It's that time of the year again. Time to start panicking about bills. Every year I do the same fucking thing. Come mid March my tax refunds come in and everything is hunky dory. I have extra money in the bank, bills are paid off and all is well in the Odessa/Jake household. A few years back I made some major computer upgrades with my refund and the money dissipated. But for the last two years I haven't done jack shit with it. Yet somehow the money still ends up gone by the new year. A few months back I decided to take a large chunk of it and put it into a online savings account. The interest rates blew my local bank out of the water so I couldn't resist. Still... I kept some in the checking for emergencies. No emergencies happened and here I am, panicking. I have money in savings. It's not like I'm down to the wire. But if I am ever going to move out of this shitty little apartment and into something nice I have to forget those accounts even exist. I think it's the idea that I can't just go out and buy something for two weeks. I can't pay any bills (except rent) and it's going to be tight. I worked hard not to live like that. It was something I did a long time ago and still cringe when I think about it. Robbing Peter to pay Paul and begging Mary for an extension.

My other issue is that I look to Jake and want to start grilling him on his finances. Truth is, I'm afraid I'll never move forward and it kills me to think about it. I don't want to live like this. I want to be comfortable. I'm not talking rich, just enough to be able to eat out when we like and buy a video. I want my sites to work. I want to travel. I want to see my friends in Georgia. Little things that are just out of my reach right now and it's killing me.

Then there are the big things. Marriage. I want a ring. A nice ring. My friend and I talked about this earlier in the week and she said that engagement rings are pointless. I disagreed. Not just on the traditional meaning of the ring, that it signifies commitment, but that it also proves he is able to save up for something he really wants. You save for what you want. No excuses, no 'next week'. If you want it then no one has to remind you to do it. I don't want to ask about if he's been saving up because any answer but 'yes' would kill me.

Money makes me crazy.

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