/hair/etc... I'm looking through the free outfits and Zack flies in on a pink dildo. Then he turned into the Kool-Aid guy and it really got weird. I think I had a dream like this...

Let's try this again, shall we? I tried discussing this on the main site and became THOROUGHLY frustrated. Part of which is my PMS. The other part is that I just wanted to talk about something that was on my mind. You know... ON MY FUCKING BOARD. Yeah, so anyway...

Religion has always been a touchy subject for people. Most are happy with their (non) beliefs and have no interest in discussing anything that may rock the boat. Anytime I try discussing religion it's from a Jewish standpoint which immediately puts people on the defensive. I guess I can respect that... even though it's not my intention. I love to learn about other religions. Other lifestyles. Other everything. I want to understand where someone is coming from. It's easier to walk in someone's shoes for a mile if you actually know what they look like.

I miss my one friend at work who used to discuss religion with me. That's all I had. ONE person who felt comfortable enough in their religion (Catholic) to discuss it as a whole. Now the people I know are either agnostic or atheist. Any discussion is slapped with a 'that's why I don't believe' answer. Sometimes I want MORE than that. I want to understand.

The preacher guy from Obama's camp made some statements that seem very unbecoming of a preacher. While I understand that we are human, he is supposed to be able to guide people. That's his job... moral guidance. How can you guide someone with blasphemy and racial dividing? How can you teach about higher powers when your statements are about what consumes you on earth? Wright isn't the only one. Hell, his statements are mild compared to some of the other people. Fallwell blames homosexuality for 9/11. He preaches like G-d has some special place in his heart for America. Again, they seem to think G-d blessed our borders personally and the rest of the world can go fuck off. Just because man placed the word "G-d" on their currency doesn't mean we own him.

Once again I'm sitting in a place where I have questions with no answers. No explanations. No condemnations. The only thing I have is frustration from sharing a personal thought. Religion shouldn't be a scary thing to discuss on it's points. It shouldn't be a war causing, enemy making, blood spilling conversation. Should it?

Since Jennafer's death I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. From losing her to dealing with her ex boyfriends who seem to think showing up on NoChickTrix and proclaiming their love is a good thing to do. If she were alive they would not have dared invade her special place. More importantly they've tried to make NCT into some sort of Jennafer Shrine for their own amusement. At first I was too crushed to do anything about it. But I've slowly come to terms with her death and decided that I won't let people who hurt her while she was alive suddenly claim to only have her best interest in death.

The thing about posting your thoughts on the web is that people read them. It's all fine and dandy until the person you've tried to be civil with on the phone reads your thoughts about him on the web. To my defense I had no desire in a pissing match over something that happened before and would change nothing. Jennafer is dead. One let her down and broke her heart by getting hooked on crack, the other hit her and terrified her. Now I'm left trying to shoo them out the door and keep a civil tone while not breaking down from being reminded of my loss. In the midst of this I am trying to strike up a friendship with her aunt, who seems like a lovely lady who brought happiness to her. The drama never stops I guess. I dodge it, duck from it and run from it... but somehow it seems to stick like gum on a hot day to the bottom of my shoe.

What's up with all the drama? Is it the religious holidays or just that time of the month? Either way my patience is wearing thin... REAL thin. Some woman semi-stalks my friend who was married to her ex husband (a complete loser) for a short while and now I have to deal with possibly booting her ass. Meanwhile the woman decides to show up on NoChickTrix while my friend is off having a great time on her honeymoon. I'm going to have to cool my heels until she returns, which I am horrible at doing. I just want to get this over with before it gets stupid.

Update: Okay, so my PMS got the bet of me and I seemed to have had a raging bitch-fest. The woman was nice enough not to post until my friend returned so it's all good. Gah! I should just take PMS weeks off.

This weekend was a blast. We spent ALL day hanging out with Audie and chatting. I chose The Cheesecake Factory for it's good food and nice atmosphere. I didn't factor in the parking though. $20 bucks later we were finally allowed to leave. Oy.

It was nice to finally meet some of the people we've been chatting with online. I've only met a handful so far (which includes Jake ) so I am hoping this is the start of meeting more NCTers. The biggest problem is trying to get to a spot where we can meet. Most of my friends are out of state or the country. A day trip to New York is out of the question, so I guess we'll have to wait a while before seeing others.

My only disappointment was that the waiter took the pictures and mine came out all blurry. Audie will just have to come out again to take more!

I finally changed hosting companies and moved servers this week. I remember the first time I changed hosts. I wanted to go to a dedicated server and my current hosting company was just too steep for what they had to offer. I was really disappointed because they were so nice. After searching forums and hosting review sites I found one company that always had great reviews. I went with them and was very happy. Then they were bought out. The stellar support I counted on changed to 'just okay'... and it went downhill from there. The old company answered tickets almost immediately (I think 30 seconds was the fastest). The new company once took two days to answer a ticket. It wasn't that big of a deal, but the time lapse was still pretty shocking. I outgrew my server and finally decided to move on.

My new hosting company is EV1 Servers. I looked through hosting review sites and for the most part I've read positive comments. So far so good! The customer service rep was extremely helpful and nice. He worked with me to get the server I wanted and help me through the initial steps. The support was fast and courteous, and I really like the fact that I can actually talk to someone instead of waiting on an email.

I was stuck when it came to setting up the server and transferring data. My best friend, Bane, usually helps me on the server but was stuck working every night. He found Platinum Server Management, who I recommend to ANYONE wanting to set up their server, make sure it's secure or needing someone to monitor their server. I emailed them on Sunday not expecting much to happen. By late afternoon I had received five emails listing what they had done and updating me on what was still needed. I was amazed. I'm not sure if I want to continue to pay them monthly, but it was worth a one month fee.

Now the icky part. Telling my old hosting company to shut my account. I sent them a ticket Saturday at 12:30PM and got a curt reply 24 hours later stating that it will be dealt with during normal business hours. I'm crossing my fingers they don't come up with some weird fee to hit me up for.

The last month (or two) have been a pain in the ass. Between me trying to eat normal again (and failing), updating NoChickTrix (fucking that up), updating the gallery (see: NCT) and finding a new server (Hurrah! I found one!) I have been disinterested in doing anything else. Some of it is finally falling into place (thanks to Bane), so I will be back to enjoying my online experience soon.

My post operative healing has been an eye opening experience to say the least. The other night I tried eating chicken strips from a grocery store deli and ended up ripping something inside and coughing up blood. Yeah, that's attractive. Supposedly I should be eating normally by the third month. Thanksgiving should be interesting.

Updating the forum on NoChickTrix has been another exercise in patience. I made TWO test forums and had Bane walking me through the problem hacks only to fuck up the real board. We're not even going to discuss me accidentally putting the upgrade to NoChickTrix and Bane having to spend three hours unfucking that up. When it came down to the live update I managed to miss an error that was on the test forums, do something to the front page that made it wonky and erase the log in section. Yeah, that was just a few of the errors. It's still not completely fixed, but whatever.

The galleries were expected to go down with the upgrade. What I *didn't* expect was for it not to upgrade correctly. As of now I still have two galleries that don't work and no idea as to how to fix them. Go me!

The server issue has been one that's been around for a while. Our server sucks. It's slow. It's old. Our current hosting company is too expensive for me to upgrade so we started looking around. More on that baby later.

I'm sorry I haven't been updating the journal and I'm sorry I haven't been talking to a lot of my dear friends. I miss you all so much and promise to get back to normal once this is all over with. Hopefully this weekend will be the magic number for finalizing everything and I can sit back and breathe....

I cannot believe how bad this past weekend was. All the preparations. All the testing... for nothing. I've been trying to upgrade NoChickTrix for a while now, and finally decided to do it. I did TWO tester sites to upgrade beforehand and make sure all was well. After all that I still ended up fucking everything up. On Saturday I accidently uploaded the wrong config file and started to upgrade NoChickTrix live. After freaking out and calling Bane in tears he spent three hours fixing it and went to work on two hours of sleep. On Sunday I finally went live only to find the front page was wonky and the board was buggy. The new shoutbox (that I hate) doesn't work for everyone and now I am stuck with a semi working site. *sigh* At this point I am honestly ready to say 'fuck it' and just close the thing down. Irrational? Yes. But I waisted my whole long weekend only to end up with a fucked up site and begging for help between Bane's work schedule and help forums time differences. Bah!

This has been an interesting experience to say the least. I am going on my last week before returning to work and normally scheduled postings. This week I devoted to trying to upgrade NoChickTrix... although I have yet to finalize the test board. I went from 34 hacks to thirty... and have only found 16 that were updated. I loathe having to get rid of some, especially the shoutbox. *sigh* Oh well. The cool thing about the newest VB version is that its easier to install hacks. Plus there are plenty of extras to go through. I dread getting rid of my current front page hack, but I'm tired of waiting for them to update it. Two years is a long time to wait. Yeppers, I waited... Silly me.

I've been so wrapped up in posting on my StumbleUpon site that that I haven't had time to do the things I've been wanting to do on my other sites. That and chatting my little ass off with my friends. <333 HAH! I just looked at my email. I signed up for a site called 25peeps.com to show people my blog a while back and they just said I made it on the site for now. I'll only be on the top as long as people click it... which is interesting. So of course I did this right before surgery so my site would suck ass in the way of posts. *smiles* Oh well... It was an idea.

I got an email the other day asking to either give credit or remove a post. She gave a snarky remark about me being in 'bad taste' by not giving her credit. I clicked on the link she provided and was sent back in time. Back to 2003... when the thread was created. This shit wasn't even current. I don't post things without giving credit so I was pretty miffed. In the FIRST line of the thread I stated that it was something I found on MSN. You know, one of those life style posts that people send their work in to be published. It was so old that the link was no longer valid. I also placed the 'meat' of the post in quotes. The reason is that a lot of threads go dead fast and I wanted some referrence kept. Considering it was so old I simply removed the quoted bit, but kept the referrence to the dead link so she could she there was credit given. It wasn't good enough. Apparently she thought her name should have been there. Oh give me a break. I quote parts of news articles all the time and link back to the source: the website I got it from. It's not like I'm quoting from some book. These websites (MSN, CNN, Local news stations, etc...) PAY people for their articles. They want recognition? Write a fucking novel. Bah! I'm done...

I was going to respond to the comments my previous post in the comment section, then went a tad overboard. Besides, it's easier to read here and I look like I'm updating. :P

Two everyone who commented on the previous post: Thank you all for the kind words. *hugs* How ironic that the people I actually say made my time on the web worth it commented. I'm just so frustrated with nothing working. It's more about everything that I like is not what any NCTers like. Someone suggests I start an NCT Flickr group, then it dies. I suggest other things that interest me, but no one takes a second look. I'm out of ideas at this point. It's also my disilusion with meeting people. Between the jerks who sign on with one thing in mind: Insults... to the person who vows to be a friend to the end and is no where to be seen.

Thaum1el: You're not a lousy poster. I'd rather have someone post when they see something that interests them than ten thousand LOLs. You also start new threads, which I have always been grateful for. You're one of the sweetest guys I know.

Dynamitt: Sweet sweet Dyna. Heart of gold. I don't mind if Imeem is not for you. It's not like I am basing my friendship on people who sign up, I just wanted people to like the same things as I do. If people don't then it's not their fault... but I am lost at who to share what I like with, you know?

Jules: Cow. I kid. I kid. I know you're busy. Hell, I helped to get a lot of that 'busy' over to you. Now two friends are together and two members are AWOL. Hehe. Seriously though... You're always there for me and understand what I'm saying.

Dustin: (Everyone, this is Dustin. A great guy I met at IMEEM.) I can't imagine you not having lifelong friends banging at the door. You're such a good guy who knows just what to say. I'm not sure of what I will be doing on the web in the future, but I won't go completely off of it. I'd miss my friends too much. Especially the ones who commented here. They've always been wonderful.

Al: You know, you're the only person who took the Moderator title and didn't leave. I was beginning to think that it was a curse. You're also a wonderful and honest guy who I look forward to seeing in person. *hides pity pot* I know... I shouldn't be so down about it. But this isn't just a tantrum. I've been feeling this way more and more. Hell, I made NCT to be cheered up when I felt all was lost. That's why it hurts so bad. It shouldn't be the place that lets me down... or makes me feel like doing a chore by updating it. But the echoes get me to me. I simply don't know where to go with NCT anymore. Part of it is knowing I don't have any more time to devote to it than I already give. Like I told Dustin on his Imeem blog: Dreams hurt when they're something that is always just out of reach. That's when I start to question if it's worth dreaming.

I don't belong here. I've always had that 'outside of the bubble' feeling, but never as much as tonight. I've spent hours trying to find fun things to share with people and hardly get a peep anymore. When I do it's almost like a courtesy cough. Tonight really did it for me. I was trying to get a friend to sign up for Imeem and got hit with comments like 'it's shit'. Someone doesn't like bubbles and it's a shitty program. I admit would be nice to have more active members, but it's not like the whole program isn't worth trying. Whatever. I think what angered/upset me the most is that it's yet another thing I tried to share with people that got shot down. I don't expect to be the kind of person who finds the newest and greatest websites. I just wanted to have fun with people while finding new sites to enjoy together. The whole idea of levity links on NoChickTrix was to get people active. News links to get people talking. Rant, same thing. I feel like a total failure right now. Everything I tried hasn't worked.

My dream of meeting new people on the web seems to be coming to a close. I've met some really nice people, and some not so much... But many of the friendships never fully materialized. People I thought had become lifelong friends faded away. Members came and went in the blink of an eye and people who called NCT home moved on without looking back. Part of me wants to just shut everything off and never look back. Honestly I don't think anyone would feel a loss. For me it's finally admitting what I've felt for so long. I just don't fit in. I never have. The story of my life.

Another site dropped NoChickTrix from their referrers. Either that or I'm not showing because I'm not sending them enough hits. It's a porn site so the traffic is usually hit and run anyway. Part of me wants to just delete the adult section (minus the humor) and be done with it. The site will be slow but any hits will be for the content and not the photos. Ah content, that's where it gets tricky. Lately I've been sticking to my private blog (here) and posting news stories on Imeem. It's like NoChickTrix has a little less of me every day and it kills me to think about it. My mind is swirling with ideas, some good and some not so much. What started out as a place for me to rant to the world ended up being news links and a forum for people to chit chat. Nothing too deep, nothing too hot topic. Whenever the meat of the discussion gets going someone has to get their feelings hurt and I have to make a choice: Step in or let it ride. Lately I've been letting it ride. I long for the days where it was alive with content from the members and not just me and Jake Now those days are pleasant surprises instead of the norm. That's not the way a forum is supposed to work. I've been thinking about ways to make it better, or at least less a burden. Just posting news links without a rant is one. Finding someone to help with the rants is another. It can't keep going like this. At this rate it's going to turn into a quiet place where the Admin's name sits and waits... while doing everything else but be on the board. Members there in username only, not in heart. I'll shut it down before it gets to that... If only I knew what the final hint will be.

Wow. That was a fast three day weekend. We didn't do much, but it was nice just the same. I've been a tad on edge lately with a lot of personal things swirling around but it's at least starting to look a lot brighter. If I can only get over my writers block everything will be peachy keen. I never dreampt I'd get to a point where the words failed me. It's against my gender or something like that.. Yet here I am, trying to think of new and clever things to say for my rant tomorrow. I keep telling myself the words will come. What if they don't?

I'm falling into some sort of rut where I can't seem to think of new and interesting threads for people to discuss. This is also the same time as people are deciding to post all of the email jokes and pictures they've got laying around. Now the board is filled with LOL threads and I can't seem to think of anything to balance it out. It's times like these I wonder why I keep doing it day after day. *sigh* Okay, I'm done bitching...

My first day back posting the rant for NoChickTrix and it was shit. I was so tired from tearing that tank apart on Sunday that Monday morning's rant was the last thing on my mind. It's hard to have any train of thought at 5:30am in the morning as it is. People tell me to try doing the rant the night before, but when I get home the last thing on my mind is doing anything work related. I wonder how some of these sites manage to turn out funny rants and levity on a daily basis. Jake says that it's all they do all day. Maybe they work on the 3rd floor of my work.:p

Last night I was searching for levity for NoChickTrix and realized that there was shit out there. Every site had the same thing, some had things from when I started on the web. It was like one big circle and I had come back to the beginning. While it can be enjoyable for people who are just starting on the web, most have been around enough to see fainting calfs and special olympic pictures with funny slogans on them to last a lifetime. Let's face it... seeing it once is enough. Now if there was a picture of a fainting special olympi... I'm going to hell.

My weekends are flying by lately. I blink and it's Sunday evening again. My evenings during the week are practically non-existant. I hope it slows down soon. I spent this weekend uploading a ton of humor pictures for the NoChickTrix gallery. The funny part is that it was only one section. I have so many pictures saved for the site. Sometimes I just want to delete them all and start all over. I can see it now... Three months later and over 3 gigs of NEW pictures to go through. Is there a Packrat Anonymous group I can sign up with?

My boss made sure I had too much to do on friday. At least I finished it all and added a new report just for good measure. My coworker also approached me and told me that she's looking for a new job. She said that she knew they were going to lay her off just by how my boss was acting and even if she wasn't laid off she didn't want to drive all the extra miles to the new jobsite. Then she cried. *sigh*

I was feeling bad for her until she mentioned that she was leaving early to board her 3 purebred animals before leaving for her vacation. Personally, I would have called off the trip and saved my money... but that's just me. It's very hard to talk to someone who's complaining about their money woes when you know they're spending habits.

By the way... 1,014 people found my NCT site searching for Brianna Banks. Porn rules the internet!

First day back after a nice break from NCT. I love that site and really need to find a clear direction for it. It's always been the front page VS the forum. I guess it's because the front page came first. I ranted. I raved. I posted porn and news. Suddenly there was a community growing in the background and I didn't evolve with it. Now I have to figure out how to incorporate the two. The news and levity is what takes the longest. It sucks up about 3 hours a day. I've been trying to do it while at work, but I don't know how that's going to fly with all the changes. Then there's the rant. Some people may be bright and chipper at 6am... but I'm not one of them. A lot of my rants were more like whimpers. I've seen sites that have multiple people post rants, and in the beginning I was dead set against it. Now not so much. *sigh* I have too many ideas pulling at me at once. I think I'm going to go suck down some more coffee and think about it later.

In other news, Mondays suck monkey balls...