I am trying to get this poison out of my body. This negative emotion that keeps tearing away at me. This anger that keeps pushing down on me. This jealousy that keeps crushing me. It's so hard to. I don't have closure. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Considering the heavy dosage of PMS that managed to sneak up on me this week I don't think it would help at all. But there will be a point where I bury this weight that seems to be coming at me from all sides and making me feel like a punching bag. What I manage to suppress in my mind only comes out full force in my dreams. Last night I was up at 2am again, riding the stationary bike to try and tire myself out. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to think. Didn't want to worry. I didn't want to FEEL.

When I was younger I went to counseling after my dad died. I was angry. I had hate in my heart. I had tried to end my life and didn't even want to live. After being bounced around I found a counselor who managed to help me. She had me do something that ultimately released me from the anger and pain and moved me forward to where I am today. First she told me to close my eyes...

I am walking down a road. As I walk rocks kick up from beneath me into my hands. The farther I walk the larger the rocks becomes. Soon it is very large and very heavy. Up in the distance I see that the road splits. On the left side the ground becomes rocky. If I continue down this road the rock will become unbearable. The ground has dips and sharp rocks and I will fall. The right side is smooth and grass is growing. The grass grows taller and the road makes a sharp turn up a mountain. At the top I can see butterflies flitting about and hear birds chirping. I will not be able to climb the mountain with the rock in my hands. The rock is all of my emotions. The anger, the hate, the fear. While it seems like something everyone would want to be rid of, it's also a part of who I am. Now I am at the split in the road and must choose. The left side is what I am used to. The right side will be hard and I will fall at times. But in the end I will find the peace that I seek. Now I must decide... do I put the rock down forever? Do I let go of the hatred, and move on to happiness... or hold on to my past and follow a knowing path of more pain?

I remember visualizing myself putting down the rock. Tears streamed down my face. My mother, my family, people who abused me. I remember actually feeling the weight being lifted off of me. I've never looked back. I even found my way to the meadow above and relaxed while the butterflies flitted about. It took me a long time. I don't even want to think about where I would be if I hadn't met that counselor.

I know I'm not at the path yet. I can almost see it in the distance. There are some things I need to deal with (kick up into my arms) before I place this rock down. Soon I will come upon it and make a choice. *smiles* I look forward to laying in the cool grass again.

Comments

Post a comment