I just don't have the emotional capacity to be there for everyone else in regards to Jennafer. Her EX boyfriend shows up on NoChickTrix Saturday and signs in as her. I was devastated. To see her name online... and to know that he was snooping through her personal stuff, it was too much. After a bout of crying I went into webmaster mode and changed all the permissions on the site. Fuck that shit. I also locked him out of her account. I think the hardest part was when her name dropped off of the Who's Online section. I broke down and went to bed for a while.

This morning the EX boyfriend signs up as a new member and posts a thank you thread. While I don't mind the words, I just felt an email would have been better. This guy took care of her better than all the rest for the longest time. Jenn Jenn finally had the support she needed to watch her medicine intake and curb her alcohol intake. It's hard to reign in someone like Jennafer, especially when her life was indoors for the most part. Between her mental illness and phobias she couldn't do much. But then he got hooked on crack. That is so foreign to me. Who the fuck takes crack? I think of homeless druggies on the street, not full time job and house mortgage. He lost the house, the job and Jennafer because of his addiction... and it really hurt her. He wouldn't let her have both dogs, which sent her into a panic attack. I had to try and bring her down. It's the only time I heard Jennafer cry.

I emailed him to stop posting. He was bringing up old threads and writing about his love for her. He even said he was 'Jen's man'. No... you're her EX boyfriend. Fucker... I can't be too harsh, because I know he loves her. Jennafer had a way of picking some of the WORST guys, but they all loved her. My baby was a heart breaker. In the end NoChickTrix was and will always be Jenn Jenn's place. She told me she was paranoid that he was spying on her and even signed up under another name to hide from him. If she didn't want him around in life I was damn sure not going to allow it in death.

Here's the part where I'm an asshole. The guy's hurting. He's reaching out for guidance. He is searching for comfort. I just can't be that person. Instead of consoling him and giving him comfort I gently gave him the door. I have always been there for people. I've always been the type to put my feelings aside and take care of theirs. This time... I need everything I have just to keep going. I don't wish him ill will and I hope he finds the support he desperately needs to move on. It's just not going to come from me.

I called the florist today to order flowers for Jenn Jenn's funeral. I spent an hour chatting with this woman about the different arrangements, how bizarre balloons were on them and misreading 'Sympathy and Remembrance' as 'Sympathy and Resentment'. After fussing about carnations (they look chintzy) and smallish baskets I picked a floral bouquet with enough colors to blind you. I was tempted to send the cheesy basket with a teddy bear attached, just because I know Jenn Jenn would laugh at that. But I figured her parents... not so much. As much as the funeral is a last good-bye to her, it's a way of grieving for them and I wanted to be respectful.

I'm a bit of a mess right now. A dear friend died unexpectedly yesterday and I've been at a loss. She had a Grand Mal seizure while in the bath and drowned.

She had some mental problems and phobias that made her an outsider of many people. I just thought she was wonderful. She could light up a room with her giggle and her antics were a source of laughter to many. From teepeeing the inside of the house to blasting the Rocky Horror soundtrack while dancing around in her Time Warp boots. She also managed to get involved with some of the biggest losers, and many calls were about leaving him or getting back together with someone else. I tried my best to be supportive knowing that anything else would be a losing battle. Jenn Jenn was going to do what she wanted to do.

She called me the other week incoherent at about 5am. She left messages and I finally picked up and said I'd call her back. I tried getting a number but she told me 'you know it' hung up. It was the last time I would talk to her. It kills me that I never spoke to her again.

I've been talking to her aunt, which is comforting. I think it's good for her too. Last night I tried calling her parents and ended up calling her ex boyfriend instead. I spent twenty minutes listening to him scream, yell, cry and trying to console him. He said they were getting back together and she was at her mom's house getting ready to see him. He told me how much she spoke of me and that I was very important to her. It made me feel better and yet a little worse. In the end we don't always get the perfect last good byes and I have to accept that. I know she knows how much I care about her and it's going to have to be enough to help me move on.

We came home tonight and noticed four dead fish... making it a total of 6 dead in two days. I called the fish store and talked to the owner, who is very nice, and mentioned that the statue I got was peeling. I brought in a water sample and the statue just in case. Sure enough, one whiff of the statue and he knew what the problem was. Apparently food fell into the broken arm crack and rotted there. When I was cleaning the tank I bumped the statue and all that crap seeped out into the water, killing my YoYo Loaches and Rummy Nose Tetra. *sigh*

Now I have to try and stabilize the PH levels so I can get more fish. Oh and as for the statue? I trashed that sucker. Now I have to find another one. What a way to end the year. Bah!

I took my cat into be put to sleep yesterday. She hadn't eaten in 4 days and stayed in the same spot for a day at a time. When I tried to pet her she didn't even respond. You could tell she was in pain. I went into the room they have designated for this and sat on the couch. Ginger calmed down and leaned against me as I pet her. The doctor was awesome and cried the whole time with me. You could tell how much she cared about animals. I left two hours later, and still found it hard to drive.

Losing an animal that you treat like it's a part of your family is so painful. My boss, who has the compassion of a gnat when it comes to animals, told me I should have kept the money and done something for myself instead of having her in the hospital. I'm just thankful I had almost a month more to say goodbye and spoil her even more. I know she felt loved. Her pain is over... know it's time to take care of ours.

My large YoYo Loach died. :(I've had him for a while so it could just be old age. I felt bad for the little YoYo Loach though... It had snuggled close to him and just laid there. I thought it was dead to at first. *sigh* I can't wait to get more fish so it can have friends. I got two Tetras but it's just not the same. I think I'm going to the fish place to get my water tested and see what they suggest to move it along.

I'm so glad it's Friday. My boss was being a royal wench to me all day yesterday. I finally called her after she left on her mobile phone and asked if she was in a better mood yet. At least she calms down when I call her on it. :p