My favorite holiday is one week away. I cannot WAIT! I'm sad that we aren't going to be able to spend it with his folks but it will be nice to just spend a few days wrapped around each other and munching on food. Jake is a great cook and his Thanksgiving dinner is going to rock. Turkey, homemade mac and cheese and stuffing for starters. Hopefully we'll be able to go see a movie and just do something fun.

We've been laying low on the weekends, which isn't too bad. I don't want to go broke when the holidays are right around the corner. With Jake having to sign up for classes and get books I know we'll be saving up for our next one for a while. Lately he's been playing Fallout 3 and I am loving it. I can actually watch the game without getting too dizzy and the atmosphere is awesome. I am just amazed at the design. It's creepy and really gets you thinking. One spot he was walking by a raised freeway that was blown to bits. It almost made the hair on my neck stand on end.

Speaking of games... sims2 has another SP that I am sooo getting. I think I might also pre-order Sims3. Not sure yet. I think I'll wait to see if it will be compatible with my computer. I'm not about to buy a game that makes me have to upgrade again.

I'm one of those people that likes celebrating things ON the day they happened. It just seems silly to put something off like it's a trip to the dentist. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc... If you couldn't put off HAVING the baby on that day, then why should you retroactively put off celebrating. Wishing me a happy birthday three days prior so you won't forget is just sad. It's like you're saying, 'I can't be arsed to remind myself to remember an important date to you, so just be happy I remembered it at all'. Gee... thanks. February 14th is coming up and I was hoping to have the usual romantic dinner at home. I find out today that I'm being dragged into some meeting that is supposed to go until 5:30pm, but has some people who will talk until 7pm... easy. 'Just celebrate it on the weekend'. Riiiight. Just because YOUR personal life is devoid of any romance and love doesn't mean mine has to be. So yeah, this year's Hallmark sponsered holiday is being delayed. I had BETTER be let go early the next day. Damn it!

Demon = food. Lots of it. Everywhere. GAH! I've been munching on finger sandwiches, cookies, baked goods and everything else they've set down for us to eat all day long. It started innocently enough. we had a Tea Party to raise more money for the needy and (semi) needy families we are adopting this year. I say 'semi' because I can't call a family that's Christmas wish is for a Wii and a 19 - 20 inch TV needy. The other family has so many needs. A family of seven (Mom and dad with five children), two children severely retarded with severe medical conditions and one of those is wheelchair bound. They live in a horrible part of town and barely get by. Their requests for a ham on Christmas and a jacket for one of the boys broke my heart. They weren't asking for much... just a few necessities and a nice dinner for the holiday. Back to that later.... First, the food. Oh yes, the evil evil food. home baked goods, little sandwiches made by coworkers and freshly brewed tea was too much for me to handle. I ate. and ate. And... took a little breather, then ate again. Each portion just enough to satisfy my hunger, but more portions than I care to mention. Oy... To make matters worse (for my tummy and waistline) they brought all the extras and placed them RIGHT... BY.... MY... DESK. Kill me now.

Okay, back to why I'm so miffed about this fucking adopt a family shit. The one family truly needed our help in every sense of the word. They needed the kindness that only seems to come around this time of year. Wallets open a little more, people listen a little longer and kindness is spread a little thicker. Except when driving. Those bastards are all getting coal in their stockings. So when one family was unable to be reached our building took on a coworker who was in a bad accident and needed several surgeries. Needless to say, their Christmas wouldn't be great. I have no problem with helping out people in need. But when the wish list consisted of the Wii game console and a 19' - 20' television (for a nine year old) I balked. I grumbled. I raised hell. We went above and beyond the amount that was expected only to be told they were going to buy them the game console. WTF!?! I don't care if the kid wanted it... you don't buy a 'needy' family a $300 - $500 gift. Food, gift certificates yes. But a game console that needs games which run about $30 - $50 each? I don't fucking think so. If you can afford that, you aren't that needy. The coup de grace was finding out that not only did the second floor people buy the kid the Wii AND the television, but instead of joining us and donating the rest of the excess money to other families who weren't adopted they opted to 'take care of their own' and buy other things for their coworker. Merry Fucking Christmas...

Not in this household. The only wrapping we usually see is the plastic wrap around the gift. As much as I love to unwrap presents it ends up being more of a pain in the end. ribbons and bits of paper flying through the air with cats hot on their trail... making the mess twice as big and twice as hard to clean up. Considering most of our presents have been from wish lists or direct links (here, buy me this) the desire to wrap it up just isn't there. I'd rather save the money spent on gaudy holiday wrapping paper that ends up shoved in the closet only to fall on me through out the year and just do the 'close your eyes and hold out your hands' routine. Yeah, we're hardcore holiday like that.

Please... go away. Seriously... just GO AWAY. On Friday I had to endure four people trying to shove their samplings of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' food in my face. Each time I VERY politely declined... even after the last person almost made it a threat. To that I smiled and pleaded 'please just respect my wishes'. This morning a coworker (who's usually REALLY good at these things) came by to tell me the food was ready. I smiled and said no thank you. She slapped her head and said "I totally forgot'. Then added. 'come on... it's FOOD!' I repeated my no thank you and simmered quietly.

If it were Good Friday or Lent and I offered the wrong food they'd decline. If I pushed it they'd insist on declining. If I said 'It's just FOOD' they'd be offended. So why is it so fucking different when I say it? My religion says not to celebrate other religious holidays. I try so hard to follow the rules. It is so fucking hard to just accept that and move on? I don't make comments. I don't thumb my nose to their celebrations. It has nothing to do with me being anti Christmas. Hell, I love to look at the decorations (on other peoples' homes) and love the Christmas music. I always support my coworkers enjoying themselves to the fullest. Apparently sitting and doing my job is too much of a distraction for them to handle. *grumbles*

This year I managed to ditch that annoying Santa fucker at work. While he ho ho ho'd around all the employees that cared I hid in the kitchen with another anti-santa person and bitched about him. We also bitched about fearing Clowns too... which was cool. I felt like he was a kindred spirit until he mentioned fearing antiques. Then it just got weird. Yeah, bah humbug to you too. Now I have all the people around me laughing about how I ditched Santa. A few said they were on the look out to warn me. It's said when it gets to the point where you have to hide just to not get into an altercation with some moron who throws on a costume and suddenly thinks he's all that. Next year I'm going to line up mini GI Joes with Santa targets around my desk.

Every year our building adopts needy families and holds different types of sales and raffles to make money so that they can buy gifts to them. This year we hit the jackpot. Every day has been filled with all sorts of food that I shouldn't be eating but do anyway. 'Hey, it's for a good cause' has become our floor's official logo. Each department has it's own bake sale, luncheon or snack time treat and everyone else is happy to fork over the three to six bucks and munch on someone else's cooking. I swear I'm going to go into a cookie coma if they keep this up. *looks at fresh salad* Riiiight.

Yeppers... it's that time of the year. Time to dig out the holiday decorations, search for that special gift and count the days til you have some time to relax. No matter what your religion this can be a very stressful/hard time of the year. Hard financially... stressful emotionally. Every year I meet someone who mourns for lost friends/relatives. It's not even that they died at this time. It's the advertisements, the television storylines and ultimately the chatter amongst coworkers and strangers. Seemingly innocent questions are a jab in the side, and all you can do is smile. To all those who hate this time of the year *almost* as much as Valentines, here's my wishing you strength and courage to get past the hellish commercialism and enjoy time with those you have. Cheers.

I care for them so the temptation to smack them upside the head is diverted just enough to annoy the fuck out of me. Take my one friend for instance... the one that ended up helping my boss give me grief about the upcoming holiday season.

My friend: How about if we got together at whatever time you like over the Yule time xmas. Say on Tuesday the 25th. I don't want to mention xmas, Hoewever we have created a tradition. whether you like it or not. It is up to you

My response: I can't believe you went there. Oy. You can mention Christmas all you like. It's not like it doesn't exist... ass. :p The 25th is just fine with me. Again... ass.

I swear to G-d I'm going to list my religion as FSM and insist on having Friday Mass at work. A little garlic bread, some spaghetti and the funkiest music I can find... set on high. For the holidays I'll hang strings of pasta around the desk, along with some garlic cloves to really stink up the place. You want me to get involved in the holiday spirit? You got it!

Prepare to be inconvenienced. Flying nowadays is about the same as major dental work. A necessity and yet you loathe doing it. This morning Jake and I spent ten minutes arguing about what sized baggie I could use to put my slippers in. How stupid is that? The TSA is even sending out alerts to pack neatly for their convenience. I'm not a terrorist, damn it! Meanwhile I have another coat of nail polish to do, makeup to put on and then pack all my shit up.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Huge, hairy, sweaty donkey balls. Flea infested ones. I originally went on their site to do the usual 'what's the cheapest airfare' tester. After going on several different websites they had the best. I bought the overly priced tickets and went on to select the seating. Going from LA to Dallas was a breeze. When I moved on to the return flight it kept kicking me out. It would confirm... then kick me out. Each time showing less seats. I figured rather than book the whole fucking plane (although that would be kick ass) I called Cheap Tickets and they said it was a computer glitch on their end and all was well. A few days later I got the confirmation email... saying I had to select the seats. WTF!?! I went BACK to the Cheap Ticket website and tried selecting again. After it wouldn't allow me I called for help. Again they said there was a computer glitch, they're oh so sorry... yada yada yada... all is set. Fast forward to Monday. I get my friendly reminder with some hints and tips... and an alert to tell me to pick our return seats. To say I flipped was an understatement. I huffed. I puffed. I searched through the bowels of my very being to find a way to talk to the customer service rep without using the words 'cow' or heifer'. Ten minutes into the call I was fighting back 'cunt' and 'son of a whore'. That's with being on hold for a seven and a half of it. Apparently Miss Customer Service Rep missed her bedside manner class. After quipping about 'If you read the instructions (biteme) it states that they will assign the seats' I pointed out that they assigned the first seats without a glitch. She came back with 'it's (airline name here)'s decision to assign the seats. They only look at our recommendations. I slammed her with, "So what you're saying is that I shouldn't even use Cheap Tickets because they are powerless to book the flight and I should go through the airlines directly. Is that about right?" Yeppers... I went right into bitch-mode. It's a rarity outside of PMS, which shows you how done I was with it all. With that she cow towed down and politely asked to put me on hold so she could call them and check. My 'go ahead' was the most I could muster up without cussing. I signed onto the airline website and searched for our plane. Two minutes later she cheerfully came back on the line to say all was well and we were assigned seats 14X and 14Y. I was so happy I could cry. I thanked the woman and hung up. I was about to close the browser and scrolled up to see our confirmed/locked in place/mineminemine seats. 12, 13, 17. *blink* No row 14. Oh Hell naw! My eye twitched. My fingers twitched. I was about to scream. Instead I called the airline and spoke to THEIR customer service rep. After laughing about my colorful description of Cheap Tickets and me asking if we were indeed flying on the plane's wings she confirmed that we were on row 13. I thanked her and offered her my first born (IE: used condom). She declined. I was about to call Cheap Tickets back to bitch them out but thought better of it. I'll wait till I get my happy ass back before heading down that dark road.

"...You know, because you don't celebrate Christmas." I adore my friend but I wanted to clock him for asking me that. Let the season begin. The season of bitching about me not decorating my cubicle, not wanting that annoying fucker who walks around in the Santa suit to throw candy canes at me (what is he on... a quota?) and guilt ridden questions about parties and Secret Santas. Every answer I give turns into me being overly sensitive. Me turning down pork entrees (even though a coworker also doesn't eat it) is another jab at my overly sensitive religious state. Apparently she can turn it down because it's not for religious reasons. A simple 'no thank you' is turned into a reprimand. I'm not a team player because I'm going against what everyone else does. I like to look at the Christmas lights. I love listening to the Christmas carols. It's not like I'm 'Bah, Humbugging' the whole affair. Just let me sit on the side and enjoy your holiday on my terms... and stop worrying about me not being in the middle of it all. Jeesh...

...Let the pre-redneck exercises begin! One (bite your tongue on anything political)... Two (bite your lips on anything to do with alternative lifestyles)... Three *grunts* (hand over mouth on ANYTHING religious) aaaand Four *argh* (hum softly to self whenever they bring up *their* points of view on any of said subjects). Finally... breathing exercises (because once you land it's smokers ville).

I think I'm ready....

V-Day at work is always fun. It's like the rose parade... complete with snarkiness. All day there have been flowers delivered to various coworkers, each sizing up the new bouquet with the last. It started off with a HUGE basket filled with over three dozen roses and humongous "I Love You" heart shaped balloons. The women were salivating. Anyone who DIDN'T get flowers got the 'do you want one of mine?' comments. Yeah, like that will make it better. Each year I tell myself (and Jake) that I don't want flowers, and each year I wish I would have said otherwise. Then again, it would be nicer to get flowers on any other day just to feel special. Yes, it's snobby. Yes, I fully admit to wanting to partake in that 'in your face' smugness that comes along with getting something special at work. Next year I'm taking out a loan and buying myself flowers. :p

PS: I wrote this while high on pink, red and white M-&-Ms.

Happy Hallmark day! Yesser, it's the day where people spend lots of money on things with hearts and sappy sayings to prove the love they have for someone but couldn't do the other 364 days out of the year. Flowers, cards, candy, jewelry, etc... all to make up for the days you DIDN'T say you loved them. Imagine how much better it would be if you just said it all of the other days? It's just another day to me. Yes we're going to do some romantic dinner at home, but that's about it. Throw in a movie and it's date night. Single people loathe this day because it's supposedly the day for lovers. Oh come on... It's the day for merchandise. I walked by the card rack this weekend and noticed Valentines Day cards to mothers and sisters. WTF is this... Alabama? You shouldn't feel bad because you aren't forced to think of something romantic or special to buy at the risk of being bitched at. Don't hate people for having someone JUST because of this day. Laugh at them for having to deal with it.

That was exciting... not. Our annual New Year celebration day ended up kinda disappointing. We watching our movies (Dogma and Slither for teh win!) and had our kick ass dinner. It consisted of lobster tail, fillet mignon and baked potatoes with almost all the works. Top it off with some wine and we were set. Then around 10:30pm Jake disappears and I find him fast asleep on the bed. *grumbles* So I rang in the New Year by myself and left the Champagne for some other time. It could have been worse. Hell, it has been. At least I'm with the one I love and we're safe at home instead of dodging drunks on the road.

Our neighbors down the street got a hold of some fire crackers and freaked out the cats. Yay... Considering I used to live in a really bad neighborhood where the neighbors fired semi automatic weapons into the air this was a pleasant change.

I refuse to make any New Years resolutions. If I can't make goals without start dates and holidays then I'm not doing well in my book. That being said I do hope for a happy and healthier New Year for all.

I survived the annual work party and managed to have some fun. We drove to my boss' house on Saturday afternoon, expecting the 'biggest storm of the season'. Yeah, so basically my car got washed. I think more water comes out of a car wash then the whole storm combined. You gotta love that California weather.

We were the first ones to arrive (figures) and helped set things out. It was nice to see my boss in a cheerful mood. Her husband even managed to show up (don't ask) and be pleasant. I love how I'm her assistant and he still has no clue as to who I am. And we've met several times. Soon the other guests arrived and we started to enjoy ourselves. The food was good, there was only ONE Christmas game to get through and everyone had a blast. We sat at the cool peoples table and talked about horse fucking and other bizarre news items that would have had the other guests running for the door. JakeD got roped into playing the White Elephant game... and scored a nice candle set. After that we were out the door. I wished my boss a merry Christmas and she gave me an odd look. "I'll see you on Monday." You'll what!?! Oh yes, I was the pillar of calmness. My friend laughed all the way to her car, talking about the expression on my face. Lovely.

We followed my friend/his boss who lives around there to see some gorgeous Christmas lights. The homes were incredible and the lights were professionally done. I would love to go back and see more closer to the Christmas holiday. JakeD We managed to get lost on the way back, but found our way. I'd rather be lost in a uber rich neighborhood then some backwoods psycho infested area any day. But that goes without saying.

I survived another year without decking the Santa in the halls. That's a Christmas song, isn't it? Anyway, this year I conveniently had to pee when he made the rounds to our area. I stopped by one of the IT guys and we talked about his behavior last year. The IT guy chimed in, "Let him try doing that to my Muslim ass." Yay for another person who understands! While we were chatting they came up to ask him to pose with Santa with his group. His answer: "Oh hell no." I would love for this country to go Jewish for a year. Or any other non Christian religion. Imagine ONLY celebrating someone else's holidays officially. The food you shop for, the days you take off... all based on their religious beliefs. That's one 'Christmas present' I'd happily accept with baby in a manger wrapping and a Santa card to boot.

We had a meeting to discuss holiday dishes and the subject of Ham came up. I smiled and said nothing while a coworker chimed in, "Isn't that something you don't eat?" I responded that she was correct, Jews don't eat ham. With that my boss blurted out, "Well I don't let something like religion get in the way of eating food." After I found my jaw and re-attached it I simply said, "How nice" and left out the part about hoping she'd feel the same when I converted to Satanism and preformed human sacrifices for lunch. I was highly annoyed to say the least.

My coworkers decided to do the 12 days of Christmas food this year. Each day someone brought some dish for others to munch on. Wednesday was Titos day. Titos Tacos is a well known Mexican food joint that cooks old style food. They line around the block to get some. The girls happened to mention that it was cooked with pork fat and I politely declined to taste. My boss started to fuss then thought better. I guess I had the 'say it and die' look on right. I swear she's going to be my first sacrifice...

Why do people get all bent out of shape when someone chooses not to eat their food? Suddenly I'm a poor sport for not going against my religious beliefs and munching on reheated tacos. I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm Jewish. Hello? What part of 'Not the Messiah' do you not understand? I've been called a Scrooge for refusing to put up decorations. Every year I go through the same shit. I never demand they put up Chanukah decorations and change their decorations to generic holiday crap. You want to put up a tree? Go for it. Wreaths and ornaments more your thing? Have at it. I have no problem with people celebrating their religious holidays... Just don't thrust that shit on me. Bah, humbug.

This weekend is our holiday party, which will be held at my boss' house. Oh joy. Oh rapture. She got together with the whole staff (minus me, of course) and agreed upon the day. So what happens? Six people have plans and can't make it. She is a tad annoyed to say the least. Meanwhile the 'come and enjoy' has turned into 'Oh and bring food... Ummm... and some sort of gift.' She gave me the list of people to invite, which I sent out. Now I get a daily 'Did you invite this person?' like I'm going to just start pulling strays off the street to go to her place. I don't even want to go. Why work 40 hours and then have to go and be with coworkers on one of your two days off? Yeah, so Bah Humbug to you too.

Neil Kramer, where have you been all my (online) life? Citizen of the Month is a hilarious blog with just the right amount of Jewish humor that makes it a perfect daily read. His entry on Mel Gibson made made me feel so much better about the fiasco. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone who understands (but doesn't over react) about the sting of anti-Semitic remarks. Humor is the best medicine.

Sometimes I feel lonely without the Jewish connection. I don't go to Temple (I know... I know...) and none of my friends are Jewish. For once I'd like to go somewhere and not have people ask me, "So... What DO you eat? Porks out, right?" Oy... I feel worse than a diabetic cousin at a Candy convention. "We can order something special for you." I remember the year my friend dragged me to their family's cabin in the woods to celebrate Christmas. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring her to understand the statement "No one should be alone for Christmas. Not even a Jew!" didn't make any sense.

We arrived just in time for dinner. Everyone was already at the table waiting for the food. After announcing that she had invited her 'Jewish friend' to dinner we sat down. There's nothing like being the token Jew I tell ya. I looked over at some blackened meat and casually asked what it was. Her mother chirped, "Why it's Por... " and stopped. Suddenly all eyes were on me and you could hear a pin drop. I glanced around at everyone, who looked like the friday night movie stopped and Beastiality Fun Part Twelve started playing, and smiled. "I'll have the salad." With that her mother was running out of the room, yelling about finding something for me to eat. I wanted to die. I settled for a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, which I had to fight to eat. "Cream cheese and jelly? Didn't anyone bring peanut butter? Quick, go to the store!" After ten minutes they let me eat my 'weird' food while they ate theirs. That was the last time I went to someone's place for Christmas as a pity meal.

It's so good to be home. I had a blast in Texas but the novelty wore off on Friday. Which was fine except we were stuck there til Sunday. After deep thought and much consideration (and his mother pitching a fit over half a dozen times) we decided that if we move to Texas it will be AT LEAST an hour or two from his family. Close enough for emergencies and weekend trips (not every month, mind you), but far enough to ward off any daily visits or expectations of chores. That woman almost puts a Jewish mother to shame. I love her dearly but damn... My only defense was pure sarcasm. I'm surprised she didn't haul off and slap me. I still think she secretly hopes we'll break up so she'll have her son back. Here's just a few of the tantrums I thwarted.

Example one:
Jake's step dad, Wayne, says the word 'fucking' and his mom yells "Don't you cuss around the kids!" So I pipe up, "Yeah. What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She ended up laughing and he got a kick out of it.

Example two:
His mom tosses the top to some food platter to him in a huff to throw away and he crumbles it. She yells "'I don't want to hear ANY more noise!" I say, "Uhhh... can we breath, or is that too distracting to the cooking?" Wayne and Jake laughed while his mother simmered.

Example three:
She yelled about him getting the fucking bananas. So of course I said, "Will the non fucking ones do?" She hushed and Wayne said, "So which ones do you want?" She snapped "What do you mean?" and he said, "The fucking or non fucking ones?" We all started laughing so she basically just said whichever they have. I could swear I heard her jaw snap at that one, though

For the most part she mellowed after I said something. There wasn't much she could do but save face and laugh along. I know that we're going to have a brawl one of these days, though. I love her to death but that woman needs a stern talking to. She treats Jake like a kid and expects everyone to read her mind on what she wants. No matter what is done it's not good enough. Jake's dad is a nice guy, as long as you don't discuss politics, religion or homosexuality. Then the redneck kicks in and everyone gets their feelings hurt. *sigh* It's been so many years since I had to deal with 'family' and all their quirks it's like trying to ride a bike. Every time I get frustrated I look at Jake and realize why I'm dealing with it. *smiles* It's worth every pulled hair.

On to better things. So I ran up their outside stairs and fell through a rotted out step. Right up to my knee. The bad news is my foot and knee are bruised. I'm guessing just soft tissue damage. The good news is that it's not my knee that I had surgery on. I may not be graceful but at least I've mastered fucking up one leg at a time. Oh joy. Oh rapture.