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« August 2008 | Main | October 2008 » September 30, 2008WishesEvery time I blew the candles out
[keywords: jake] September 29, 2008Don't... JumpSometimes a relationship hits a bump. Sometimes it hits a fucking wall. Right now I'm in the face-plant position and trying to get my wits. I've been lazy. I've been neglectful. I've been feeling depressed/jealous and not talking with Jake about it. This weekend it all came out and now we are at a point where I feel like I'm in a freefall. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is the love of my life and the reason for living is hurting and I caused it. He admits his part of the neglect. But in the end it's not about pointing fingers and one upping each other. It's about working with what we have to either save it... or move on. Honestly I don't know how I'd survive. Hell, I don't know how I survived this weekend. It was like my world was pulled from under my feet and I was falling into some black pit of despair. I couldn't see which way was up and had no one to physically grab hold of to slow down the feelings. The past four years I gave my heart, soul and life to someone and then took him for granted. I ate, slept, breathed him. But when it came down to really recognizing how much he meant to me I failed. Now I'm lost and don't know what to do. My reason for living is gone and I'm just trying to make it through the day. A friend said to look in the mirror and tell yourself "You will be okay". I tried and all I could say is... Don't jump.
[keywords: relationships] September 26, 2008SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPOh G-d. These interviews are going to kill me. I feel like Murphy Brown and these applicants are the quirky assistants that she couldn't stand. Today's applicant showed up at the door wearing a pink sleeveless shirt, short skirt and sunglasses on the top of her head. Her hair... oh my. There were about three inches of root before the bright pink hit, which was not brushed and shoulder length. Her tongue was pink. Her face had piercings... all over. She topped it off with a thick Hannah Montana pen. Petty? Maybe. But who brings a big pen with a Disney character on it to an interview? This interview was the polar opposite of the first one. She started off by apologizing because she had just had her braces tightened and wouldn't be able to talk much. HAH! By the end I had visions of large objects falling on her just to shut her up. She then spoke about her four kids and how she'd need to take off for them, etc... Each question she answered lasted ten minutes, complete with wild gestures and a constant clicking of her extra long nails. At one point she started talking about one job at the VA. Mr. Snoopy asked her about that and she got real emotional, going on about how badly they are treated, that they died so we have our freedoms (even though she was treated living people) and starting crying. That's right.... crying. In an interview. Awkwaaaard. Every question Mr. Snoopy asked made me want to smash his face in. I had had enough 15 minutes into the 45 minute interview. My phone rang and I literally flew out of my chair to get it. I didn't even care how obvious it looked. It was my boss. A few minutes of chit chat (that I was happy to drag out) and she asked me about the day. I mentioned that we were conducting an interview, then whispered "Thank......you" into the phone. She burst out laughing. We chatted some more before I had to slowly make my way back into hell. By this time Miss Motor Mouth was telling Mr. Snoopy how she preferred working alone. She then went on to talk about how she hated working with other people and how they tend to get into her business. Ten minutes later I was trying to wrap it up without wrapping a chair around her neck. Seriously... this woman brought up major violent impulses. After she left we went back to my office and just stared at each other, enjoying the momentary quiet. Then the laughter started. I don't care how bad it sounds. I laughed my ass off. She was sweet, nice and had a great personality. There's no way in hell she was going to work with me.
[keywords: Work coworkers interview] September 25, 2008*Stomp Stomp Stomp*Yesterday I had to kick some butt with one of the departments. Apparently they didn't get the memo (HURR HURR) regarding the changing in protocol when it came to my department. Instead of ONE email I had to deal with six. This is the second day in a row that I've had to answer the exact same questions. Not one person wanted to talk to me on the phone. Nor did they ask for clarification when it came down to me telling them shit has changed. A twenty minute process took four hours and the patient went elsewhere. I was not amused. Ironically this department is handled by the same twit that cock blocked me from the start, telling me that my job was redundant and unnecessary. After paging the manager I waited two minutes... then sent a reply CCing the Big Wig over the hospital. She sent an email feigning knowledge that the process was finalized. I big my tongue and let the BBs handle it. Today emails are flying and all I want to know is what needs to be done so that I can get a patient in quickly. Mr. Snoopy is finally letting me take charge (after I corrected him on a few things). He started calling himself my manager (NO) and that he was managing my department (HELL NO). Yesterday we interviewed a twit and afterward he started saying he liked her. *blink* I walked into the interview and he had just asked er a question. Her response was, "Oh gosh... Iiiii.... I dunno." I almost choked. Fifteen minutes later I was practically throwing them both out the window. Her HUGE projects consisted of stocking six doctors examination rooms and keeping a schedule. For ONE doctor. She was fresh out of high school, answered questions with one to two word responses and sat there with a blank expression on her face when we asked for references. After verbally snapping my fingers in front of her face she said she had one. Her High School math teacher. She even had his number on her cell phone (enter the mental snickering to the tune of Police's song). We thanked her and then retreated for a pow wow. After his 'I like her' bit I weighed in with my comments. She's unable to form answers or express any responses other than "Gosh, I dunno". Her insurance knowledge consisted of copying insurance cards and faxing them to billing. Her medical terminology after six years was 'That really huge needle that goes into your heart' and 'that thing you tape on the wall in case someone faints'. After pointing out the obvious he agreed that she wasn't for us. Thank fucking G-d. Today our applicant called late (not a good sign) and then we had to cancel. We moved it to next week which is good, since the person I have in mind can't come in before the 3rd. We have another interview this afternoon, which should be interesting. I just hope this person knows how to form a complete fucking sentence.
[keywords: Work coworkers] September 23, 2008She Fumbles... She Recovers... Touch Down!And the crowd goes wild. My first admission was today. So of course it was an out of ordinary one... and of course all the information wasn't entered. And yeah, the nosy guy (Mr. Snoopy) decided that he's going to start making rules. After he looked up the missing information we both fumbled about exactly what needed to be done. He agreed that calling my boss would be the best thing to do. WRONG! She was in a meeting and a tad (READ: majorly) stressed. She snapped at me (still nothing compared to the old boss but still...) and shot off some comment about hoping I wouldn't be contacting her about all the patients. Then she said I should be asking Mr. Snoopy for help. I informed her that I had and he agreed that contacting her was best. After getting off the phone I was sooo not happy. I pitched a mini fit (not cool) and tears ran (even more not cool) before regrouping and getting the information needed. A few minutes later my boss called back apologetic. That made me feel a lot better. I totally understand being stressed out. It's just nice that she was able to admit it and actually apologize. She did this three more times. You'd think she was Jewish with the amount of guilt she had... and really it was nothing. I was more annoyed that I was expected to do the first tough one without any help... and then when I followed protocol it turned out no one else new about the new rules. Yay. In the end the patient was taken care of, I set some boundaries with Mr. Snoopy regarding my job and understood the issues that we have to work on. Now if I can only get him to stop looking over my shoulder.
[keywords: Work coworkers] September 22, 2008Stepping Up to the PlateFriday was interesting. First I had a woman walk into my office and say her department would like me to come down the hall and describe my job in detail to them. WTF!?! I know I'm not at an MSO level, but you would think they would be more courteous then to expect me to just walk into a meeting unprepared. Especially with the specialists she works for. Apparently they are the whiniest, most demanding doctors of all the practices. So I balked. First I said I would like to have had some notice to see if my boss wanted to come. Then the guy who sits with me added 'Oh, and they haven't even given out instructions yet'. To that the woman said, 'Okay, I'll just tell them you haven't started'. Whoa whoa whoa... Back the adding things in my mouth train up. From there it was a polite pissy match with me saying that we ARE accepting patients, but the offices just haven't gotten notification. Then I agreed to go down. The meeting went well and I managed to answer the barrage of questions thrown at me. It was like dodging bullets. In the end they thanked me and I walked back, feeling pretty damn good about how I handled it. Later on I called my boss to ask some questions regarding the meeting I have on Monday (today). I mentioned the on the spot meeting and how I had said she might want to come. Bad move. She said that I should be able to do these things without her. She was right. I apologized and she backed off, saying there was no need to. That she was mentoring me to this position. I wanted to tell her that it's tough with all the rule changes, but I couldn't. Instead I moved on and told her about how I handled it and the issues I wasn't sure about. To that she said the woman who came in to get me said I did an excellent job and the doctors probably suggested I come in when they ran out of things to whine about. I can only imagine what else she told my boss, but whatever. It was definitely a learning experience. I just need to step up and get my ass out there. I've taken on another Sims2 site to moderate. I just hope I can spread myself around. I don't want to spend so much time online (which I have been) simply policing sites. I'd like to also spend time with Jake and play the game. In that order. I think once things settle down I can find a balance. Right now I'm so stressed from work that balance is like a seesaw. Soon... It'll be better soon.
[keywords: Work] September 18, 2008Oh No You Dint'So the guy who I am training that seems to have an issue taking notes (he claims his writing is too sloppy, etc...) gave our boss the impression I didn't correctly train him because I didn't stand over him and tell him what to do. He is in a MUCH higher position than I am, so this is just bullshit. She came in grumpy (still nothing compared to my old boss) telling me he won't learn unless he does it. WTF!?! He's been doing it. Although he got bitchy when I told him he had to look up the doctors himself instead of shouting out to me to see if they were ours. Anyway, now I have to stand over him while he does it like a little kid. What a joke. The final meeting regarding my position is tomorrow. That means next week it should get busy. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I've waited so long to do this, and now I have to make sure everything goes right. They'll be eyes standing over me to see that there aren't mistakes and eyes hoping there will be. *sharpens pencils* To the latter I say back off... I've got great aim.
[keywords: Work coworkers] September 17, 2008Meeting New peopleIn two weeks I'm going to meet another online friend. I'm really looking forward to it, too. Everyone is always so afraid to bridge the online friendships to real life relationships. The 'what if' factor is tossed out as if everyone's a psychopath. I have visions of Jason Voorhies typing on the keyboard with a bloody ice pick while bits of flesh and blood flick up on the screen as he types "OMG! U R SO DEAD!!!1!11" I try to talk to people on a personable level. There's so much to learn in this world and the only way to do it is ask. I've met people who felt the need to bullshit their way through cyber space, but luckily those instances were few and far between. For the most part I've gotten to know some pretty awesome people. A few assholes here and there... but that happens offline as well. It's amazing how people who come up with all sorts of random violence that started online and yet not even blink when something happens to someone who met face to face first. The 'no way she/he could have known' factor turns into 'they should have been more careful' as soon as the online factor is mentioned. It's as if you are given a pass if you met the person first. Yeah, because that's how it works. Just look at Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy. oh wait... they met their victims offline too. Whoops!
[keywords: Friends online Sims2] September 16, 2008Define SuccessTo some happiness is family, to others its freedom. Some find happiness within their career and others with their friends. My dad once told me that it doesn't matter what you do in life. You can be the head of a company or the janitor. If you do your job to the best of your ability then you are a success. He also told me that you had to like your job. This coming from a man who'd been the owner of a track team, a restaurant, a bike shop, a carpet shop and was going to switch careers again when he died. Ironically the fear of not being financially okay kept me at my current employment. the benefits alone were hard to find in the outside world without taking a risk. My dad took risks. Me... I've been too chicken. That "what if" factor always held me back. This past year I took a risk. Not a large one... considering I am still with UCLA. But a risk in that I left a pretty cushy job to take on a new one... and help build it from the ground floor up. The first few months have been nerve wracking for me. The uncertainty was killing me. No solid job duties and so much political tape you'd think I was running for President. In the movie Parenthood they show a scene where the two characters are on a roller coaster. One is laughing at all the dips and curves while the other is terrified of the movement. Suddenly the terrified character looks over and sees the other laughing. They finally get it. It's the dips and the curves that make life exciting. So true....
[keywords: Life Work] September 15, 2008The Need for PrivacyI have had someone in my office training to be my backup for over a week now. So far he's taken one line of notes and asked me the rest... every single day. I'm trying to be polite but it's really getting to me. Add the fact that he feels the need to pop over to my side of the desk every ten minutes to see what I'm typing... yeah, my last nerve is dangling. He's the nicest guy, so I don't want to be rude. I am also counting the days until he feels as if he's been trained enough and moves on. Part of me thinks that he's here because my boss doesn't have any other assignment for him. Oh joy. Oh rapture. My office is a dumping ground. At least it's getting me ready for having my assistant. I was really enjoying the privacy, but I've been trying to force myself out of that mindset. If I hire the person I am thinking of it still should be pretty nice. They're super quiet and prefer to keep to themselves. That's a plus in my book!
[keywords: Work] September 12, 2008Hoo BoyI'm going to ramble so the time frames are probably off. One can only hold so much emotional baggage at a time. I tend to purge mine as often as I can and with it goes particulars such as dates, etc... Details are lost into the abyss, forgotten except for a few slight pains every once in a while when a memory collides with one forgotten. My life has not been an easy one. Lets move past the childhood drama... and stop for a moment to the turning point of my life. My dad died when I was 13. He was my world. I was lost without him. I felt like I was in a freefall and did stupid shit... attempting suicide a few times and generally making an ass out of myself. Without him I felt like my life was over and I wanted to die. After finding a counselor that truly understood me I finally found some rocky ground. A few stumbles and some bumps and bruises later I came upon the road to my future and walked it... alone. Without my dad the family I had were like strangers to me. We each grappled to find some footing, just in different directions. My last real memory of my brother was when I was 16. I had tried so hard to stay in touch. He was young and angry that I left. After leaving each visit in tears my then boyfriend finally sat me down and said I couldn't continue to do this to myself. I needed to let go and let him come to me. I had one last meeting where I told him that I loved him but wouldn't be coming back. That he could always reach me, but I couldn't continue to reach out like this. When I left I felt like my family died. And really... they did. My sisters and I were never close. I won't even go into the other family members.I saw family members a few more random times (movie parking lot, etc...) and at age 19 I finally severed all ties. It was after a wedding, believe it or not. I had talked to my older cousin and she invited me to go to her wedding. I took a chance. I was so nervous it was sick. My younger cousin picked me up and I tried to fit in. The memories overwhelmed me. After sitting behind a couple of Jewish women gossiping about me of all things (you gotta love the old biddies) I said I wanted to leave. My younger cousin refused to drive me and I hitched a ride, never to see them again. Any of them. I tried to talk to my brother and even wrote a long letter while he was in Desert Storm. No response. I moved on. A few years back I got a call from my older sister. She started asking me all sorts of odd questions. One was 'What do I tell people when they ask if you have family?' I told her the truth. I say I was orphaned. Mom signed off all rights to me long before I became an Emancipated Minor. I carried the paper around as I moved. Except for the two weeks that I stayed with her before I was emancipated (boy that was fun) she washed her hands of me legally and as far as I knew emotionally. She asked to get together and I said as long as she understood it wasn't for anything else. I had no interest in getting back with that family. I had moved on. At the time I was on the defense from some of her questions and didn't understand why she popped up to ask them years later. What she failed to tell me was mom was having or had surgery to remove her eye which had a tumor in it. A few months later I got another call... from my brother. Mom had died. Years of anger. Years of trying to forget. Years of stumbling over explanations and spending holidays alone. In the end I was left wondering if I would have placed my feelings aside for at least one last call. I never got the chance. Yesterday I checked my email and saw a friend request from Facebook. It was my brother. He said, "Hey there was wondering if you wanted to start the process of trying to be a complete family again. I think enough time has passed that we all should give it a shot." I sat there in shock. I didn't know what to say. I clicked on his profile and saw a picture of him and his baby. He looked so much like dad. I cried. Then I responded quickly (I had someone in the room) and left it at that. Last night Jake and I were laying down and spoke about it for a while. His beautiful wife, how much he looked like dad (Jake saw it right away) and his beautiful baby girl. Then I looked at him and said, "Oh wow. That means I'm an aunt." *smiles*
[keywords: family memories] September 08, 2008Not My ProblemApparently the server issue is no one's problem. MT insists it's a server issue. My server management company says it's s script issue. I haven't even tried going back to my host who doesn't know why the issue is happening. Back to MT support. Riiiiight. I like MT, I really do. The look, the ease, everything. What I DON'T like is that their free support is basically a 'you get what you pay for' deal. I'm not pointing fingers. I don't know who to even start with. All I want is a blog that works with comments that work too. I understand my server management company's frustration. They can't find the issue and the developers aren't saying anything. I'm going to try again to see what I can do with the MT people... but at this rate it looks like I may be searching for another software and asking all the people on my server to do the same. I have no choice. Meanwhile I am so nervous about tomorrow and Wednesday I could faint. I have two HUGE meetings back to back on Tuesday officially announcing my duties to all the big wigs in my department, then starting Wednesday I finally start my doing what I was hired to do. Of course then I have to take off to see if the abscess it better or if I need surgery. GAH! I've been pestering the Oral Surgeon's office to see if there were any cancellations... but no such luck. At least my mouth doesn't hurt as bad. *knocks on wood*
[keywords: Health MT server] September 03, 2008Don't Mind Me...We're *trying* to still fix whatever keeps screwing up on the server. There are times people can't log into their blogs or post comments. Right now I can log in and post (duh). The comments are still giving 500 ISE (Internal Server Errors). Since there seems to be some confusion on what the difference is between an ENTRY and a COMMENT I am going to list it here: ENTRY: You are reading it right now. You sign into the Posting section and click New Entry. This is not a problem *crosses fingers* COMMENT: At the bottom of this ENTRY on the main page (what you are viewing now) you will see the word "COMMENTS (0)". The number "0" means no comments have been posted. Click on COMMENTS (0). This will take you to the COMMENT section. From there you add your name, email/website and any comment you would like. Once you click POST it is supposed to post the comment. Unfortunately people who try are getting a 500 ISE. Please let me know if you have any questions. *crosses fingers, toes and eyes that this clarifies everything*
[keywords: Maintenance blog server] |
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