I'm going to ramble so the time frames are probably off. One can only hold so much emotional baggage at a time. I tend to purge mine as often as I can and with it goes particulars such as dates, etc... Details are lost into the abyss, forgotten except for a few slight pains every once in a while when a memory collides with one forgotten.

My life has not been an easy one. Lets move past the childhood drama... and stop for a moment to the turning point of my life. My dad died when I was 13. He was my world. I was lost without him. I felt like I was in a freefall and did stupid shit... attempting suicide a few times and generally making an ass out of myself. Without him I felt like my life was over and I wanted to die. After finding a counselor that truly understood me I finally found some rocky ground. A few stumbles and some bumps and bruises later I came upon the road to my future and walked it... alone. Without my dad the family I had were like strangers to me. We each grappled to find some footing, just in different directions. My last real memory of my brother was when I was 16. I had tried so hard to stay in touch. He was young and angry that I left. After leaving each visit in tears my then boyfriend finally sat me down and said I couldn't continue to do this to myself. I needed to let go and let him come to me. I had one last meeting where I told him that I loved him but wouldn't be coming back. That he could always reach me, but I couldn't continue to reach out like this. When I left I felt like my family died. And really... they did. My sisters and I were never close. I won't even go into the other family members.I saw family members a few more random times (movie parking lot, etc...) and at age 19 I finally severed all ties. It was after a wedding, believe it or not. I had talked to my older cousin and she invited me to go to her wedding. I took a chance. I was so nervous it was sick. My younger cousin picked me up and I tried to fit in. The memories overwhelmed me. After sitting behind a couple of Jewish women gossiping about me of all things (you gotta love the old biddies) I said I wanted to leave. My younger cousin refused to drive me and I hitched a ride, never to see them again. Any of them. I tried to talk to my brother and even wrote a long letter while he was in Desert Storm. No response. I moved on.

A few years back I got a call from my older sister. She started asking me all sorts of odd questions. One was 'What do I tell people when they ask if you have family?' I told her the truth. I say I was orphaned. Mom signed off all rights to me long before I became an Emancipated Minor. I carried the paper around as I moved. Except for the two weeks that I stayed with her before I was emancipated (boy that was fun) she washed her hands of me legally and as far as I knew emotionally. She asked to get together and I said as long as she understood it wasn't for anything else. I had no interest in getting back with that family. I had moved on. At the time I was on the defense from some of her questions and didn't understand why she popped up to ask them years later. What she failed to tell me was mom was having or had surgery to remove her eye which had a tumor in it. A few months later I got another call... from my brother. Mom had died. Years of anger. Years of trying to forget. Years of stumbling over explanations and spending holidays alone. In the end I was left wondering if I would have placed my feelings aside for at least one last call. I never got the chance.

Yesterday I checked my email and saw a friend request from Facebook. It was my brother. He said, "Hey there was wondering if you wanted to start the process of trying to be a complete family again. I think enough time has passed that we all should give it a shot." I sat there in shock. I didn't know what to say. I clicked on his profile and saw a picture of him and his baby. He looked so much like dad. I cried. Then I responded quickly (I had someone in the room) and left it at that. Last night Jake and I were laying down and spoke about it for a while. His beautiful wife, how much he looked like dad (Jake saw it right away) and his beautiful baby girl. Then I looked at him and said, "Oh wow. That means I'm an aunt." *smiles*

Comments

Diva,JOOWISH,Odessa: I've thought about sending you a comment before, after(for the hell of it)clicking on your site here. I saw it on Insimenator. You were one of the first to greet me when I posted my introduction there. For the past few weeks I have been following your life (wow!) and found myself checking here the last 4 days wandering whats next!
Then tonight, I found myself shedding a tear for someone I don't even know...so HEY, my name is John, hang in there babe!

Hey John! *hugs* You're so kind! Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciated them. *grins*

You're pretty damn awesome for having been able to get through all of that in the first place.

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