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« September 2008 | Main | November 2008 » October 31, 2008I Hate PollsRight now I am fighting off an electoral anxiety attack. The more time I spend staring at the polls and reading the CNN tickers the less calm I get. Obama's gaining ground, he's losing ground... the race is 'tightening'. I feel like I need a paper bag to breathe into. Time for a little electoral enlightenment. Right now CNN says Obama has 203 SAFE Obama electoral votes. He has 88 LEANING Obama votes. That's a grand total of 291votes. Obama needs 270 to win. Here's where it gets sticky. There are also 87 TOSS UP votes for grabs. Obama needs 67 more votes (not counting the leaning) to win. That's still one hell of a lot of votes needed. Now the McCain camp (boo! Hiss!). He has 121 SAFE McCain votes and 39 LEANING votes. That's a total of 160. He needs 149 more votes (not counting the leaning) to win. That's a whole fuckload of votes. To many people it's a no brainer. But that's not the way to think. What happens if he gets the leaning, toss up and a few surprise Obama states? We have four more years of Bush politics. People say they're voting Obama. They will wear the pins (given to them for free) and cheer him on from the sidelines. But come election day they figure they are too tired or the line is too long and decide that he's going to win even without their vote. That 'why bother' mentality is almost as bad as the 'of course I'm voting for the Black guy' one. People want to sound like they're hip and willing to cross the party lines to vote for change. But when election day comes they start feeling that guilt about letting the team down and vote for what's safe. Vote for what they know. CNN is talking about a possible late October surprise. That makes me nervous. It also makes me angry. Don't get me wrong... the candidate's character is important. But dirty politics in order to get votes leaves a bad taste in my mouth. They don't care that they aren't winning because people think they're the right choice. They don't care that their misinformation is getting them votes instead of people believing in them. Just get me in so I can be the President. That's what Bush did. That's what McCain is doing now. When a candidate does more to damage the other guy than show you what they are offering... it means they don't have dick to offer. Give me an exit plan. Give me a SOUND economical plan. Give me SOMETHING that shows you are interested in the American people and not the corporations. Their campaign spokesman is a guy who isn't even a licensed plumber and lied on national television about his wages, the fact that he had no immediate plans to buy the business and that said business doesn't even make $250,000 a year. How can you be behind someone that's not even willing to stand behind the people but will gleefully stand behind a farce? Ask yourself that on November 4th.
[keywords: stress election vote obama] October 30, 2008Oh Sure... That's SO Much BetterI met with a doctor today that wanted to 'brainstorm' over how to fix some issues that they are having. Her clinic keeps forgetting to put information in that is needed in order for me to process the admission. Her big solution? I do it. That's right... have me do their work. Instead of accepting that it's a training issue they want to dump the responsibility of filling out whatever is missing on me. Never mind that the information is at the clinic's fingertips. Never mind that the responsibility is SUPPOSED to be on the clinic to fill out the necessary information so that I can send it off completed. This is from the top down, not me. So after an hour of politely telling her to fuck off and get her clinic to do it she left stating that she was 'enlightened'. Oh I'm sure. By 'enlightened' she means she's going to go to her boss to try and get me to do it. I love my job, I really do. I'm just waiting til it gets busier so I can easily say the responsibility falls back on the clinic and they need to be trained. Right now it's slow enough to where it would seem like I'm nitpicking. I hate that even though I am totally in the right I have to dodge bullets because of the pace of the workload. The best part of the day? No Mr. Nosy. He's off until Tuesday. Woooooooo!
[keywords: Work coworkers] October 29, 2008The Drama Llama Comes to VisitYeah so I'm annoyed. Someone got their panties in a wad when I tried to clarify something using their post as reference. It was done so ONLY the people involved (that person included) would be able to view it. Everyone's been going through a harsh time so it's like walking on eggshells. Apparently I cracked one. So last night I had to deal with someone going off on me over something that was so simple... so benign... and so not snarky. It serves me right for trying to do something quickly. Blargh. Right now I have so much going on in my life it's tempting to just walk away. I love this group and all they can offer but the bullshit does get a bit too high. It's not as bad as before, thank goodness. I just wish I were in a better place to deal with it. With the number one priority being my relationship from now on I just don't want to waste anyone's time if I can't help. Cryptic much? Yeppers... I don't want to cause issues or start some sort of bitchfest. I just want to get this shit out and hopefully think through what the best course of action would be for myself and the group. Tonight Jake and I are going to watch the Obama infomercial and then tomorrow it's Obama on the Rachel Maddow Show. I would just LOVE to have gone to see him speak. His closing argument was uplifting and really gave me a positive feeling about the direction he could take our country. It's less than seven days and yet I am dying in anticipation for November 4th. We're both going to be a complete wreck that day... that's for damn sure. I'm so happy with how Jake and I have been. I feel a real connection between us. Even moreso than before. This weekend we tried watching a few movies together that I had thumbed my nose at before. I loved Casino Royale and can't wait for the next Bond movie. I felt guilty that I didn't like Superbad though. *sigh* I know that we are going to have movies that we don't like but I was really hoping to be able to enjoy this one. I just couldn't get past the overly angry character. :/ This Friday we're going to the Halloween Carnival again. I kind of wanted to dress up somehow but I have no idea what to wear. If I see some simple costume I might still go for it. Otherwise I'll be the official photographer and Jake will be the official eye candy. The boys just love him. *grins*
[keywords: jake drama relationship Sims2] October 28, 2008Money and JewelryLast night Jake and I were watching MSNBC and they played a bit where Palin bragged about her wedding band being something she bought for $35 in Hawaii. I turned to Jake and said, "Honey, I'll buy the band" and he jokingly said back, "For $35 I think I can swing it". It really got me to thinking. We've been slowly getting back on track and I feel like this time we're going well. I want to think about the marriage part but when it comes down to it... how much is the ring worth to me. That's where I'm at right now. There are so many beautiful rings out there... and my friend "E" had a wonderful idea. When she and her husband were married they settled for something they could afford with the promise that a nice ring would be bought on their anniversary. "D" made good on that promise and she has the ring I would dream of. But it's not worth waiting a year for. It's not worth making Jake feel like he can't save for himself too. So now I'm trying to compromise with myself about what I want VS what I REALLY want. And the beat goes on...
[keywords: jake relationship marriage] October 27, 2008SUPER Early PlanningJake and I already have a game plan for November 4th. All clothes are to be set out the night before. All lunches, etc... ready the night before. Everything needed for the day will packed and ready to go. Cellphones charged and back in the purse, ID ready, voters pamphlet and everything else will be ready. You'd think we were taking a trip to Europe. As over the top as it may seem... it's still something we need to do. The people in our neighborhood are early voters and there's no way I want to get stuck with the people who are voting after 5pm. Our volunteers, G-d bless them, are older than dirt and move slower than molasses. I want to be there right when the polls open and they are slowly pulling out the "I voted" stickers. I'd rather wait for them to get everything set up and be one of the first ones out than have to wait for the rest of the crowd and be there for an hour (or more). This last week is going to suck ass. I've been so nervous about the whole thing it's sick. Every news report sends me into a fit of giddiness... only to switch into uncertainty. The "What ifs" are killing me. The "New Hampshire" possibility makes me want to scream. I swear Jake and I are going to be sitting on the couch hyperventilating all night long on the fourth. It will be worth it if we will be celebrating on the fifth. *crosses fingers, eyes, toes and everything else I can cross with minimal pain*
[keywords: voting election] October 24, 2008Boo! Traffic, Boo!Last night was a bust. We didn't realize that the 405 was STILL closed from the fire and drove into a wall of cars everywhere. Ten minutes later we had managed to go four blocks over and three blocks down. After seeing the random drivers tearing around each other and acting like complete morons (not that this isn't an everyday occurrence) we decided to head home. Friday was spent trying to do anything but listen to Mr. Nosy read off lame parody descriptions for politics. I politely chuckled while screaming "SHUT UP" internally. After hitting back with any and all political news I could find he decided that anything was better than another round of Liberal sound bites. Score one for our side.
[keywords: traffic] October 23, 2008Movie Night(s)!This week is going to be filled with movie nights. Okay, maybe not filled... but it's two more than we normally do. Tonight we are going to see Slumdog Millionaire. Usually week nights we try to relax at home, but it's nice to be able to mix it up. I'll be dragging my ass to work tomorrow morning, but I'm sure it will be worth it. Tomorrow night we're going to meet up with some friends of Jake's and watch Let The Right One In. This is the movie I can't wait to see. Vampire movies FTW! Afterwards it's dinner and chat. Saturday we're going to visit my friend for her daughter's birthday. During the day it's just going to be family which sounds fun. Free food and a day of picking on each other. We've both grown up so much from high school... but some things never change. Then we high tail it out of there for parts unknown before the daughter's friends arrive. Friends are fun to hang out with. Kids... notsomuch. Hopefully on Sunday we'll be able to meet up with another friend from online for coffee and what should be some seriously chaotic conversation. If any of our discussions online are a sampling of things to come we should be chatted out before the day is over. *grins* So far things are going so much better between us. I know it's going to be a while before we're back to a comfortable spot, but I'm just glad to be able to feel somewhat at ease about our future.
[keywords: Movies Friends jake datenight] October 22, 2008Getting The Poison OutI am trying to get this poison out of my body. This negative emotion that keeps tearing away at me. This anger that keeps pushing down on me. This jealousy that keeps crushing me. It's so hard to. I don't have closure. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Considering the heavy dosage of PMS that managed to sneak up on me this week I don't think it would help at all. But there will be a point where I bury this weight that seems to be coming at me from all sides and making me feel like a punching bag. What I manage to suppress in my mind only comes out full force in my dreams. Last night I was up at 2am again, riding the stationary bike to try and tire myself out. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to think. Didn't want to worry. I didn't want to FEEL. When I was younger I went to counseling after my dad died. I was angry. I had hate in my heart. I had tried to end my life and didn't even want to live. After being bounced around I found a counselor who managed to help me. She had me do something that ultimately released me from the anger and pain and moved me forward to where I am today. First she told me to close my eyes... I am walking down a road. As I walk rocks kick up from beneath me into my hands. The farther I walk the larger the rocks becomes. Soon it is very large and very heavy. Up in the distance I see that the road splits. On the left side the ground becomes rocky. If I continue down this road the rock will become unbearable. The ground has dips and sharp rocks and I will fall. The right side is smooth and grass is growing. The grass grows taller and the road makes a sharp turn up a mountain. At the top I can see butterflies flitting about and hear birds chirping. I will not be able to climb the mountain with the rock in my hands. The rock is all of my emotions. The anger, the hate, the fear. While it seems like something everyone would want to be rid of, it's also a part of who I am. Now I am at the split in the road and must choose. The left side is what I am used to. The right side will be hard and I will fall at times. But in the end I will find the peace that I seek. Now I must decide... do I put the rock down forever? Do I let go of the hatred, and move on to happiness... or hold on to my past and follow a knowing path of more pain? I remember visualizing myself putting down the rock. Tears streamed down my face. My mother, my family, people who abused me. I remember actually feeling the weight being lifted off of me. I've never looked back. I even found my way to the meadow above and relaxed while the butterflies flitted about. It took me a long time. I don't even want to think about where I would be if I hadn't met that counselor. I know I'm not at the path yet. I can almost see it in the distance. There are some things I need to deal with (kick up into my arms) before I place this rock down. Soon I will come upon it and make a choice. *smiles* I look forward to laying in the cool grass again.
[keywords: Life memories relationship] October 21, 2008*Tee Hee*I have nothing to say today. That is, I have nothing I want to put down into print. The day I have nothing to say is the day they pull the plug. I can be such a chatty Cathy... and yet still not want to share. Chit chat til the cows come home... but the in depth shit stays within. Part of it is a hard lesson learned on what happens when you share too much and let people in too deep. I have a few close friends that really know who I am. Ironically they're all male and not into gossip. Maybe that's why I trust them. Also, they know how to give rational advice when I am anything but. There's still a lot on my plate right now, but it's getting better every day. I'm trying to get back into chatting with friends, going out with friends and finding that happy medium that Jake and I had. This weekend we are going to see my friend from Highschool and possibly another friend from work. It's nice to be able to travel, visit friends and then just veg at home. There are so many things I want to do together... but the main thing is just doing things together. I almost wish it were six months from now. In six months we should be back to normal. No worries. No big issues. No working through the daily routines of working to make it work. I know that any relationship is always a work in progress. But we used to be a well oiled machine. We were comfortable with just being with each other and whatever we did was bonus. Now I'm still feeling the gears as they move. It's not as bad as when Jake first came home, but there is definitely a motion that needs to be worked on. I'm trying to get back to the point were it's okay. Where any issues will be worked out in due time and I'm not going to worry because we have forever to work on them. *smiles*
[keywords: Friends jake relationship] October 20, 2008*Bows Head in Shame*I'm too nosy. I'm a little more than slightly jealous. Right now I'm insecure. These are the days of my life. Blah. I think a lot of the latter two is because of all that Jake and I have gone through lately. My emotions are still tender... and it's PMS week on top of it. So yeah, I need to crawl under a rock and just not look at anything. Today I had some free time and checked out my Facebook page. I did some major spammage and went to send Jake a random gift. One problem: I couldn't find the gifts I got him already. So now I'm annoyed and looking through his applications to find it and come across some singles type thing. Oh yes, that was JUST what I needed to see. So of course I worry. So of course I also know it's totally irrational. And yes, I still ask him about it. New rules are not to hold anything back, right? Anyway, he doesn't even know about the application and hasn't a clue about the icons. Another ridiculous situation that I've managed to get snagged into. But it doesn't help that I'm still feeling on edge. *sigh* At least Jake is level headed enough to recognize the symptoms and I am still rational enough to admit it and move past it. I may not be able to cure myself of PMS, but I can at least bring myself down. MOST of the time... that is.
[keywords: pms relationship emotions] October 17, 2008Work Much?My boss came by and tried to give Mr. Nosy some work to do. Talk about lazy! He has been sitting in this office for over a week and not lifting a fucking finger to do anything except surf the net and actually had the nerve to ask her if she needed it right away. My jaw dropped. She was more pleasant than I would have been under the same circumstances. After doing diddly squat for over four hours he finally turns to me and asks if I remember exactly what our boss told him to do. I was in shock. I smiled and simply said that I wasn't listening that closely since she was talking to him. Inside I wanted to scream. I want him out of this office so bad I am tempted to ask her. I probably won't just to keep the peace... but the itch is there. In other fabulous news an old coworker of mine was just hired to be my assistant. Rock on! They still have to do the background check, etc... but it's pretty much in the bag. It's been so long since I've seen them... it will be nice. Plus, I think I'll totally rock as a supervisor. Just do your job and everything will be just fine. *looks at time* W000t! time to go to the movies!
[keywords: coworkers] October 16, 2008Change in PlansApparently my spending spree the last couple of weeks put me in a bit of a bind. Not a bad one, but just enough to not be able to afford a nice hotel for a few days. *sigh* Luckily Jake loves me and is more than happy with my backup plan. Movies on Friday, Santa Barbara on Saturday and then Houston's on Sunday. W00000! Friday night Jake and I are going to dinner. Afterwards we're off to see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D at the El Capitan theater. I fucking love that place. The first time I saw that movie (sans the 3-D) was when it first came out at the El capitan. I remember a hilarious intro, so I am hoping for something similar. It will be nice to walk around together and just enjoy each other. On Saturday we're off to Santa Barbara to visit one of the Missions. I loved going there the last time so we should have a blast. Then Sunday, his birthday, I am hoping to take him to Houston's. That is, unless we think of another fun place to go. *grins* I am just so excited to be able to hang out and enjoy the different places together. I've been holed up in the apartment for far too long. Last night Jake and I watched the debate and he got to see a whole new side of me. The angry Democrat. The profanities flew as McCain sunk deeper and deeper into his old routine. After the initial bumps of him thinking I was miserable I explained that he hasn't seen me watch these sorts of things... but this is pretty normal. I remember as a child seeing my dad yell at the television while watching the game. He'd sit on that horrible brown leather couch and eat peanuts while yelling about how the umpire was an idiot. I'd usually say something like "Did they yell back, dad?" before getting the look. Either that or look at the peanuts that had fallen onto his hairy chest and say, "Saving for later, dad?". Sacrasm? *smiles* He taught me well...
[keywords: Politics jake memories couplism] October 15, 2008Laziness With the One You LoveIt's been so nice to just relax around the apartment with Jake. We really need this time to just get back into the swing of things. Right now we're still a little tense from all the past issues so I understand that it's going to take a while. But it's been so nice to sit at the table and have a meal together instead of at our desks or even spend time on the computer without any US time. I'm sure that we'll find a comfortable spot to have that space again, but right now is US time and that's really all that matters. We've started watching some television together too, which is nice. I really missed our date nights too. Right now every night is like one and I'm not complaining. It will also be nice to do some day trips and just get away from the apartment too. Couplism rocks. *grins* The time apart, while mentally and physically draining, was really what I needed. I had fallen into such a horrible depression in regards to our relationship and had become so lazy. You'd think all the years alone were memories from someone else. I was expecting Jake to do so much... and it was unfair. Now it's nice to have equal responsibilities and just help each other. I wanted to send a thank you to all my friends who helped me through this time. You literally talked me off of the edge and helped me to see where the problems were on my end. Thank you for listening to my rambling and crying... and for giving me the strength to move forward and hopefully into a much brighter future with Jake. *smiles*
[keywords: jake couplism] October 14, 2008Planning for the WeekendI want to get away for the weekend with Jake. Apparently that's easier said than done. I can't seem to find a place that's close enough to drive to or a decent enough price to stay at. *grumbles* Everywhere I've looked seems to be up north. No matter where I look, the place ends up being between six to eight hours away. That's too far for a weekend getaway. Airfare is too expensive and the hotels are so expensive that we'd be spending most of our time there. Hopefully something will pop up that is far enough away to relax but close enough away that we don't spend hours and hours on the road. *crosses fingers* The search continues.
[keywords: weekends] October 13, 2008Weekend O FunI'm still fighting the tail end of the head cold from hell... but that didn't stop me from having a great time with Jake. He decided to come home late Thursday night and I was more than happy to drive out there and pick him up. It's just so nice to have him back. We did a lot of talking (and some crying) this weekend and things seem so much better. There was also a whole lotta sex. I think that for the first time in a long while Jake and I have a clear idea of our future together. We decided it's going to be just the two of us for a while, which will be nice. There's a lot of ground still to cover and we both need to work on getting past this rough spot. Just because he's home doesn't mean it's all over and done with. We both need to work on getting to a point where we feel comfortable again, and I understand that it's not going to happen over night. The key is that we're together and moving forward.
[keywords: Health jake] October 09, 2008Twenty One YearsHow ironic that my 21st anniversary of working at UCLA is spent at home with a head cold from hell. I remember starting out nervous. I had volunteered at an old folks home as a teen, but this was a whole new level of care. Suddenly I was having to deal with people who were dying. People who were suffering. While my first few months were bumpy I loved it. I still do. Two weeks into the job I was asked to take a little old lady to the X-Ray department. I helped her into the wheelchair and we stopped by the desk so the nurse could give me the medical records. I heard her say "Oh no" in a little raspy voice and leaned over the wheelchair from behind to see. Her frail hand was held out and she was messing with the pic line. There was blood around it and her skin was so thin you could see the needle underneath. I fainted dead away. The nurse, who was walking up behind me to give the chart, caught me and laid me down. I remember waking up on the floor and begging them not to tell. I thought my short career was over. Luckily they didn't, but I questioned whether this was a wise place to be working... what with the needle phobia and all. I used to take my breaks and visit patients who were lonely. There was this one woman whose name escapes me that I grew fond of. She was dying of AIDs in a time where they were treated like outcasts. You had to enter their rooms with cover gowns, gloves and masks on. No one visited this lady. One day I walked by and she was crying. I came in and she said she just wanted someone to hold her hand. I put on the gloves and sat there as she wept. Then I cried. I spent a lot of time with her, just chit chatting. I remember the day I came in and her bed was made. I turned and the nurse, who had known we were talking, came up and placed her hand on my shoulder. I cried so hard.... Then the nurse reminded me that I helped her leave this earth less lonely. That she left with the memory of a friend. At the time it meant nothing. I knew she was dying. But in my ignorance I somehow hoped that my being there would change something. Anything. In the end it did. It changed me. This job became a career. I wasn't there to get a paycheck. I was there to help. I wanted to ease the pain. I remember the night I was chatting with a friend. She worked on the Ob Gyn ward. She went to check on a patient while I hung out at the desk. Suddenly I heard a cry for help. To my left and down a long corridor was the O elevator. I looked over and saw a man running with a pregnant woman in a wheelchair. At first it didn't register. I told him to slow down, thinking it was an expectant father. Then I noticed the blue smock. Volunteer. Wide eyed volunteer. I ran towards the wheelchair saying 'Don't push' in Spanish to the lady. I got as far as 'No empu...' before looking down. Her panties were pushed down and a head was forming. I yelled DON'T PUSH and made a sprint towards the wheelchair, then did a dive as the woman slid her hips forward and the baby came out. I caught it right before it hit the floor. It was gooey and had green all over it. Luckily there was no blood. I would have passed out otherwise. I heard rumbling behind me and saw a team of doctors and nurses running down the hall from the delivery room. I held the baby while they clipped the umbilical cord. It was awesome. I visited the couple in their room afterwards and they wanted to name the baby after me. They were a sweet young Hispanic couple who spoke little English. This was their first child. They asked me for my name and when I said, "Odessa" they both had this "Oh shit" look on their face. We stood in silence for a moment, then I added "But my middle name is Teri. Like Teresa." They both grinned and nodded to the nurse. Somewhere there's a little girl who's almost named after me. There are so many memories that have defined me. I know that there are people who hate their job and only go for the paycheck. Me? I go for what I can do. I go because 21 years later there's really no other job I'd rather be at. UCLA is my second home.
[keywords: Work ucla] October 06, 2008Stepping Back Into SocietyAfter 9/11 I stopped watching television. I unplugged the cable and stopped reading American news. I was disgusted. The sensationalism that had been happening was nothing compared to what that day brought on. No respect for human suffering. No respect for the dead. It was one big sweeps event, with each channel trying to outdo each other with pictures and video of people dying while trying to escape the fire. People dead on the ground. Replaying video of the planes as they hit the buildings as if it were a gag reel. I had enough. Over the years I kept up on the latest news by surfing the web. What I found is that American news were blips of static. Just enough noise to make you look, but nothing of substance. The stories were biased, the information was misleading and the news was missing many stories we needed to see. Fox news spoon fed the nation propaganda and lies, while the rest stood there silently. Seven years of learning about the truth from the outside also made me feel like an outsider. Television shows that people raved about I could only look up on the internet. Jake resorted to renting series and I lived for the snippits from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. After some deep thought I decided that it was time to bring the television back into play. A lot has changed since the days of the OJ trial and 9/11. Fox News was laughed at. The Daily Show opened peoples eyes to the irony and misinformation that was abound. More importantly I was curious. I wanted to step back into the televised discussion. I had decided that it was okay to watch the news as long as you know there are other options. I'm not expecting everything to be different. It will be more of the same on many stations. It will just be nice to see it in it's entirety instead of searching for parts 1, 2 and 3 online. Come tomorrow evening I'll be hooked back in to the televised world and see what it can offer. Go me!
[keywords: Life television] October 03, 2008I Think of YouThe rocking. Back and forth, back and forth. I sit in my chair like a child. I try to console, try to hold on. All the while I am slip slip slipping away. The tears. They're always there. Surfacing, subsiding, lingering... trickling down my cheek. The shaking. It only happens when I start to think that you're not coming home. That's when it's bad. Really bad. That's when I feel like my life is gone. That's when I see the light fading. The tunnel vision starts and blackness surrounds me. That's when I get scared and start calling friends. Every day I see something else I've done wrong. Every day I hate myself more and more. Every day I cry out, 'Please come home' to an empty room, hoping that you'll hear me. Hoping that you'll feel my pain and want to ease it. You needed time to think. I respect that. But it's killing me... Please come home. I want to make this right.
[keywords: Life jake love] |
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