Since Jennafer's death I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. From losing her to dealing with her ex boyfriends who seem to think showing up on NoChickTrix and proclaiming their love is a good thing to do. If she were alive they would not have dared invade her special place. More importantly they've tried to make NCT into some sort of Jennafer Shrine for their own amusement. At first I was too crushed to do anything about it. But I've slowly come to terms with her death and decided that I won't let people who hurt her while she was alive suddenly claim to only have her best interest in death.

The thing about posting your thoughts on the web is that people read them. It's all fine and dandy until the person you've tried to be civil with on the phone reads your thoughts about him on the web. To my defense I had no desire in a pissing match over something that happened before and would change nothing. Jennafer is dead. One let her down and broke her heart by getting hooked on crack, the other hit her and terrified her. Now I'm left trying to shoo them out the door and keep a civil tone while not breaking down from being reminded of my loss. In the midst of this I am trying to strike up a friendship with her aunt, who seems like a lovely lady who brought happiness to her. The drama never stops I guess. I dodge it, duck from it and run from it... but somehow it seems to stick like gum on a hot day to the bottom of my shoe.

I just don't have the emotional capacity to be there for everyone else in regards to Jennafer. Her EX boyfriend shows up on NoChickTrix Saturday and signs in as her. I was devastated. To see her name online... and to know that he was snooping through her personal stuff, it was too much. After a bout of crying I went into webmaster mode and changed all the permissions on the site. Fuck that shit. I also locked him out of her account. I think the hardest part was when her name dropped off of the Who's Online section. I broke down and went to bed for a while.

This morning the EX boyfriend signs up as a new member and posts a thank you thread. While I don't mind the words, I just felt an email would have been better. This guy took care of her better than all the rest for the longest time. Jenn Jenn finally had the support she needed to watch her medicine intake and curb her alcohol intake. It's hard to reign in someone like Jennafer, especially when her life was indoors for the most part. Between her mental illness and phobias she couldn't do much. But then he got hooked on crack. That is so foreign to me. Who the fuck takes crack? I think of homeless druggies on the street, not full time job and house mortgage. He lost the house, the job and Jennafer because of his addiction... and it really hurt her. He wouldn't let her have both dogs, which sent her into a panic attack. I had to try and bring her down. It's the only time I heard Jennafer cry.

I emailed him to stop posting. He was bringing up old threads and writing about his love for her. He even said he was 'Jen's man'. No... you're her EX boyfriend. Fucker... I can't be too harsh, because I know he loves her. Jennafer had a way of picking some of the WORST guys, but they all loved her. My baby was a heart breaker. In the end NoChickTrix was and will always be Jenn Jenn's place. She told me she was paranoid that he was spying on her and even signed up under another name to hide from him. If she didn't want him around in life I was damn sure not going to allow it in death.

Here's the part where I'm an asshole. The guy's hurting. He's reaching out for guidance. He is searching for comfort. I just can't be that person. Instead of consoling him and giving him comfort I gently gave him the door. I have always been there for people. I've always been the type to put my feelings aside and take care of theirs. This time... I need everything I have just to keep going. I don't wish him ill will and I hope he finds the support he desperately needs to move on. It's just not going to come from me.

I called the florist today to order flowers for Jenn Jenn's funeral. I spent an hour chatting with this woman about the different arrangements, how bizarre balloons were on them and misreading 'Sympathy and Remembrance' as 'Sympathy and Resentment'. After fussing about carnations (they look chintzy) and smallish baskets I picked a floral bouquet with enough colors to blind you. I was tempted to send the cheesy basket with a teddy bear attached, just because I know Jenn Jenn would laugh at that. But I figured her parents... not so much. As much as the funeral is a last good-bye to her, it's a way of grieving for them and I wanted to be respectful.