I tried. I really did. I spent my whole life with this sinking feeling of just not fitting in. Always on the outside. Always seeing what I wanted but without the tools to get them. This time it cut deep. This time it sent me in an out of control spin into a deep depression and the only way I was able to catch my breath was to block, hide, restrict and ignore. Today I made the mistake of looking and everything flowed in. All the pain. All the feelings of not being able to be a part of it. It's just too much. I don't have the tools to get in and I don't have the strength to walk away.
My life is currently in limbo. Plans, goals, dreams, desires... all on a shelf. I've set everything aside to simply exist my way through these seemingly endless corridors of uncertainty and disappointment. There are so many choices that I've made with in the past few years that has made me weaker. My hopes of something that never panned out. The need of something that wasn't there to begin with. Most of the time it's not even something I can explain as to why it failed. Sometimes, though... sometimes it was something I should have never ventured forward to test. Now comes the hardest part. Realization of what needs to be done so that I can move forward. This is a first baby step. I've been holding in so many emotions that it's worn me down. My health, my emotional state... they've taken such a beating. Internally I'm shredded, so it's time to start bringing the emotions out where I can deal with them. I'm not even talking about goals yet. Just the recognition that something needs to change and I am almost to the end of the intermission zone. Life is about to be kick started... somehow.
Sometimes I feel the urge to just disconnect. Break free of it all and just crawl deep inside and not let anyone in. Anyone… I feel myself starting to pull towards that already. It’s lonely and yet a sense of peacefulness resides there. No disappointments. No feelings of being not good enough. I lived my life on the loner side. I met people, helped them whenever I could and then… I don’t know. Something stopped it from continuing. I wished them well and moved on. I’ve always been the newest person of a group, which makes feeling as if I’m a part of them an uphill battle. Everyone has memories, inside jokes and mutual friends that make me feel like I’m the third wheel. I was great for when someone is sick, but never the first one on speed dial. I got used it through out the years. I enjoyed the moments of friendships and of relationships. When the time came to end things I simply walked away. No hard feelings. Thanks for the memories. I went back to my routine and when someone new came along I welcomed them with open arms.
A few years back something changed. I can’t really pinpoint it. All I know is the people in my life mattered. I wanted to fight to stay in their lives. The problem was… the relationships didn’t seem different. Still the third wheel. Still someone who was praised about being kind, yet forgotten as easily as the person who opened a door when you were rushed. The fact is… I have yet to be special to anyone. Not saying this in a mopey/whiny/pityparty way; simply stating the facts. Feeling the loneliness. Feeling the rejection. It’s something I never really dealt with. I keep being told to find someone. Do stuff. But really… it’s just another person to make me feel this way. I wish I could get back to the old me. Remove the need. Remove the want. Simply move through life and enjoy who shows up and smile when I think of the memories once they’ve gone.
Why? I'm tired of being halfway in someone's life. I'm tired of being someone who they can't be bothered to talk to unless it's convenient. I spent my life as the person who reached out. The person who accepted not being reached out to. The bottom line is I'll always be on the outside. I'll always be the last minute invite. It's just the way it is. The only question is how do I want to live the rest of it, knowing how it feels to want to be in the inside. Do I want to keep looking in, or simply stay in my home and enjoy being by myself?
Friday I gave in to all the peer pressure *looks at Michelle and Jaime* and went to get a new phone. My New Every Two was already past, but I wanted to see if there was going to be a new Windows7 phone offered before I made my decision. October came and went, but no W7. Like anything I want to get it came with months of fretting over the best one and driving my friends batty with questions. I researched, asked and finally went for the Just Do It method of mentally flipping a coin. My last phone (the Palm Pre Plus) ended up being a piece of crap. The buttons didn't work on the chat pad and the phone would shut off if I opened it too quickly. I also had to resort to sticking a piece of paper between the Battery and the phone so it would stay on. Yeah... definitely not a phone I'd suggest to anyone.
Friday night I got in my car and decided that I'd drive by the local Verizon store. It's usually jammed with customers and there's no parking, which made me drag my feet even more. I told myself I'd go in if I found parking. Guess what I found right out front. Ha! I went in and was greeted by a woman who pointed to two guys who would help me. One seemed really nice and the other was like a used car salesman. So of course I was stuck with slimy dude.
Me: "Hi. I am trying to decide between two phones. Let me explain my reasons so you can help me. It's between the 4SiPhone and Windows7. I..."
SD: "You want the 4S."
Me: ".... Let me give my reasons for both. I'm a gamer. I..."
SD: "Oh yeah? He's a gamer too!" *points to Nice Dude* Hey! She's a gamer!"
Me: ............. "Can I just see both phones. I wa..."
SD: "The W7 isn't even on display anymore. He has one, though."
After wishing for some sharp object to shank SD with I ask to see the W7 phone and ask ND what he thinks. He lets me check out the phone, saying he'd prefer the 4S. unfortunately he was helping someone so I was left with SD to ask questions. Basically he didn't know shit so we'll just skip that. After residing myself to the fact that the 4S is going to be the phone I want I start explaining what my needs are for it. You know... like adding my favorite ring tone.
SD: "Oh no. You can't do that. Apple is VERY strict on their phones. No, you won't be able to buy it either."
ND: "Actually... you can. There's a simply app that costs 99 cents. You just put the MP3 in it, save it and use it."
SD: "Oh. There you go."
I asked him one other thing that he knew dick about before saying, "Yeah. I'm going to go talk to the Windows7 dude. Thanks." and ditched his ass. I spent 40 minutes talking to ND about the phones and which one would ultimately be best. 4S won out in the end. After picking my phone color (black) and case (hot pink) we went to sign paperwork. I will have to redo all my contacts by hand (oh joy). He handed me the bag and I reached in, ready to see the new phone.
Me: "Uhhhhh. It's not in here."
ND: "Oh. It will have to be shipped to you. They have a tentative date of December 8th to ship."
After all that I STILL don't have a new phone. Yet....
Sometimes the toughest thing to deal with is not knowing. This past month has been a rough one for me. It started with feeling dizzy and faint. After ignoring the warning signs once again I almost passed out at work. A few days of rest is what I prescribed for myself. I’ve been my own doctor for quite some time. I diagnose my symptoms and move on, even though I have a perfectly fine doctor to do this for me. When I wasn’t getting better I finally went to my doctor for labs. The next day I was back at work and holding onto the desk to try and stop the sensation of spinning. A doctor came in and checked my blood pressure. When that was normal she asked to look at the labs. I remember her facial expression as she turned to me and said, “I’m admitting you right now and calling your doctor.” It was the first time in a long while that I was actually afraid. A quick Tweet to let everyone know where I was going and off I went to admissions.
I was probably the classic worst patient/best patient scenario. Everyone came in to hang out in my room. Each time someone new entered they looked around, asking who the patient was. I refused to get into the gown, expecting a quick transfusion. I sat on the couch and tried texting to keep my mind off of things. My doctor came in and said that I needed more than one transfusion. I was originally told I would be home by 9pm. Another one meant three more hours. I said fine, that I’d leave after that. I think my doctor wanted to strangle me. “Just stay the night”. I couldn’t imagine staying over night, being ‘the patient’. The walk of shame the next morning as colleagues came in… and the look of ‘hasn’t been home… why’ was too much. When the second doctor arrived, she assured me that it wouldn’t be that long. I asked her to write a discharge order ‘just in case’. I figured I could deal with the wrath of my doctor after sleeping in my own bed.
The Phlebotomist arrived and took out my good vein on my one arm. Afterwards they went through my other and I was stuck with an IV in my hand. The transfusion was painful enough, but three hours each of that pain brought me to tears. Afterwards the nurse came in with something for my sodium (can’t remember the name). It would tack on another hour. It was already 2am. She started it and said, “Okay, this is going to have a burning sensation”. I asked how long and she replied, “The whole time”. A few minutes later I was crying again. When it finally ended she walked in with yet another bag. “Stop! Do I need this?” It was for my calcium levels, but not mandatory. My doc figured he’d pump in as many things as he could while I was there. When she said I could refuse I did just that and gathered my things. They looked at me as if I was crazy. I live two miles from work and was in bed ten minutes later.
As my other health issues leveled out I still had dizziness. A few appointments later (as well as an MRI) I was diagnosed with Viral Vertigo. I sat at home, not able to even read for long periods of time. If it weren’t for the Xbox I would have gone crazy. I went to see my Gyno for the bleeding (TMPI, deal with it) and had one of those ‘I give up’ moments. He found what looked like a Polyp and some cysts in my Uterus. I spent a week on pins and needles until the tests came back negative for cancer. Now I just have to deal with more tests for that and a surgical date. At least my Vertigo is almost gone.
To all my friends: I’m sorry for being so selfish. I’ve been in this poor pitiful me mood when everyone has had their own burden to deal with. I cannot even begin to explain how much you all mean to me. I only hope I can be there for you as much as you’ve been there for me.
Lately work has been pretty awesome. Crazy, hectic and yet pretty awesome (yes, I said awesome again). I went from panicking about my next move to kicking my heels off and enjoying the lime light. My coworker's fifteen minutes of fame ended short and now it's my turn. I'm not sure if this job will be one to stick around on as it's turning into 90% analyst and 10% liaison. While being the go to girl for all things statistical is a sweet deal I was really hoping to build on my area in a different direction. Ah well, we'll see what the year ahead brings.
I keep thinking about blogging more but never find the words to express what I've been dealing with. I'm also trying to be cautious as to what I put on the web. Not total paranoia but enough to know that it only takes a few honest words to start drama I seriously don't want to deal with.
My gaming has been pretty steady with perks beyond what I've hoped. I've met some completely awesome people who stuck with me through game changes and mood changes. It doesn't get better than that. I've slowed down on my achievement whoring after the last challenge. I got burnt out from playing crappy games just to win bragging rights. It's nice to just play a game to have fun and not worry about the score. I still end up with semi cruddy games here and there, but it's nothing like before.
I can also officially say every game on the list is mine. When Jake set up my account he used the guest account instead of a new one (I was oblivious as to the process). He had a few games on there in the history that always screamed "not my account" when I looked at it. After finding some awesome guys to coop with I managed to get through the last game completely so it's my game, all my score and the account is all mine. Go me!
I usually stick to using this blog for my thoughts and ramblings about everything in my life. I found this on a friend's FB page and thought it was too humorous (and true) not to share.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm front.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
I've been trying to find a way around the FB issues with accepting my blog. It's not an incredibly interesting blog... but it's my blog just the same. It's gotten to the point where I have been holding off even posting until I can find a way around the issues. Mainly because most of my family and friends see this via my FB page.
Scottie was awesome enough to switch over my blog software and even work on the design. Hell, he was even trying to fix the damn posting issues after working an all nighter. This entry, while boring and having nothing to do with my life, is the tester to see if the plug in works or if I fucked up yet again. *holds breath*
I finally tracked down Scottie to get the updated info so I can log into my site. He was awesome enough to update the blog (new software, new look). I figured I'd smash a bottle of Moscato on this sucker and send it off on it's maiden voyage.
My current status is single and not looking. I've become an an XBox junkie and achievement whore who loves my friends and spoils my two cats rotten. My life is currently on hiatus while I take a breather and decide on my next move. My job is going through some major changes so I'm really just trying to hold on until I can find some ground to stand on and decide if I want to stay or go. I'm also dodging bullshit so I don't get laid off in the process.
I'll write more later, but for now it's a kick off of me getting back into the swing of things.