Anoyed. Grumpy. Not happy. Almost... Emo. *shudders* I want, I want, I want... and then there are the expectations. I've been lazy. I've been dependent. And most of this is aimed at my boyfriend of three years. It isn't happening. I don't feel secure. I'm writing in disjointed sentences like some first year poetry student. Bah!

Here's the deal. I've never been in a relationship over a year without thinking it was going somewhere. Why bother? You end up spending time with someone you're NOT going to marry and getting emotionally attached. My last relationship was a trainwreck. Good moments, bad ending. In the end it wasn't worth it for either of us. This one... I wanted to... I WANT to be it. I love Jake more than I've ever loved anyone. My sun rises and sets around him. I can't think of anytime throughout the day where he isn't on my mind, even if in a small way. There are a lot of things we could be doing better. We SHOULD be doing better. I need to work on me and he needs to work on himself. The problem is... right now we're not doing anything. If he were out on his own he would be fine. He'd learn to save, learn to get credit, start getting credit. He'd make choices he doesn't have to. Not with me here.

The drinking last night freaked me out. He ISN'T an alcoholic. He doesn't drink to excess and is a light weight when it comes to alcohol. I've got this hangup with drinking on work nights, which he did last night. When I asked him if he had been drinking he said no. Later on I asked again, adding "I know you wouldn't lie to me so I don't know why I'm asking" and he fessed up to doing it. My heart sank. It's silly. It's nothing. And yet right now it's just killing me. Oh and before you ask, I'm not due to PMS for another week and a half.

I want to move forward. I need to see something. ANYTHING that shows me he's ready for the next step in our relationship. Hell, that he even wants it. But it's not something you can ask for. If I have to ask then I already know the answer. I'm going to turn forty in two months and be single forever. *sigh* My G-d... this really is a midlife crisis.

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