Growing up can always be so tough. People who were heroes become flawed, television memories destroyed by 'updated' versions and snacks you begged for now taste like chalk. Old, in the sun for one hundred days straight and dipped in gutter water chalk. Two celebrities, both tainted with time and gossip, leave their mortal coils and sail on to distant waters. Both take with them the drama and leave behind the memories that made me smile.

Farrah Fawcett and her teeth. While she wasn't my favorite Angel (Jaclyn Smith carried that title), her hair was awesome. I remember when the first girl tried getting that flip curl in Junior High. It was awful. Her hair was way too curly and short. She even tried to get the color right. No 13 year old should walk around with highlights like that. I remember the hot pants that they all wore on Charlie's Angels. I dreamed of a closet full of them.

Michael Jackson and his squeal. That mesmerizing dance that everyone wanted to do. His smile. *sigh* As a child I had the biggest crush on him. I remember singing Ben whenever I could. I still have a few Jackson Five albums. The songs were simple, fun and easy to sing along to. I watched the Jackson Five cartoons and thought Off the Wall was the greatest album. Even when he started to change I felt the need to defend him. His life was filled with chaos. Locked away from the world because of a talent everyone loved and yet kicked whenever he tried to be out. I can only pray that his children are whisked away and find a normal life somewhere that their father could only dream of.

I don't want to hear the jokes. Really. You see celebrities that you can mock and make fun of. I see two people who lived their lives in the shadows of society because they wanted to perform. I see two people who died. A father. A mother. A sister. A brother. A loved one. A friend. Remember that while you're smirking about some joke you thought was clever.

Jake is on his way to Texas right now and I feel lost. His grandma had a stroke last week and bled into her brain. He left at 3:50am to try and see her before she died... but wasn't able to. She died while he was in the air. Now I have the person I love most in the world hurting and can't comfort him. I can't hold him, console him or just be with him. I hate that I am unable to be there for his family. I hate that all I can do is reassure him over the phone and via text messages. Now he'll have to deal with the 'What ifs' and I can't even rationalize it. You can tell someone that they know how much you loved them til the cows come home... it doesn't help when all you can think about is what else you could have done.

I'll be alone until Saturday, which is going to be hard. I'm so used to having him beside me at night and there to talk to throughout the morning and evening. I'm just grateful to have friends to support us and be there during this time. I think I'd be climbing the walls if it weren't for them.

I woke up on time only to mess around and be late out the door. After the usual flurry of getting ready and waiting for Jake I managed to zip past few the slow spots (all two miles of it) and make it to work just in time. From there it was all put on hold. Police cruisers blocked the street and I had to walk around them. After getting upstairs Mr Nosy asked, "Did you see the body?" We looked out the window and across the street lay the body of a woman, covered by yellow tarp. Around her and on the parking garage above police walked around, surveying the area. Crime Scene tape flapped gently around the body and people walked a little slower to see if they could catch a glimpse of the deceased. I looked to the stairwell across from us and there were people standing there, coffee mugs in hand. One last show from a person who didn't want to go on. She parked her car, made some steps from boxes she found and lept to her death. Such a sad ending, regardless of the circumstances.

Times are tough. The holidays always make it tougher. I remember sitting at home all alone and crying on too many occasions. My choice, but it was still a hard one. Being on the edge of the abyss is so easy. One step. One leap. One movement. One last pain and it all goes away. No more fear. No more anger. No more loneliness. No more pain. It's the easy way out and yet so many take it. I wonder if this person reached out to anyone, or had anyone to reach out to. Sometimes it's the littlest things that mean so much. A smile. A hello. Asking how someone is and then actually listening when they say it's not okay. I remember being in so much pain and reaching out. Someone said, "Don't worry, it will get better." It was as if they were saying "I didn't want to know how you felt, I just wanted to be polite while walking past you." Fair weather friends are worse than enemies at times. At least your enemy wants to know your condition.

When you walk outside today remember that there are people hurting. Sometimes a simple smile and acknowledgment is what will get them through one more day. This woman probably died because there wasn't a connection strong enough to keep her going. Sadly there is a connection now.

I just don't have the emotional capacity to be there for everyone else in regards to Jennafer. Her EX boyfriend shows up on NoChickTrix Saturday and signs in as her. I was devastated. To see her name online... and to know that he was snooping through her personal stuff, it was too much. After a bout of crying I went into webmaster mode and changed all the permissions on the site. Fuck that shit. I also locked him out of her account. I think the hardest part was when her name dropped off of the Who's Online section. I broke down and went to bed for a while.

This morning the EX boyfriend signs up as a new member and posts a thank you thread. While I don't mind the words, I just felt an email would have been better. This guy took care of her better than all the rest for the longest time. Jenn Jenn finally had the support she needed to watch her medicine intake and curb her alcohol intake. It's hard to reign in someone like Jennafer, especially when her life was indoors for the most part. Between her mental illness and phobias she couldn't do much. But then he got hooked on crack. That is so foreign to me. Who the fuck takes crack? I think of homeless druggies on the street, not full time job and house mortgage. He lost the house, the job and Jennafer because of his addiction... and it really hurt her. He wouldn't let her have both dogs, which sent her into a panic attack. I had to try and bring her down. It's the only time I heard Jennafer cry.

I emailed him to stop posting. He was bringing up old threads and writing about his love for her. He even said he was 'Jen's man'. No... you're her EX boyfriend. Fucker... I can't be too harsh, because I know he loves her. Jennafer had a way of picking some of the WORST guys, but they all loved her. My baby was a heart breaker. In the end NoChickTrix was and will always be Jenn Jenn's place. She told me she was paranoid that he was spying on her and even signed up under another name to hide from him. If she didn't want him around in life I was damn sure not going to allow it in death.

Here's the part where I'm an asshole. The guy's hurting. He's reaching out for guidance. He is searching for comfort. I just can't be that person. Instead of consoling him and giving him comfort I gently gave him the door. I have always been there for people. I've always been the type to put my feelings aside and take care of theirs. This time... I need everything I have just to keep going. I don't wish him ill will and I hope he finds the support he desperately needs to move on. It's just not going to come from me.

I called the florist today to order flowers for Jenn Jenn's funeral. I spent an hour chatting with this woman about the different arrangements, how bizarre balloons were on them and misreading 'Sympathy and Remembrance' as 'Sympathy and Resentment'. After fussing about carnations (they look chintzy) and smallish baskets I picked a floral bouquet with enough colors to blind you. I was tempted to send the cheesy basket with a teddy bear attached, just because I know Jenn Jenn would laugh at that. But I figured her parents... not so much. As much as the funeral is a last good-bye to her, it's a way of grieving for them and I wanted to be respectful.

I'm a bit of a mess right now. A dear friend died unexpectedly yesterday and I've been at a loss. She had a Grand Mal seizure while in the bath and drowned.

She had some mental problems and phobias that made her an outsider of many people. I just thought she was wonderful. She could light up a room with her giggle and her antics were a source of laughter to many. From teepeeing the inside of the house to blasting the Rocky Horror soundtrack while dancing around in her Time Warp boots. She also managed to get involved with some of the biggest losers, and many calls were about leaving him or getting back together with someone else. I tried my best to be supportive knowing that anything else would be a losing battle. Jenn Jenn was going to do what she wanted to do.

She called me the other week incoherent at about 5am. She left messages and I finally picked up and said I'd call her back. I tried getting a number but she told me 'you know it' hung up. It was the last time I would talk to her. It kills me that I never spoke to her again.

I've been talking to her aunt, which is comforting. I think it's good for her too. Last night I tried calling her parents and ended up calling her ex boyfriend instead. I spent twenty minutes listening to him scream, yell, cry and trying to console him. He said they were getting back together and she was at her mom's house getting ready to see him. He told me how much she spoke of me and that I was very important to her. It made me feel better and yet a little worse. In the end we don't always get the perfect last good byes and I have to accept that. I know she knows how much I care about her and it's going to have to be enough to help me move on.

We came home tonight and noticed four dead fish... making it a total of 6 dead in two days. I called the fish store and talked to the owner, who is very nice, and mentioned that the statue I got was peeling. I brought in a water sample and the statue just in case. Sure enough, one whiff of the statue and he knew what the problem was. Apparently food fell into the broken arm crack and rotted there. When I was cleaning the tank I bumped the statue and all that crap seeped out into the water, killing my YoYo Loaches and Rummy Nose Tetra. *sigh*

Now I have to try and stabilize the PH levels so I can get more fish. Oh and as for the statue? I trashed that sucker. Now I have to find another one. What a way to end the year. Bah!

I took my cat into be put to sleep yesterday. She hadn't eaten in 4 days and stayed in the same spot for a day at a time. When I tried to pet her she didn't even respond. You could tell she was in pain. I went into the room they have designated for this and sat on the couch. Ginger calmed down and leaned against me as I pet her. The doctor was awesome and cried the whole time with me. You could tell how much she cared about animals. I left two hours later, and still found it hard to drive.

Losing an animal that you treat like it's a part of your family is so painful. My boss, who has the compassion of a gnat when it comes to animals, told me I should have kept the money and done something for myself instead of having her in the hospital. I'm just thankful I had almost a month more to say goodbye and spoil her even more. I know she felt loved. Her pain is over... know it's time to take care of ours.

My large YoYo Loach died. :(I've had him for a while so it could just be old age. I felt bad for the little YoYo Loach though... It had snuggled close to him and just laid there. I thought it was dead to at first. *sigh* I can't wait to get more fish so it can have friends. I got two Tetras but it's just not the same. I think I'm going to the fish place to get my water tested and see what they suggest to move it along.

I'm so glad it's Friday. My boss was being a royal wench to me all day yesterday. I finally called her after she left on her mobile phone and asked if she was in a better mood yet. At least she calms down when I call her on it. :p